Come On Down!!!

As the summer hits full swing, a plethora of complicated and important issues have come to the forefront of our daily discussions. Will the "War on Terror" ever be won? Are any of the numerous candidates on either side capable of being the next President? What can be done to help in Darfur? As we debate these profound and important issues, it is essential that we don't let slide another decision that will shape the lives of every man, woman and child in our country (and many others). You're already thinking it...I'll come right out and ask - who will replace Bob Barker?While the candidates are numerous and there is certainly alot of thought and money being spent on the search, it is imperative that each of us ask ourselves who it is that we want to be directing the adventures of the next contestant on The Price is Right. Bob Barker was a unique presence on television and not just anybody can step in and fill his shoes. With that in mind, let's take a look at some of the possibilities:

10. Rosie O'Donnell: The first name to be raised in many media formats, Rosie fits the bill in many ways as she (1) is currently unemployed, (2) has a built-in daytime audience, and (3) seems to be interested in the gig. Unfortunately she is also constantly overbearing and consistently unlikeable. Thumbs DOWN.

9. Regis Philbin: If anyone can claim to rival Bob Barker's record run on daytime television, it is Mr. Kathy-Lee himself. Regis might be getting a little old for double duty, but you know he would go wild for those random kisses from the audience. He's loud, he's obnoxious and he probably wouldn't take the job. That, coupled with his love for Notre Dame gets Regis a Thumbs DOWN.

8. John Madden: Now we're talking. If there was anyone who is ready for a change of pace, it's Madden. For anyone who tuned into Sunday Night Football last season, it was impossible not to notice Madden's incoherent, incessant rambling growing increasingly more incoherent...and incessant...as the games dragged on. One can only spout so many "boom"s and "bam"s before the well runs dry. Given the tired nature of his act, what could be better for Madden's career then a complete change of scenery? Can you imagine the witty insight that Madden might provide on the price of Tylenol? Thumbs WAY UP (and that's without even discussing the awesome new line of video games).

7. Oprah: She seems to have dominated every other aspect of television, so why not give the Queen of Talk a shot at the game show genre? While the ramifications of the built-in audience would be impossible to deny, it's doubtful Oprah would be able to break away from talking about herself and her numerous charitable ventures long enough to acknowledge the next contestant. Thumbs DOWN.

6. Alex Trebek: A placement that would have to rate on the higher side of the unintentional comedy scale, Trebek would be hard pressed to mask his disdain for the contestants and the game itself during challenging mental exercises such as Plinko and the Giant Dice Throwing Game (does it need a name?). Sorry Alex, but you get a Thumbs DOWN.

5. Barbaro: Sure, you'd have to work around the fact that he's dead and all, but once you got around that is there any stopping the charisma of this horse? Everybody loves him, and that skinny microphone looks like it would fit just perfectly alongside his knowing horse smile. If the contestants could learn to sidestep the inevitable horse droppings, we might have a winner. Hoofs UP!

4. Jennifer Love Hewitt: In what is an interesting societal split, the women of America seemed to have accepted Hewitt (or Love-Hewitt, or J-Lo Hewitt or whatever she calls herself) as an acceptable face on the national networks. She has what is an apparently successful series at the present and women seem to see her as an acceptable "girl next door" type. Men see her more for her other...uh...assets, but suffice it to say that the acceptance is mutual. Can she walk and talk at the same time? Who cares? Thumbs UP!3. The Jack Link's Beef Jerky Sasquatch: Two animals in three choices? Hear me out. Aside from pumping out what I feel are the greatest commercials to come down the pipe in many years, the Sasquatch could provide a whole new entertainment aspect to the show. What could be more exciting than to see the fool who utters a nonsensical bid being immediately mauled into submission as we cut to commercial? Furthermore, who could you possibly be more inclined to listen to when you are told to have your pet spayed or neutered? Thumbs UP!

2. Al Sharpton: Nonsensical entertainment at its best, the combination of Al Sharpton and The Price is Right could be the greatest marriage of guilty pleasures since the internet and porn. Will he make any sense whatsoever? Of course not! But you'll be glued to your seat for every minute. Do I even have to tell you? Thumbs UP! Of course.

1. Bob Barker: Perhaps the greatest "replacement" for Bob is the man himself. Judging from the set, the products and the aging models, Bob could have died ten years ago and been living on in rerun infamy all this time. Perhaps that is how the show should continue. They certainly have enough episodes by now, couldn't they just piece together some bits for new shows a la Brandon Lee in The Crow? While a dead horse and Al Sharpton are funny, Bob Barker on The Price is Right is just money [bad rhyme and bad pun alert]. Perhaps that is the way it should be. I think we have our...WINNER!

It's Alllllright.......

