HEAD TO HEAD - Movie Review: 300

Bernard's Take...

This is Sparta!

Running Time: 117 minutes

The film is based on Frank Miller's 300, a graphic novel about the Battle of Thermopylae circa 480 B.C.E.

From the very beginning of the movie, the cinematography was otherworldly. The theater has not seen fight scenes this well choreographed since the Matrix. Each frame was a beautiful, masterful work of art. As the movie progressed, it became quite clear that a lot of planning and storyboarding took place before any shot was filmed. Each character was perfectly placed, every angle perfectly shot, and every sound perfectly timed. This movie was half-comic book; the other half was either dream or nightmare, I can't decide.

This film deserves Oscars for Cinematography, Visual Effects and Film Editing; the thunder in the dark skies, the views overlooking the cliffs, and the magical beasts that Xerxes unleashed were elaborate and finely-detailed. The "lobster dude" particularly stood out for me. I must admit that the beheadings did get tiresome after a while.

In a way, this movie was like all the others in the recent onslaught of violent sword-and-shield with bow-and-arrow era big battle scene films (Troy, Kingdom of Heaven, King Arthur, The Lord of the Rings, etc.), but at the same time, it is not. The oft-used special effect of speeding up and slowing down the action to make it appear as if the faster action sequence is super-fast, took on a whole new meaning in 300's visual smorgasbord.

The film's length (just under two hours) was perfect because it left you wanting more. The movie did not drag on at all and did not unnecessarily dilly-dally in the pre-fight sequences. These scenes were actually the most interesting, as all the tension climaxed to unbridled passion and warfare.

All of the acting was great, even in the fight scenes. The exquisite Lena Heady conveyed Queen Gorgo's passion for her country very well. Dominic West captured well the two-timing SOB, Theron. And of course, Leonidas was a deranged fanatic, and not of the Philly Phanatic variety either. Xerxes was impressive as well, and the vocoder effect was awesome.

The film overall was a work of art in itself, a fitting tribute to graphic novels, comic books and computer-generated graphics. If you are looking for witty banter or romance though, this was not that movie. Therefore, I give this movie an A for visual effects and a B for everything else.

Overall Grade: A

- Bernard
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Jason's Take...

Up, Up, Down,Down, Left, Right, Left, Right, B, A, Select, Start!

Running Time: 117 minutes (and that's about the only thing we'll agree on)

300 is a glorious visual achievement. As the scenes of the film unravel, one begins to understand the marvel and giddiness that the filmmakers must have felt when they first experienced the freedom of a completely malleable backdrop. Lightning bolts have a special sizzle, gloomy corners are especially...gloomy, and all that is uneventful and mundane about the real world can be omitted with the click of a mouse. Amidst this dreamlike backdrop, director Zack Snyder placed countless beefy actors whose chiseled abs, bulging pecks, and uniform lack of chest hair established just how imposing (and sexy) the Spartans were. Unfortunately, somewhere amongst the technical wizardry and gleaming six packs 300 lost something - namely...a plot, realistic dialogue, and meaningful characters.

In what won't be a spoiler (if you have seen the previews or know the story of the Battle of Thermopylae), it is important to know going in that 300 is a very violent movie. While I enjoy the occasional Hostel torture scene as much as the next guy, I had hoped going in that the violence and blood in 300 would be more Gladiator than Rambo - I was wrong. By the time the third nameless enemy of the 300 was "artistically" beheaded, I found myself looking around my seat for a Playstation controller. It wasn't particularly the style of violence that became boring (the spraying blood effect was somewhat cool - for the first hour), but rather the repetitive nature of the slayings. I mean after all, they're Spartans - don't they know more than one way to stab baddies through the chest with their harpoon? [Authors note - it's probably a spear, but I don't really know any better and I like the word harpoon]

Harpoon.

If one could look beyond the Mortal Kombat style violence of 300, they would be staring at a blank screen. In a cast of characters that is as ludicrous as it is unexplained, our hero Leonidas (a Spartan with a Scottish accent) is backed up by a ragtag bunch that includes a sniveling hunchback, a fat guy with lobster arms, and a rather feminine super villain who also happens to be at least eight feet tall. While these characters might have had interesting back stories, film time is apparently better spent on beheadings and flexing (in no particular order), leaving the viewer to decide for themselves where the characters came from. [I created a rather exciting side story for the feminine super villain (Xerxes) in which he was a misunderstood British basketball player who had just come out of the closet and was now in Greece for the Olympics - feel free to borrow]

Left on his own to carry the movie was Gerard Butler, who makes a gallant effort, but was unfortunately trapped amongst the gaggle of lobster-men and terrible dialogue. Case in point: in a terrible lapse of editing, someone decided that Leonidas should address his fellow warriors as "Spartans!" every time he spoke to them.

"SPARTANS! - attack!"