1989. The Berlin wall was crumbling, President Bush was older and wiser, and the WWF was still called the WWF. Amidst this landscape of order and hope (forgetting that whole Tiananmen thing), the world was about to be subjected to an entertainment revolution the likes of which had never been seen before. When Zack, Screech, Kelly, A.C., Lisa and Jessie started high school in the fall of 1989, nobody expected that they were beginning an educational journey that would last for nearly 20 years. But it has...and they're not the only ones who have been learning.

Saved By The Bell has achieved a status in pop culture that is at the same time epic and sadly understated. Though everyone has seen the episodes, few will venture to quote them in daily dialogue. While it's perfectly acceptable to start a bar stool conversation with "do you remember that Seinfeld episode where..." - brave are the few who would have the guts to rehash the horrors of the death of A.C. Slater's pet lizard (Artie) on a first date.

Somehow...some way...Saved By The Bell has come to occupy on unspoken vacuum in our society and for this we should all be ashamed. While many of Generation Next (or X, or Now or Nintendo, or whatever the hell we're called) could recount virtually every trial the gang from Bayside faced, few would confess to owning the DVDs, carrying the lunch box, or secretly believing that Lisa was actually the hottest cast member. While other 80's teen hits such as The Breakfast Club and Sixteen Candles are now labeled "classics", Screech is reduced to shooting porn and selling his house on the internet.

I ask you readers - is this right? Aren't you ashamed? Do you realize how much you've taken from this show? Don't you feel inclined...no...don't you feel obligated to give back? As a teen in the mid-90's how would you have judged the opposite sex without the images of Zack and Kelly that were dancing in your head? Would you ever have supported the local cheap burger joint run by a magician if you hadn't had the shining example of our six favorite Bayside Tigers? Could you honestly have put down the caffeine pills if you hadn't tuned in for that "very special" episode?

The poignant moments on Saved By The Bell came fast and furiously. Rarely did the credits roll without leaving the viewing audience with a profound lesson on life. The examples are endless - but here are ten that illustrate well:

• Homeless Girls Are Hot - Zack at one time had a relationship with the finest looking homeless girl in California. I believe it was a holiday episode. She didn't even talk to herself.

• A Good Costume Can Save Your Life - You could always count on a Baysider to blend into the crowd once they donned a fake mustache. It's doubtful any of the male cast members ever went a 5 episode stretch without cross dressing - and it was cool!

• Polish Women Have a Timeless Beauty - Her post Saved By The Bell career aside, Kelly Kapowski still has the power to set hearts aflutter amongst pre-teen boys (and their fathers). She's a close tie with Jennifer Aniston in the "re-run chicks that will still be hot in 50 years" race.

• Driving is Easy - Or so you would think...particularly when you are taught to drive in a weird looking golf cart that is driven around inside the school. What the hell was that?

• Principals ARE Your Pals - The only cast member to span all the incarnations of the series, Mr. B was the kind of guy who could discipline with a smile - even if you just one upped him by having your fast food waiter impersonate your father.

• Smaller is Better - At least when it comes to education. Don't have enough textbooks to go around? Why not take the Bayside approach by having every class in the same room with a maximum of 8 students per class.

• The Grass is NEVER Greener - Despite any well meaning intentions, one must NEVER replace their star hot high school actress with a tomboy in a leather jacket. Not even for one episode - and certainly not for half a season. [fingers in ears trying to block out the memories]

• Adults Are Gullible...With a Capital D - It doesn't matter who it is (reporters investigating aliens, Harvard recruiters, school nurses, and of course principals), any adult can eventually be fooled if your scheme is outlandish enough. You will of course never succeed, but that will only be because your good natured honesty will ultimately become your undoing.

• Teachers Are Strange Individuals - Well...that one is mostly true. Was there a reason that Miss Bliss had a British accent?

• Neon Colors are Fine...As Long As You Accessorize With a Nice Sport Jacket - That's just damn good fashion advice.

The list could continue (please - feel free to add), but the point is clear. Isaac Newton once wrote "If I have seen further, it is by standing on the shoulders of giants." The kids of Bayside have blazed a pop culture path that permeates every aspect of our lives. We owe them the respect they have earned through the years of positive influence they have contributed. Remember that the next time you wake up in the morning and your alarm gives out a warning. You probably don't think you'll ever make it on time. But it's alright. It really is.

Cause You Can’t See Tits On The Radio

So sings the bedazzling Ana Matronic. Which, I found out at the Electric Factory on Friday night, is all the more reason to attend a Scissor Sisters concert. Cause you can see tits at their show…lots of them. In what seems to be a decade of never ending insipid pretentious cooler-than-thou indie rock music, this band offers a refreshing combination of sex appeal, sass, glamour and talent. With a performance that proved to be half burlesque/half soft-core porn, I came out feeling I had experienced something truly phenomenal.

If you've never heard of the Scissor Sisters, they are a five piece band from New York City who sound like a combination of David Bowie (circa ‘72), Village People, The Darkness, and !!!. Not surprisingly, they proclaim Elton John as their godfather of soul. Surprisingly, they are not English. You’ve probably heard the catchy Take Your Momma Out single (from their 2004 eponymous album) and the ironic anti-dance song I Don’t Feel Like Dancing (from the more recent Ta-Dah) on various radio or muzak stations. The music is full of pulsing drumbeats, sexy bass lines, cheesy keyboards and salacious lyrics. Singer/bootyshaker, Jake Shears, is a flamboyant falsetto who would give Elvis a run for his money in any hip shaking contest. As the only female in the band, alluring singer Ana Matronic defines the word sex pot. She is both charismatic and raunchy in a way I only wish I could emulate.

Although the concert was not sold out, the place was chockablock. It took two songs before my friend and I managed to purchase a drink and acquire a semi-spacious dance spot upstairs. We settled on a step near the wet bar which allowed full view of the stage and a close up on one of the large screens. We were finally ready to cut a rug. As one might expect from a band whose name comes from a lesbian sex act, the crowd had a myriad of: homo, bi and asexuals, drag queens, transvestites and even the odd heterosexual (they can usually be spotted by their meek apparel). People of all ages and races were represented. WARNING: One should be completely comfortable with their sexuality when attending one of these gigs. If you are not, it can be a potentially over stimulating and downright shocking environment. But if you are “gay friendly,” you will almost always be welcomed with open arms. I find these sorts of shows the most fun because everyone seems to check their inhibitions at the door allowing for a carpe diem sort of experience. The booze, boobs, and blow were out in full force this night. My friend and I were discussing how it must be an unspoken rule that if you are successful at sneaking narcotics into the club, then you most certainly are permitted to partake in them…even if it is in a conspicuous spot two feet on my left. Surrounding me was a man with a giant red light-up cowboy hat, another with disco ball bling that would put Flavor Flav to shame, a woman wearing a most fabulous hot pink bustier that appeared to be quite a breathing inhibitor and lastly, a man wearing a pair of leopard-print cowboy chaps…and little else. Throw in a few more feathers, leather, lace and sequence, and that completes the fashion menagerie. With the exception of some cleavage, my outfit of a miniskirt, fishnets, and silver knee-high boots was pretty tame in comparison.

Between stretches of vivacious dance songs, we were treated to verbal accounts of their most recent tour in Australia. One of which involved a mother complaining of profanity used at a show. I couldn’t help wonder if that expletive took place before or after Jake and Ana’s five minute pseudo-copulation performance and where it fell in relation to the pro clubdrugs chant. “If you see some little pink pills on the floor, feel free to pick them up and put them in your mouth. I seem to have misplaced a few tonight” were Ana’s exact words. The multiple and elaborate costume changes also added to the atmosphere. They usually took place on stage, hence the tits. My personal favorite was Jake’s gaudy silver and gold sequence hot pants suit, complete with tube socks and carpenter boots. Bassist, Babydaddy, described him as “the gay lovechild of Liberace and the Crocodile Hunter.” Amen! The infectious dance songs included She’s My Man, Kiss You Off, Filthy Gorgeous, Tits on the Radio, Pink Floyd’s Comfortably Numb and more. There were even a few sappy ballads thrown in for good measure (and potty breaks) like Might Tell You Tonight and Land of a Thousand Words.

My only complaint of the evening was that their set was too short, just shy of 2 hours. I easily had another 3 hours of energy to expel! But this performance was enough to convert any doubters of the Scissor Sisters abilities. Not only can they produce trashy and boisterous butt-shaking albums; but they can also deliver one hell of a live dance party. So for anyone suffering from the winter doldrums, this doctor highly recommends a strong dose of the SS. It is just the remedy needed to make you feel alive again! So the next time they come to Philly be sure to attend. I guarantee it will be a night to remember!

To Catch Ratings…And A Few Predators

For those that do not know, To Catch a Predator is the greatest show on the NBC network. The basic premise is that this division of Dateline hires a social activist group, Perverted Justice, to talk to men (and perhaps women) online about all things sexual while the group pretends to be underage boys or girls. The decoys then invite the predator to a sting operation in which the actual police arrest them. However, before the arrest is made, our intrepid reporter, Chris Hansen, interviews them about their intent on coming to the house and other information which drives ratings higher.

The show sounds like a good idea in that it takes perverts off the streets. Yet, somewhere between the altruistic intent of finding the perverts and arresting them the show loses its commendable objective. For example, in one show the predator is in the house talking to the decoy. The decoy asks if he ever ‘did it’ on a pool table. Chris Hansen’s voice over then takes over to say that we, the viewers at home, will not get a chance to see the man’s billiard skills. During the ensuing interview, Hansen is surprised that the man claims he is religious. He then asks the man if having sex with 13 year old girls is part of his beliefs. Keeping on the topic of religion, a different predator brings up his faith. Hansen responds by reading dirty chat logs and asks if those passages are in the Old or New Testament. In another episode, the man that comes to the decoy house is a science teacher. That fact is repeated over and over so that Hansen’s voice over has a humorous effect… “This science teacher is still hoping for a biological reaction.” Simply great journalism. Ironically, this predator had mentioned the Dateline show in the chat. In still another episode, Hansen asked a predator if he had seen the show and when answered in the affirmative, the follow up question is whether he likes the show. The predator responds “It’s a pretty good show.”