"SPARTANS! - push these dead bodies off the pile!"

"SPARTANS! - pass the ketchup!"

By the end of the movie he was starting to sound like Optimus Prime ("AUTOBOTS! - ROLL OUT!").

As it reaches the end of 117 minutes and the conclusion that everyone expects, 300 takes the viewer through a high speed tour de force of exciting visuals...and not much else. While the new approach to film-making is unique and has much promise, it might do future filmmakers well to pay attention to other aspects of the movie before they unleash it on the public. Acting, character development, and plot all have something to contribute when it comes to fine movie making.

Time for me to do some ab work.

Overall Grade: C (but I'm sure the video game is great...or was that the video game?)

- Jason

Movie Review: The Good Shepherd

There's plenty more where this came from. Two Hours and Forty-Seven Minutes more.






The Good Shepherd has all the right people: Matt Damon, Angelina Jolie, Robert DeNiro, and ... Joe Pesci? Not to mention the dude that looks like Joe Montegna (the guy who does the Fat Tony voice on the Simpsons, but it's actually John Sessions). It has the right script: the beginnings of the CIA, spy movie, betrayal, elite secret Ivy League Societies, Angelina Jolie sex, and did I mention Joe Pesci doing his classic youse guys voice? Somehow though, the sum doesn't equal the parts. Imagine the Talented Mr. Ripley, mixed with some Angelina Jolie sex and some quirky Robert DeNiro roles, with My Cousin Vinny's Two Yoots Scene. Most would think, "Awesome, I love all of that; this movie is going to rock!" Unfortunately, most of the movie consists of the BORING parts of Talented Mr. Ripley, only one sex scene of Angelina Jolie (in which we see no skin), a sprinkling of DeNiro's scenes peppered throughout the movie, and a contrived Cousin Vinny trying to come off as a very serious character.

This movie was too long and drawn-out. The running time for the movie is almost 3 hours. THREE HOURS! I thought a spy's life was supposed to be fast-paced and exciting, like the Mission Impossible and James Bond series. Instead, there is a lot of waiting around. There is also a lot of Matt Damon doing nothing but talk on the phone and talk quietly to people. Ok, so maybe this was based "loosely" on a true story. Still, we are watching a movie! I want to be entertained. This movie hardly kept my attention. The only entertaining part was trying to figure out who tipped off the enemy.

The movie attempts to explain/investigate the beginnings of the CIA. However, the only "insight" given is that some General (played by Robert DeNiro) recruits some of the best and brightest from Yale to be a part of the President's idea of intelligence. Instead, the main storyline that connects the whole movie, is figuring out how the Bay of Pigs invasion turned into a disaster. How did Fidel Castro and the Russians know the Americans were going to attack them at that time and place? Who tipped them off? If you are dying to know like some of the characters in the movie, I'll let you in on it:

Matt Damon receives a photograph and an audiotape that the CIA operatives immediately determine to be made by Russians.

The director spends the whole movie, jumping back and forth through time, slowly and painfully developing Matt Damon's character mostly from his college days at Yale, but also as a little boy who witnessed his father's suicide. Then the focus shifts from Matt Damon to his son and his son's desire to please his father. Once the movie's focus shifted to Damon's son, it became pretty easy to figure out. Hmm... why else would they devote so much of that precious 2hr47min. to his son? Could it be because the movie is setting up the audience for the "surprise" revelation?

It's the ease of figuring out the culprit that is a problem I have with most Mystery/Suspense movies these days. This movie could have been better if it was more of a "whodunit?" type of flick. Like Clue... ah, one of my favorite movies in college. They just don't make movies like that anymore.

Arguably, the movie is also about family life, the difficulties of balancing long work hours with raising children, and the stress of being a CIA operative on one's mental and social life. That is a sub-plot, but it's not what the movie is advertised to be. This movie is yet another attempt at making an old idea new by dressing it up in a fancy costume.

I will admit, it's always nice to see Angelina Jolie go at it and it was nice to see what the original Ole' Boy's Club was like back in the 1930's and 40's. Beyond that though, I'm still not sure how the CIA began, which I thought was the whole point of the movie. Unless you have a voracious appetite for the BORING, or just want to go because you are in love with Matt Damon doing nothing, then stay away from this movie. It isn't even worthy of being part of your queue in Netflix.

Grade: C

Norbit: A Short Review of Hollywood Racism

Not since Do the Right Thing has the film industry come up with such stereotyped/racist behavior trying to pass itself off as mainstream theater. Norbit cannot be considered a simple farce/comedy, because its implications are clearly designed to hinder fat black women world wide. Eddie Murphy should have his accolades for Dreamgirls revoked after supplying the storyline for this movie with his brother, Charles Murphy. The Murphy boys then passed off the story to Jay Scherick and David Ronn, collaborators on Guess Who, a remake of the equally offensive original, in which miscegeny is laughed at. Racial purity is no laughing matter. The fact that this movie could get made in modern Hollywood shows just how conservative the film industry really is…and by conservative, I mean racist Republican in nature.