After the question and answer session ends, Hansen announces that he is doing a story for Dateline, which apparently never ends or changes. Once he says this, the crew of five or six men emerges into the room and virtually surrounds the predator. Usually, a predator decides to leave or ask Hansen what they should do next. He tells them they are free to leave, but leaves out the fact that police are waiting for them.

One thing that really irritates me as a viewer is when Hansen repeats the chat transcript, but bleeps out certain words. For instance, “I wnat you to ---- my ----.” [sic] What is dotted out? I don’t know. Dateline also repeatedly shows the nude pictures the predators send to the decoy, but they are always blurred. What’s the point of showing a picture of a predator masturbating if you are going to blur it out? When one predator says he likes to play, the decoy responds with the naïve “Play what?” The response is “I like to ---- ----.” What the hell does that mean? Throw us a bone Hansen!

After the predators leave the house and are arrested, Dateline either films or obtains footage of the official police interrogation. Usually, the men claim that “honestly” they were not going to do anything illegal. Too late, it’s illegal to use a computer to seduce a minor in the state that the sting takes place! Many seem regretful, others seem ashamed. However, the fun does not end once they are at the police station. One conversation went as follows.

Police: Do you talk to a lot of underage people online?
Predator: I talk to everyone.
Police: And do you send them pornographic pictures and videos?
Predator: Yeah.
Police: And of you masturbating?
Predator: That’s unfortunate.

It sure is! I bet the Dateline staff is laughing at the unblurred image of your staff.

While To Catch a Predator does expose potential child molesters and probably forces some sort of mark on their record, its primary purpose is to generate ratings. For this reason, and for this reason alone, the show deserves harsh criticism. The style in which the show is made also deserves criticism for its haughty commentary. While some might see this series as nothing more than apropos of modern times, it is somewhat painful to watch knowing that they are making money off the, albeit well deserved, misery of others.

Where others have failed, you can learn. What you can learn by watching this show.
1. Find out if you can be arrested for seducing a minor with a computer in your state. If yes, move.
2. The decoys are all 18 or older, but pretend to be minors online. You should also pretend to be a minor until you can confirm your targets real age.
3. Meet your chat buddy in public pursuant to #2.
4. What are you reading these tips for, Sicko! You disgust me and should be executed or at the least exiled to Thailand. Why Thailand? You won’t know if it’s a young girl or a young boy. Feel lucky today? And if that’s your thing, get out of America anyway.

Siriusly Stern

Some hate him, some love him...I can’t seem to live without him. If you asked me what I thought about Howard Stern three years ago, I would have replied "Howard who?" Now that wasn’t because I didn’t know exactly who the King of All Media was, I guess I just didn’t really care about him or the subject of talk radio in general.

When I graduated college a few years ago and began to do the cattle crawl on the way to work in the morning, I searched through what seemed like hundreds of radio channels to find something that kept my interest. One time, after hearing my co-workers blab about how wonderful the almighty Howard Stern was, I decided to turn the radio dial to Philadelphia’s own 94-1 WYSP to see what the fuss was about. After about 15 minutes and half of my morning commute, I realized my relationship with the King was already dead. Disappointed that my commute was sucked away by what seemed to be one endless hour long commercial, I decided to take the plunge into the world of Satellite Radio. The move would be quite possibly the best one I ever made.

I can’t tell you that I knew Howard Stern was eventually going to go to Satellite Radio. I wish I was that smart...but I’m not. However, I can tell you that I beat most of the general public when I purchased my first 100 shares of Sirius Satellite Radio at 70 cents several years ago (while still in college). Obviously, I didn’t strike it rich with my $70 investment/beer money, however doing the research on my stock endeavor provided me the knowledge to thoroughly research the two outfits (XM and Sirius) and eventually choose today’s winner, Sirius. It didn’t hurt knowing back then that the previous CEO Joseph Clayton was the prior CEO of DirectTV and the brains behind the NFL Sunday Ticket. I can and will take credit for seeing the Sirius NFL deal, but the Howard Stern signing was beyond my insight.

Two days ago, Howard Stern finished his first full year at Sirius Satellite Radio. I couldn’t be happier for him. Since tuning into Stern a little over a year ago, I have found myself actually enjoying my morning commute for the first time ever. I couldn’t tell you the last time I dropped the F-Bomb at someone for driving to slow into work because I’m no longer concerned about arriving on time. If I’m late, my punishment is listening to the most entertaining radio I have ever heard. If most of you are thinking my morning commute is constantly filled with cursing and naked girls you are flat out wrong. I’m not going to lie and tell you that Howard’s guests, from time to time, don’t drop a few swear words or remove a pair of panties, but the entertainment value for $12.95 a month has greatly exceeded my expectations.