Suggesting that all fat, black women are irritating, loud, and incapable of getting a man clearly means the producers of this movie have never seen a group of fat black women talking. However, the most offensive element in this movie may be Eddie Murphy’s “acting.” A black man playing a fat black woman has been done every year for the past decade. Perhaps Murphy will bring this disgusting practice to an end since he originated the mockery in The Nutty Professor (1996). While Tyler Perry has perhaps elevated the role to an art form in the Madea series, he may only be dating Tyra Banks to mine more material for his future projects. Either way, black men should not continue the humiliation of black women on film, because ethnic groups must unite or risk facing further hegemonic domination from the powerful white caste.

The very least the producers could do would have been to cast the real life version of Murphy’s character Rasputia, MoNique, so that a fat black woman could get paid for this role. Instead, Eddie Murphy adds more bank to his roll so that he can continue his child support payments. Surprisingly, the most powerful black woman, Oprah Winfrey, has not yet commented on the movie. One word from her would have squashed this movie faster than the dreams of most under privileged South African girls.

In short, the clear audacity that white Hollywood has shown in taking advantage of fat black women exposes the true prejudices prevalent in society today. The fact that white people are not outraged even just a little bit over this shameful movie confirms their covert racism. What's next, a remake of Gone With the Wind from Mammy's perspective?

Papa Don't Preach...

In a news flash that was brilliant yet brief, Dakota Fanning's new movie Hounddog debuted at the 2007 Sundance Film Festival. In what is apparently the only riveting aspect of the movie (besides Fanning's predictable precociousness - which always makes her seems like she's 35), Fanning's twelve-year-old character is raped by an older teen. Fanning, who for her part claims the scene was tastefully shot, is only twelve herself, a fact that has some child advocacy groups up in arms. In the fallout from the movie, which was first screened for the Sundance Audience on January 22, 2007, an interesting group has stepped to the forefront to chastise the filmmakers, request an investigation by the Department of Justice, and even seek the assistance of a higher power (the First Lady). Who is this group who is railing against indecency and kiddie porn? Who is standing up for our children and striking a blow against pedophiles everywhere? Would you be surprised if I told you the answer involves the Catholic church?

Somewhere in our great country (I think it's New York if we're getting specific), there lies a powerful and influential group called the "Catholic League." Much to my initial shock and disappointment, this group does not consist of any of our favorite superheroes and it is not headed by a musclebound stud in red tights named "Bishop Strong." Instead, the Catholic League touts itself as [cue car dealer commercial voice] "THE NATION'S LARGEST CATHOLIC CIVIL RIGHTS ORGANIZATION!!!"......Huh?......Yeah - and there's more. According to the League itself, prejudice against the Catholic Church was the deepest bias in the history of the American people [cough...slavery...cough]. But wait - it gets better. How many of you out there knew not only that "Catholic baiting is the anti-Semitism of the liberals", but also that "Catholic bashing has become a staple of American society?" And here I thought it was baseball and hotdogs.


Pointless ramblings aside (mine too), the Catholic League has found the time amidst this hail of Catholic bashing to strike out and serve as a protective conscious for all of American society. It was apparently in that very role that the president of the Catholic League, Bill Donahue, decided to call upon the Department of Justice and the First Lady to assist in a tactical take down of Ms. Fanning's new movie, Hounddog. As Mr. Donahue explained, in virtually every media outlet that would hear him, it is the Catholic League's position that Hounddog is illegal child porn that must be stopped. While it is obvious to all involved that young Dakota was not actually subjected to rape (in the end, it is just acting), the suggestion of such a rape on the big screen seems to be where Mr. Donahue's contentions lie. It is the "promoting of simulated child rape movies," that Mr. Donahue wants to discourage, and he seems to be pulling out all the stops to do so.

Well that's not so bad, is it? Does anybody really want to watch kiddie porn? Ok - we probably don't want to hear the answer to that question. Does anybody want their neighbor watching kiddie porn? How about their kid's school teacher? Bus driver? You get the point. So it would seem that the League is fighting the good battle. Hollywood makes dirty kiddie porn movie...the League strikes back...we all live safely ever after. But there is one big obstacle standing in the way here - I sometimes refer to it in conversation as, "The First Amendment." You might have heard about it as "Freedom of Speech." I won't bore you with intricate details, but suffice it to say that those Hollywood guys and gals have at least some right to make the kind of movie they want to make. If we let the League start determining what is acceptable film content, we might be in for a dramatic change in American cinema.

Orwellian fears aside, there is another nagging aspect of this debate that must be addressed. As Mr. Donahue alludes, the problem with simulated child rape is not necessarily that the child actors in the film are harmed, but that watching the film might incite horrific behaviors in those who lean toward pedophilia. But is that enough reason to censor THIS film? Do movies really determine how we act in our day to day lives? Fortunately, a wise and influential group has already answered this question for us - that group is...the Catholic League.

In the spring of 2004, Mel Gibson's eagerly awaited The Passion of the Christ was released to film audiences and throngs of Christians worldwide. Commenting on the film, and on the growing criticism about the possibility that the film could ignite anti-semitism, Mr. Donahue had this to say:

“Two months have elapsed since the film was released and no Jew has been killed. Not only have there been no pogroms, there have been no reported beatings, and no reported acts of vandalism associated with the film. This is true not only in the U.S.; it is true all over the world. By now the movie has played in literally scores of countries, all without violence."

Apparently, for Mr. Donahue and the League, the proof is in the proverbial pudding. Why should we be concerned about the promotion of anti-semitic movies if watching these movies doesn't actually cause any violence? Donahue repeats this rhetoric again in a February 2004 letter to "The Jewish Community," when he explains that "[t]he idea that Christians will attack Jews in the streets after seeing The Passion of the Christ is pernicious [10 cents!]"..."[i]f the movie is likely to engender violence, then we should expect that when people finish watching it, they will be in a rage."

Just to make sure we have this right...as long as movie-goers don't stomp out of the theater in a visible rage and engage in mob violence in the street, the movie is not promoting violence? Hmm. No concerns about perpetuating stereotypes or engendering future acts of violence? Ok. So be it. You're the League - I'm just one person. BUT, while I have your attention let me ask you this, Mr. Donahue. Why do we have to give the potentially anti-semitic film a chance, but not the potentially pornographic film? Shouldn't we just wait and see whether there have been any hyped-up movie goers emerging from Hounddog and trying to grab twelve-year-olds from the popcorn line? Isn't the proof in the pudding? Why do we afford the benefit of the doubt for one exercise of the First Amendment, yet call in the First Lady for another?

The point, Mr. Donahue, is that movie patrons, citizens, and other persons generally referred to elsewhere as THE PEOPLE, should decide what is and what is not acceptable in our movie-going experiences. While the Catholic League has a nice name and probably a cool Catholic-mobile, they cannot and will not be the final arbiters of all that is acceptable in mass media. The League has shown inconsistency in the past when it fully supported a violent film that had not so subtle hints of anti-semitism. The League met this film with cheers and applause - not concern for the violence that could befall young, Jewish children. Just because the League has now become suddenly squeamish does not mean that certain filmmakers not named Mel Gibson should lose their right to make movies.

This debate cannot be concluded without acknowledging the giant elephant in the room of which we have not yet spoken. Come on over here Dumbo - pull up a chair. What's that you say? You're not an elephant, but a North American cousin of the elephant called the Hippo-crit? Interesting.

Suffice it to say that the Catholic church has had its share of problems with issues involving children, pedophiles, and the lethal combination of the two. That the civil rights super group associated with the church would choose kiddie porn as a call to arms to clean up the film industry is a stranger truth than fiction could ever wrought. While I have no interest whatsoever in watching Hounddog, I value the First Amendment rights that each American is granted upon birth. To be optimistic, perhaps the realistic and powerful rape scenes in Hounddog will bring to light a very real problem in this country and help those in need to speak out against a terrible atrocity. Perhaps it will be nothing but fodder for perverts. I guess we'll just have to wait and see. Isn't that right Mr. Donahue?

Rocky Balboa in Philly: Part 2

Rocky Balboa the movie can be summed up in a few words: slow, sentimental, gritty, and sappy.

The Philly crowd who viewed the film on opening night can also be described in a few choice words: slow, sentimental, gritty and sappy. Well maybe not "slow" slow, and maybe not as gritty as their reputation would lead you to believe, but definitely sappy and sentimental. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

As discussed in the Part 1 of this series, opening night in Philadelphia provided an opportunity to (1) take in the long, but not so awaited return of Sly to his Rocky trunks and (2) observe the raucous Philly crowd that would be showing up to cheer him on. Neither disappointed, but at the same time neither delivered the performance one might expect. The following review will attempt to paint a picture of this experience while keeping the dreaded "spoilers" to a minimum.
The night began with some much needed eats at a little known "local" South Philly establishment called "Barbecue Dave's". Sure, it wasn't Pat's or Geno's, but it was predictable slop and it was close in proximity to the Riverview theater where Rocky was being screened. After the famous food, we stopped by a local bar with a decidedly forced "jazz" atmosphere. After a drink or two, it was down the street to the Riverview with about a half hour until show time.