Over the past year, Howard has turned several guests who I would have thought to be outright boring, into the best talk radio I have ever heard. With less than 5 minutes of commercials per hour and two channels of 24 hour Stern and associates, I am in commute heaven! Artie, Robin, and Fred, if you are reading this...keep up the good work! I only hope that the genius himself can continue to entertain me for the next four years of his Sirius contract. Judging by how the first year went by, I have no doubt that he will. I guess I should have listened three years ago about this guy named Howard because my co-workers were definitely on to something.

Howard, I wish you the best of Luck.

Pikes

2006 Wiener Awards

As you may or may not know, I enjoy calling people or things I do not care for wieners. Since the new year is approaching fast, it’s always fun to take a look back on the past year to see what transpired. The inaugural awards (1st annual is a very wiener thing to say) will be given in several categories of my choosing. Of course, you can disagree all you want and that is your right as an American. However, if you are not an American then go fight England for your right to say what you want. If you are English, go oppress the Scots, Irish, Welsh, Indians, or other ethnic group to continue your right to say what you want. And now...the alphabetical presentation of the 2006 Weiner Awards.

Comedy: This is a hard category to pick. Comedy is a serious business and it pains my heart to see no-talent, hack comedians labeled as brilliant innovators and lovingly adored by the general public. Our Founding Fathers knew the general public was an ignorant mass and that’s why they created the electrical college for Presidential elections. Fortunately, the Weiner Awards are here to put comedy challenged comedians in their place (by not mentioning them further in association with the word comedy). So, before we move on to what you may term ‘mountains of negativity’ flowing from the following paragraphs, I’m going to give out a Big Weiner Award for someone doing something great in the world of comedy. This is an inspirational award, so I’m going to give it to someone truly inspiring. I’d like to present the Big Weiner Award for comedy to………Norm MacDonald. He did actually put out a sketch comedy CD this year, so he does qualify, but it wasn’t that great. Wait, wait, wait. I’m forgetting his appearance on The Daily Show shortly after the untimely death of The Crocodile Hunter. That was genius and not very offensive when it gets down to it.

Film: Movie executives who could not tell the difference between Snakes on a Plane internet hype and Borat internet hype. The moment anyone heard of Snakes on a Plane they assumed it was a joke. Absurd scary plot? Check. Cheesy animation? Check. Lesbians going at it in an airplane bathroom? Check. And...obviously...a must for 90% of films - Samuel L. Jackson. Checkmate! Borat, on the other hand, had a built in devoted base of fans from Da Ali G Show who could not wait for the movie to appear. Since the movie "Ali G in Da House" was a scripted affair and nothing like the TV show, fans were anxious to see how Borat adapted to the big screen…oh...and anti-Semitism sells. Another big factor in Borat’s success was his incessant appearances on television, radio, and anything else to promote the movie. Still, most people hardly knew anything about Borat and probably still don't. On opening weekend I bought tickets way in advance, showed up more than 30 minutes before the stated show time (which is itself 20+ minutes before the movie actually starts), and still had to sit in the 5th row from the front. Borat’s success can be attributed to a rabid fan base, great word of mouth, and most importantly, the constant shit-stream of “comedies” coming out of Hollywood which only enhanced the actual hilarity of this movie. While Borat was not the movie I hoped it would be, it contained several laugh out loud scenes and was overall the best comedy to come out in theaters in several years.

Music: Kanye West. What a baby. Look up award show antics/obnoxious bitching in the dictionary and you will get a picture of this guy. By the way, shouldn’t Late Registration come before College Dropout? And how can he claim Graduation (due spring 2007) after dropping out? Back to the point, he is clearly the best musician in the history of the universe (and any other parallel universes). Not to get overly hyperbolic, but his claims and behavior are worthy of the ’06 Weiner in Music. When it came down to it, I had to give him a Weiner because let’s face it, if I did not then these awards lose credibility. Take that MTV Europe Video Music Awards appearance. In case you didn’t catch that last reference, West proclaimed that if his video for “Touch the Sky” did not win at the MTV Europe show then, you guessed it, “this award show loses all credibility.” The best part of the show was when his video did not win. Well, the BEST part was slightly after that, when the winner was on stage. West crashed the stage and wondered out loud how his video could lose since it cost 1 million dollars to make, had Pamela Anderson in it, and he “went jumping across canyons and shit.” Even though he said he didn’t see the winning video, he knew his was better.