The scene at the theater was not as raucous as I had anticipated. The Riverview appeared to be a newer theater, but even a few short years of what I like to call "terrible management" can catch up to any commercial establishment. The Riverview was no exception - though it bore the name of a major chain (Regal, Edwards, UA - aren't they all the same company now anyways?), the funds of that corporation apparently weren't being wasted on niceties such as cleaning supplies and vacuum cleaners. While some might find these conditions discouraging, my heart warmed - I was excited that this was just the sort of gritty spot where the locals would blow the roof off cheering for Rocky. After a short wait (thanks to our friends, and yours, at Fandango), we scurried across the popcorn coated floor to our seats of choice.

As the theater filled, I paused to take note of my fellow Rocko-holics. While there were a few that met my terrible stereotypes of people from "Sout' Philly", most others seemed rather young, well dressed, and downright...suburbanite. My fashion senses had to be pushed aside though - it was time for the movie to start!

Is there anything better than watching a movie with a crowd that wants it to be good? It's a bit like a national political convention or a US Open Tennis match - you clap for everything and you really just want to be supporting a winner. What Rocky had over politics and tennis, however (aside from genuine interest from the American public), was the city itself. Every time the opening credits showed a shot of Philly, the crowd would cheer, applaud, or enlighten their fellow patron with a quick story such as "hey - that's where I take my dog to shit on our morning walk". The crowd, while not overly obnoxious, was genuinely excited to see a decent movie.

From the very beginning, you can tell that Rocky Balboa is alot more "Rocky" than it is "Rocky V". From the numerous shots of the city and Rocky's neighborhood right down to the aged and sagging Stallion himself, we realize that Lamborghinis and synthesizer music won't be a big part of the show. Sly apparently wanted to go back to the grit of the original movie, and he captured that - to an extent. In what was the worst kept secret about the movie going in (ok, ok - I'll do it....SPOILER ALERT!), we learn that Rocky's beloved Adrian has died. This discovery still interested me for two reasons: (1) I wondered if they would cast Rocko in a scandalous new love angle with a middle aged housewife from the mainline and (2) I thought his wife was already dead when she mailed in that pathetic performance in Rocky 4. Regardless, Adrian is dead for real now and Rocky is having a bit of a hard time dealing with it.

"What do you mean, Sly? That was 'with emotion!'"

In what becomes the main thrust of the movie, Rocky spends about an hour and twenty minutes of screen time reliving his past relationship with his wife (literally), struggling to maintain an awkward relationship with his son, and walking around his restaurant (yes - he has a restaurant) entertaining patrons in an odd sportscoat that makes him look like a cross between a valet, a catholic schoolboy, and an NFL Hall of Fame inductee. By the time he finally gets around to training, the movie is 75% over and we're left wondering if Rocky's ever going to fight at all. Strange as this dragging plot might seem - it works. I'm not sure if it was because I wanted the movie to succeed or because I was afraid to see Sly with his shirt off, but the slow buildup of the movie seems to fit the slow and dull life of the character. The movie takes its time explaining Rocky's undying celebrity in Philly and in a way this glimpse into the life of an aging Rocky is not unlike a reality show featuring a character many people have come to love through the years. By the time that famous music hits and Rocky's feet hit the jogging trail, we've done alot of catching up with our old friend.

Rather than walk you through the blow-by-blow (sorry) details of the entire movie, I'll take this opportunity to point out some highlights (and/or lowlights) that you'll want to watch out for if you view this movie yourself.

1. The Rocky-Mobile: I'm not sure if that is the official name, but Rocky has taken to driving a cargo van that calls to mind Tony Danza's ride in the opening credits of Who's The Boss. Rather than flashing the van in a few scenes to communicate to the audience that Rocky is a working class man, Sly decided to make the van an unbilled costar. Several key scenes in the movie take place in or around the van to the point that I probably wouldn't have been surprised if the vehicle started talking and driving itself around like KITT.
2. The Trashy Philly Girl in the Bar: I don't think this character was ever fully identified, but you will definitely know her when you see her. I'll go on record now - if this was an actor (and not an actual trashy Philly girl) then I believe a Best Supporting nod might be in order. Never has a bit player completely nailed the role of stereotypical local quite like this girl did. Kudos.
3. Rocky Junior's Preppy Coworkers: While the "preppy coworker" character has been played time and again in numerous movies, it's always refreshing to remind ourselves exactly where we don't want to fall in the scheme of life. While Rocky Junior eventually realizes the genuine assholiness of his friends, most of us already know the dangerous result rendered when frat boys are combined with a well paying job, Ikea, Starbucks, and Men's Warehouse.
4. Rocky's New Dame: I won't ruin the romance (or awkward lack thereof), but Rocky does pursue a friend/love interest in this film. While her character didn't bring a ton to the movie, her involvement did provide for some great unintentional humor. As we learn while the film progresses, Rocky's new lady friend has a son name "Steps". Steps, the product of an interracial marriage, provides a candid glimpse into the hilarity that is Sly's writing process. Can't you just see him sitting in his Beverly Hills mansion, drinking a protein shake from his favorite Rambo mug and pondering "What's a good name for the young non-white teenage character? What's hip and fresh that the kids these days would identify with? Wait! I know!...Steps!"