Kanye West does not care about George W. Bush

Was that just a singular moment where he lost his temper in a fit of passion? Maybe, but this character has a history of displaying exactly how much sand is wedged in his vagina. In 2004 at the American Music Awards he said, "I was the best new artist (despite not winning that award) this year," and "I got 10 Grammy nominations, and won three — even if I should have won all 10.” Modesty aside, Kanye can proudly put this award right up on the empty shelf space he is saving for when he finally does win every award on the planet. I wonder if Stockholm is listening, because not only is he making music, he is bridging the gap between gays and straights. “West says he changed his ways, though, when he learned one of his cousins was gay. ‘It was kind of like a turning point when I was like, ‘Yo, this is my cousin. I love him and I’ve been discriminating against gays.” Thank goodness he is just as well spoken when he has time to compose his remarks as when he says them off the cuff. Here's to many more award show defeats for Mr. West so that we get to see his true nature.

Politics: Pick your own. Everyone feels differently about this topic and I’m rather tired of explaining why both major political parties suck. Anyway, I suppose I have to give it out, so this year the winner is The American Public excluding myself and a few others. Politics, politically correct, what’s the difference anymore? Poor Michael Richards is lambasted for his use of the word n-i-g-g-e-r, but nothing is done about Rosie O’Donnell’s use of the phrase “ching chong.” You probably didn’t even know she used it. Her full quote was

“You know, you can imagine in China it's like `ching chong, ching chong chong, Danny DeVito, ching chong chong chong, drunk, "The View," ching chong.”

Great TV, even though I’m pretty sure China wouldn’t allow an American broadcast of women talking on their airwaves. Sexist Policy? Maybe. Smart? Yes. Regardless, Americans do have a long and bumpy history with slavery and the n-word (again that’s nigger for those that missed it the first time), but we also have a history with the Chinese. The short version goes like this. Thanks for building the railroads, get the hell out. You can learn more by consulting your set of encyclopedias under the heading Chinese Exclusion Act (1882). Thank goodness it was quickly repealed by 1943. Anyway, Rosie O’Donnell did apologize, in fact

“she told the audience: 'To say ching chong to someone is very offensive, and some Asian people have told me it's as bad as the n-word. Which I was like, `Really? I didn't know that.”

Really, how could she have known saying ‘ching chong’ would be offensive to Asians? Think of the odds on that one. Another bone of contention is that she said "ching chong" in her apology. Michael Richards COULDN'T apologize by saying the n-word again or else he might have been lynched. There's irony for you. Ok, let’s just put an addendum on the award that says “and specifically to Rosie O’Donnell.” Back to this n*****/c**** c**** debate. Yes, Americans (of all colors) have a hard time deciding what is appropriate and how to react to someone that steps over the line. It’s not a black and white issue, but somewhere in between and comparable to a mulatto colored topic. In the end, it is not fair to arbitrarily strip a man of all his dignity over the misguided use of the word, while another individual spouts an equally offensive word on a daytime talk show and is not even slapped on the wrist. America certainly is indivisible with justice for some.

*Special note to Rosie. If you are going to be controversial, stick to one person, not an entire ethnic group. Oh, and we know you’re a lesbian, but did this guy know he was gay? That wasn't very nice either, Mr. O'Donnell.

He's already brought sexy back

Sports: Urban Meyer/NCAA higher ups/some Coach’s Poll/AP Poll(you’re still important to someone, wieners)/Harris Poll voters. Lloyd Carr said it best: “My statement is that I don't think they (Florida Gators) would have moved ahead of us if USC had won their game(vs. UCLA).” Tom Brady also contributed a nice phrase in defending the fact that Michigan did not win their conference. If conference champions HAD to play for the National Championship then Florida should go, but “that's not the way the BCS works. It is supposed to be the two best teams in college football.” It works entirely on the Polls and the computers. As a result, the two best teams should go and not necessarily teams from different conferences. I know, I know, Florida beat the stuffing out of Div. 1-AA Western Carolina 62-0 to end WCU's season with a final record of 2-9 (1 win over a 1-AA school). Still, Florida averaged a huge +6.88 margin in conference games including a 6 point victory over Vandy. Michigan barely beat Vanderbilt by 20 points and averaged a +13.625 in conference games. It might seem like I’m just upset and you would be right, but that’s what America is all about. You get upset, figure out what you want, and then riot to get it. Americans all over the country need to take down the NCAA for their horrible treatment of nearly every controversial subject, not just this one.

Technology: Sony, for including a blu-ray player on the PS3. Despite the enormous enthusiasm from people to convert their nearly complete DVD collections into BluRay discs, Sony has taken a hit for their inclusion of the BluRay player on the PS3. The feature has also included a $150-200 mark up on the price of the PS3. Also, the system might not have had so many delays in production if this feature was not included. However, I’m glad BluRay discs of movies were available for purchase before the BluRay player was, because that’s exactly the kind of forward thinking anticipation I want when impulse buying a movie. Sony may want to consider adding a Betamax player to the PS4.