The list could go on, but I have to leave you some reason to want to see the movie. I will say that the biggest weakness I saw was the development of the villain, the ingeniously named Mason "The Line" Dixon (I'm confident Sly dreamed up this classic about 5 minutes after Steps came into being). As far as Rocky villains go, Dixon falls well below Hulk Hogan's forgettable Thunderlips character. In what should have been classic Rocky tradition, I entered the theater expecting a new entertaining bad guy to hate. Who would it be to join Apollo, Clubber and Drago in the Murderer's Row of movie villains? Unfortunately, it won't be Mason Dixon. Before you all dash off to your emails to explain the intricacies of the movie, let me explain. I understand that Rocky's "demons" and overall inability to cope with growing old and losing his wife are his "real opponent" in this film, but is it too much to ask that an evil, cartoon-like villain show up across the ring from him? Mason Dixon could just as easily have been the winner of that stupid Contender show and we really wouldn't have known the difference. Have him harass some girl scouts, club baby seals, do something - but don't let us get to the big fight with any insecurity as to whether we completely hate the bad guy.

That gaping plot hole aside, the movie itself gets a solid B+ rating from yours truly. I don't see it competing for Best Picture any time soon, but I do think it did a great job of wrapping up the series and not disrespecting its predecessors. If Rocky 5 was the Phantom Menace of the Italian Stallion franchise, then Rocky Balboa can be the Clone Wars closure that we all needed.

As the closing credits rolled, I once again took the opportunity to assess my fellow movie patrons. We had clapped and cheered together at many points in the film, but the Rocky chants I had hoped for never broke out and the rowdiness was generally quite subdued. Amongst my fellow moviegoers I saw quite a few who looked and talked like the "Trashy Philly Girl at the Bar". I also spotted some of "Rocky Junior's Preppy Coworkers". Despite the stereotypes, which they no doubt fit to a T, on this night they were all sappy and sentimental. Just like the movie...and just like the aged Stallion himself. The night wasn't rowdy, but the movie wasn't either - it worked. In the end, I think I can live with that. Until next time...I'm...'Gonna FLY Now!'

Rocky Balboa in Philly: Part 1

Jergens: What exactly are you looking for Apollo?

Apollo Creed: This is who I'm looking for. The Italian Stallion.

Jergens: Rocky Balboa? Never heard of him.

Apollo Creed: Look it's the name man. The I-talian Stallion. The media will eat it up. Now who discovered America? An Italian right? What better way to get it on than with one of its descendants?

Apollo's Trainer: He's a southpaw. I don't want you messing with southpaws. They do everything backwards

Apollo Creed: Southpaw nothing. I'll drop him in three. Apollo Creed meets the Italian Stallion. Now that sounds like a damn monster movie.

Monster movie indeed. From the original script thirty years ago through Mr. T, Dolph and Tommy Guns, the Rocky movie franchise has undergone quite an evolution. The original Rocky film was reflective of the title character himself: unexpected, unheralded, and unforgettable. Sadly, by the time Rocky 5 was released, the adjectives had changed to: unbearable, unnecessary and unforgivable. What had started as an emotional underdog story about a lovable loser had devolved into a steaming pile of crap. So why does Hollywood think it's time for another one of these movies? And why am I so damn excited about it?

Dolph Lundgren wants YOU to get excited about Rocky Balboa!

Several months ago SixTalkingHeads brought you a blow-by-blow review of the Rutgers/Louisville game. We went to the game. We tasted the food. We even chanted R...U. We had alot of fun immersing ourselves in this journalistic experience and you, our readers, seemed to enjoy reading about it. Being that the Rutgers experience went so well, we've decided to try it again. As such, tomorrow evening two of the TalkingHeads will be attending a raucous showing of Rocky Balboa...on opening night...in South Philly. Ok, so it might not technically be "opening night" (considering the midnight showings that most films run these days) and it might not be "sout' filly" South Philly (at the Riverview), but it's Rocky...it's the first day of the wide release...and it's Philadelphia.

In order to properly prepare myself for this Rocky-riffic experience, I whipped out the thinking cap (a red beret for those of you scoring at home) and took a short trip down my own private Sylvester Stallone memory lane. Sly is a famous guy. In order to fully appreciate his performance in Rocky Balboa, I wanted to have fresh in my mind an understanding of his career evolution. As I began this effort I soon realized that it is very tough, if not impossible, to separate the actor from the boxer. Sure, I remember Stallone from some semi-respectable action/explosion turns in the Rambo series and Cliffhanger, but really, what else has this guy given us? I vaguely remember him dressing up in a suit and looking goofy for a film called Oscar and I also cannot erase the visions of his ghastly Judge Dred effort, but there has to be more doesn't there? No...not really. For all his fame and notoriety, Stallone's career really boils down to one movie...one character...one plot. He's Rocky! And we wouldn't have it any other way.