Television: Steve Carell for The Office. I almost want to blame Ricky Gervais, but these awards will focus on American wieners (pay no attention to the award immediately above this one). I’ve seen many, many episodes of this series and I like the entire cast, save for Carell. Can you believe how he made those borderline racist/insensitive/etc. remarks in front of a black man/handicapped guy, etc.? That is so funny and what a delivery!!! I really believe he is a moronic boss that is not in touch with the common employee. Hysterical good times, chum. I almost wish they went in a direction more like the original British version that doesn’t worry about being funny, at all. Like all categories, there was stiff competition, but the overwhelming popularity of this show sealed the deal for Steve Carell.

P.S. My office is exactly like the show.

Word: Every year it seems one word gets overused, abused, or otherwise falls afoul of my vocabulary. This word has bugged me for years and so gets the inaugural Weiner Award. Eclectic. Yes, inevitably the word shows up when people describe their taste in music, i.e. the selection on their IPod. You mean you don’t listen to only Rap, or Country, or The Beatles? Shocking, because I will only listen to The Presidents of the United States of America. I wish they would put out more stuff, but what can I do? I don’t want to stereotype a whole group of people (actually I do), but college age and 20-something assholes tend to use the word to show that they have a great vocabulary. Fine, I would just like to say that I am impressed and believe you are really really REALLY smart and you don’t have to use the word ever again.

People that dress like this are not actually smart.

Young Female Celebrity Famous for being Famous: As usual (remember last year’s award) this always goes down to the wire. Fortunately, one filly came through at the end. Lindsay Lohan. Nicole Richie gave her a late season run for her money, but the fallout from her DUI won’t really count until next year. On the plus side, she is setting herself up for a great year. Back to LiLo, she really hasn’t done anything, for the purposes of the upcoming joke, since The Parent Trap, except grow breasts and turn 18. Earlier in the year, LiLo got caught on camera not wearing underwear. And, until a few weeks ago, that would have been enough to win, but Britney came charging hard in the final weeks to close the gap (between her and Lindsay, not the one between her legs). However, our girl Ms. Lohan dug down deep and pulled out a winner just before the season ended…Alcoholics Anonymous. I really didn’t want to post her full quote, but it’s just too damn good. (The best parts are underlined)

"I've been going to AA, for a year by the way. It's no one's business. That's why it's anonymous! I haven't had a drink in seven days. Or anything. I'm not even legal, so why would I? I don't drink when I go to clubs. I drink with my friends at home, but there's no need to. I feel better not drinking. It's more fun. I just wanted to, like, find a balance. I was too caught up. I was like going out just to get it out of my system. I was going out too much and I knew that, and I have more to live for than that."

Specifically, the best part is when she says she has “been going to AA, for a year” and she hasn’t “had a drink in seven days.” Or maybe it's when she says she hasn't had a drink in seven days, but why would she since she's underage. Either way, she's well on her way to sobriety. I want to wish her best of luck in the new year and success in the ’07 campaign.

She often describes herself as 'classy'

Well children, that wraps up the 2006 Weiner Awards. I know, I know, we had some fun at the expense of others, but that's really what people of varying degrees of fame are for in this day and age. Congrats to all of our winners, you can pick up your award in person at the SixTalkingHeads home office.

Parity in the Booth

Lately, I have been reading a lot about the comic genius of the Borat movie, as I’m sure many other people have. We know he’s got this brilliant schtick of getting the unwitting to give these unthinkably offensive and desperately funny sound bites. At first, we can't be sure if he is serious, but eventually it becomes obvious that Sasha Baron Cohen has the same intent as most comedians: to make people examine themselves a bit, get them talking, and maybe laugh at themselves. But I can’t help but ask, haven’t sports announcers been doing this for years? I mean, Jimmy the Greek didn’t really think the American public wanted to hear him wax scientific/sociological on the topic of race in sports, did he? Lamar Thomas certainly wasn’t providing actual commentary on the brawl in Miami this year, was he?

Yes and yes.

Wait, seriously? They weren’t just being provocative?

Nope.

Wow.

Fans and critics of modern sports continuously go on about the effects of parity on the playing field, but nowhere is talent more watered down or spread thinner than in the announcer’s booth. I think we glanced upon the rocky bottom just this year when, within a few weeks, there were incidents involving the aforementioned Lamar Thomas, Brian Kinchen , and Steve Foley , all of whom were either dismissed or suspended from their jobs for insensitive comments made during a broadcast. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion on the severity with which these men were punished for what may have been, notably in Foley’s case, intended as a joke. That said, what disappoints me most is that these guys are well paid professional interpreters of action. The networks are supplying them because they can express things in a way the common viewer lacks the sophistication to do. Yet, Brian Kinchen can’t find a better way to describe a specific play than “kinda gay?” During the ALCS (which everyone was calling the real World Series), Foley was so hard up for a way to kill some time that he started a little stereotype-based comedy routine. Whatever insight these guys are brought in to offer is being lost in the delivery.

We see that there is an even larger problem when you consider that the announcers are most new fans' first “emissaries of sport.” Keeping in mind the different-is-bad stigmas that sadly pervade the history of sports, locker room style grunting coming out of the speakers is going to reinforce the notion that women/minorities/homosexuals aren’t valued as sports fans. For that matter, fans in general looking for any consistent quality are regularly disappointed. Several publications include weekly critiques of the blatant abuse of the public ear the Monday after a football weekend, and these columns never seem to be grasping for material. I used to hate watching games in a bar with no sound, but recently I don’t seem to miss it. I even find myself just as content to track moderate-interest games via a web site and then catch the highlights later. A number of factors could be included as catalysts for this personal change, but at least part of it is not wanting to hear the latest retired jock who took one too many blows to the head. Commentating is the new pension plan; a right bestowed on anyone who put in their time with the league. Consequently, the networks that pay such a high price for the mere opportunity to provide coverage to the public are up to their necks in mediocrity.

Here’s a tip for the HR managers responsible for filling positions left vacant by the gentlemen recently given their walking papers: screen your applicants! Most other jobs do it, and it will save you embarrassing situations like the ones mentioned. Stop giving instant free rides to people for the sake of name recognition, no one cares if it is Troy Aikman or Troy McClure weighing in, as long as they have something relevant to say. People don’t have to be perfect to do this job, Marv Albert pushed buttons I didn’t even know existed, but they should be as competent as he is. In the meantime, for you commentators, you also can practice screening thoughts before you let an offensive little nugget fly, especially when situations become a little jocular. Sometimes young kids who have trouble controlling their words use the acronym/tool called WAIT - it stands for Why Am I Talking? Had Jimmy the Greek, Lamar Thomas, and many others (this goes for you too, Kramer) asked themselves that question occasionally, watching sports on television might not require the ingestion of such large grains of salt.

We as fans should hold the broadcasting companies accountable for a higher quality production. We pay for the stadiums, buy the tickets, sport the gear...these are our teams. Can’t we at least unmute their games?

Goodbye to a Friend

If you’re like me, you returned home from work/school/prison release on Tuesday night with your heart a little heavier than when you left in the morning. Yes, you trudged through your commute home with the same muted joy of another day in the books. Sure, you gave the nightly half hearted wave to that neighbor you don’t really know (who may or may not be the same guy you saw in that half-assed “sketch” of a bank robber on the news). But it wasn’t the same. It never would be again. Bob Barker announced he was retiring – and you were left to pick up the pieces.

You probably can’t remember the first time you met him. I know I can’t. It was as if after a while he was just there in your life. A fixture. Not unlike your favorite toy (for me a plastic fork) or perhaps that special aunt or uncle who always smelled weird. But Bob never smelled weird. You never lost Bob under the couch. He was always just…there. You liked that about him. It brought you a sense of comfort in life. You knew that when that booming voice yelled “C’mon down!” the bouncing (and often well-aged) bundle of joy who responded would be greeted by three other goofy bidders and our old friend Bob. It never changed – and we never wanted it to.

Perhaps that’s where we found the beauty in it all. The show was tacky. The set itself was probably a shade older than the host (and much the worse for the wear). But you didn’t care. You looked past the corny appearance of the Cliff Hanger Game (where you could almost see the stage hand crouched behind the prop moving the little mountain man up the hill) and you bought into the drama of the moment. You wanted Tom from Fresno to win that Mercury Sable and you weren’t afraid to speak your mind about his ridiculous views on the price of Advil. You rejoiced with the contestants in their victories and you wallowed in their losses, but through it all, it always came back to Bob. It was Bob who suggested you castrate your pet at every show’s end and it was Bob who invited you back. And it was for Bob that you came back. Again…and again.

And it was for Bob that you mourned a little bit on Tuesday. No matter where we end up in life, there’s perhaps no better sense of comfort than the sight of a familiar face. With 525 televisions for every 2 people in our country, it’s no small surprise that many of us have turned to our magic box for that sense of familiarity. He was always there. He was there when you were home “sick” in elementary school. He was there in those long summers when school was out. He was there…regardless. Whether you were out of school, unemployed, paralyzed in a car accident, or simply too lazy to leave the couch…you always had a friend in Bob.

Bob’s going to be leaving our lives soon. Sure, we’ll probably move on. The tide will continue to rise and fall. We’ll all have our successes and our failures. Squirrels will keep making babies and their babies will grow up to make babies (who all will find a home on my car). Life will go on. But as we continue on - he won’t be there anymore. One day you’ll be home “sick” from school or work or prison release and you’ll realize that something just isn’t “right”. You’ll have that empty feeling in the pit of your stomach as though you misplaced something but you can't quite think of what it is. Sure, you might get used to this feeling…but you’ll never like it. That’s what happens when you lose a friend.