Full Disclosure: I initially thought Stallone put out one of those "action stud becomes a babysitter" movies, but I now realize that was Hulk Hogan...Governor Arnold...and Vin Diesel.

After a little analysis, we can see that Sly's other roles are all just takeoffs from his Rocky character. We had Rocky in an army movie. Rocky climbing mountains. Rocky as a cop in the future...and Rocky worried about someone shooting his mom. None of these roles were viewed as departures from Stallone's Rocky character because, frankly, none of us could separate him from that character. To judge Rocky is to judge Stallone. It is through Rocky Balboa (and how it fits with the films before it) that Sly's career will be defined.

So how will that career defined? While I can't yet tell you how the final product turned out, I can relay my expectations...

It was several years ago that someone first floated to me the idea of another Rocky sequel. Outwardly, I reacted appropriately. I scoffed. I giggled. I probably made a joke about Rocky 5 and how it was a steaming pile of crap. On the inside? In the dark recesses of my mind that nobody else can see? "Excited" doesn't even begin to describe it. For members of my generation, the Rocky movies were a creature of cable movie of the week and DVD more so than the theater. I was 8 or 9 when Rocky 5 came out and while I may have been distracted by Transformers and Ninja Turtles, I can't remember that release generating very much excitement. But this time...this is different. Perhaps it's the extended layoff (nearly 16 years) or perhaps it is the notion of a new great name (Mason "The Line" Dixon) for a new great Rocky villain, but something has me terribly excited about this movie. Add in the fact that I'm now a Philly resident, and I seriously feel as though it's my civic duty to attend this movie.

My excitement about this experience extends far beyond the film itself. It's hard to think about Rocky and not think about Philly. It's hard to live in Philly and not think about Rocky. Anyone driving up the Franklin Parkway would be hard pressed not to think of our friend Sly mounting the museum steps every time they see a jogger. Anyone attending a sporting event would be hard pressed not to stand and cheer when the Rocky theme blasts from the speakers. Rocky and his movies portrayed the hard nosed city that Philadelphians pride themselves on...and they love him for it. To see his depiction of the city one last time, sitting amongst many of the people fitting of that depiction, will certainly be an experience in and of itself.

I sign off with high expectations and much anticipation. Whether the movie is bad or...very bad, I plan on celebrating appropriately and cheering Rocky all the way. I'm a Philadelphian now and Rocky is one of us. If you've made it this far, I invite you to check back soon for a follow-up article. By then, we'll know if Rocky can go the distance with Mason Dixon, and we'll know if he's still alive. Until then...it's time for me to "eat lightnin' and crap thunder" - I've got a movie to see!

2006 Wiener Awards

As you may or may not know, I enjoy calling people or things I do not care for wieners. Since the new year is approaching fast, it’s always fun to take a look back on the past year to see what transpired. The inaugural awards (1st annual is a very wiener thing to say) will be given in several categories of my choosing. Of course, you can disagree all you want and that is your right as an American. However, if you are not an American then go fight England for your right to say what you want. If you are English, go oppress the Scots, Irish, Welsh, Indians, or other ethnic group to continue your right to say what you want. And now...the alphabetical presentation of the 2006 Weiner Awards.

Comedy: This is a hard category to pick. Comedy is a serious business and it pains my heart to see no-talent, hack comedians labeled as brilliant innovators and lovingly adored by the general public. Our Founding Fathers knew the general public was an ignorant mass and that’s why they created the electrical college for Presidential elections. Fortunately, the Weiner Awards are here to put comedy challenged comedians in their place (by not mentioning them further in association with the word comedy). So, before we move on to what you may term ‘mountains of negativity’ flowing from the following paragraphs, I’m going to give out a Big Weiner Award for someone doing something great in the world of comedy. This is an inspirational award, so I’m going to give it to someone truly inspiring. I’d like to present the Big Weiner Award for comedy to………Norm MacDonald. He did actually put out a sketch comedy CD this year, so he does qualify, but it wasn’t that great. Wait, wait, wait. I’m forgetting his appearance on The Daily Show shortly after the untimely death of The Crocodile Hunter. That was genius and not very offensive when it gets down to it.

Film: Movie executives who could not tell the difference between Snakes on a Plane internet hype and Borat internet hype. The moment anyone heard of Snakes on a Plane they assumed it was a joke. Absurd scary plot? Check. Cheesy animation? Check. Lesbians going at it in an airplane bathroom? Check. And...obviously...a must for 90% of films - Samuel L. Jackson. Checkmate! Borat, on the other hand, had a built in devoted base of fans from Da Ali G Show who could not wait for the movie to appear. Since the movie "Ali G in Da House" was a scripted affair and nothing like the TV show, fans were anxious to see how Borat adapted to the big screen…oh...and anti-Semitism sells. Another big factor in Borat’s success was his incessant appearances on television, radio, and anything else to promote the movie. Still, most people hardly knew anything about Borat and probably still don't. On opening weekend I bought tickets way in advance, showed up more than 30 minutes before the stated show time (which is itself 20+ minutes before the movie actually starts), and still had to sit in the 5th row from the front. Borat’s success can be attributed to a rabid fan base, great word of mouth, and most importantly, the constant shit-stream of “comedies” coming out of Hollywood which only enhanced the actual hilarity of this movie. While Borat was not the movie I hoped it would be, it contained several laugh out loud scenes and was overall the best comedy to come out in theaters in several years.

Music: Kanye West. What a baby. Look up award show antics/obnoxious bitching in the dictionary and you will get a picture of this guy. By the way, shouldn’t Late Registration come before College Dropout? And how can he claim Graduation (due spring 2007) after dropping out? Back to the point, he is clearly the best musician in the history of the universe (and any other parallel universes). Not to get overly hyperbolic, but his claims and behavior are worthy of the ’06 Weiner in Music. When it came down to it, I had to give him a Weiner because let’s face it, if I did not then these awards lose credibility. Take that MTV Europe Video Music Awards appearance. In case you didn’t catch that last reference, West proclaimed that if his video for “Touch the Sky” did not win at the MTV Europe show then, you guessed it, “this award show loses all credibility.” The best part of the show was when his video did not win. Well, the BEST part was slightly after that, when the winner was on stage. West crashed the stage and wondered out loud how his video could lose since it cost 1 million dollars to make, had Pamela Anderson in it, and he “went jumping across canyons and shit.” Even though he said he didn’t see the winning video, he knew his was better.















Kanye West does not care about George W. Bush

Was that just a singular moment where he lost his temper in a fit of passion? Maybe, but this character has a history of displaying exactly how much sand is wedged in his vagina. In 2004 at the American Music Awards he said, "I was the best new artist (despite not winning that award) this year," and "I got 10 Grammy nominations, and won three — even if I should have won all 10.” Modesty aside, Kanye can proudly put this award right up on the empty shelf space he is saving for when he finally does win every award on the planet. I wonder if Stockholm is listening, because not only is he making music, he is bridging the gap between gays and straights. “West says he changed his ways, though, when he learned one of his cousins was gay. ‘It was kind of like a turning point when I was like, ‘Yo, this is my cousin. I love him and I’ve been discriminating against gays.” Thank goodness he is just as well spoken when he has time to compose his remarks as when he says them off the cuff. Here's to many more award show defeats for Mr. West so that we get to see his true nature.

Politics: Pick your own. Everyone feels differently about this topic and I’m rather tired of explaining why both major political parties suck. Anyway, I suppose I have to give it out, so this year the winner is The American Public excluding myself and a few others. Politics, politically correct, what’s the difference anymore? Poor Michael Richards is lambasted for his use of the word n-i-g-g-e-r, but nothing is done about Rosie O’Donnell’s use of the phrase “ching chong.” You probably didn’t even know she used it. Her full quote was

“You know, you can imagine in China it's like `ching chong, ching chong chong, Danny DeVito, ching chong chong chong, drunk, "The View," ching chong.”

Great TV, even though I’m pretty sure China wouldn’t allow an American broadcast of women talking on their airwaves. Sexist Policy? Maybe. Smart? Yes. Regardless, Americans do have a long and bumpy history with slavery and the n-word (again that’s nigger for those that missed it the first time), but we also have a history with the Chinese. The short version goes like this. Thanks for building the railroads, get the hell out. You can learn more by consulting your set of encyclopedias under the heading Chinese Exclusion Act (1882). Thank goodness it was quickly repealed by 1943. Anyway, Rosie O’Donnell did apologize, in fact

“she told the audience: 'To say ching chong to someone is very offensive, and some Asian people have told me it's as bad as the n-word. Which I was like, `Really? I didn't know that.”

Really, how could she have known saying ‘ching chong’ would be offensive to Asians? Think of the odds on that one. Another bone of contention is that she said "ching chong" in her apology. Michael Richards COULDN'T apologize by saying the n-word again or else he might have been lynched. There's irony for you. Ok, let’s just put an addendum on the award that says “and specifically to Rosie O’Donnell.” Back to this n*****/c**** c**** debate. Yes, Americans (of all colors) have a hard time deciding what is appropriate and how to react to someone that steps over the line. It’s not a black and white issue, but somewhere in between and comparable to a mulatto colored topic. In the end, it is not fair to arbitrarily strip a man of all his dignity over the misguided use of the word, while another individual spouts an equally offensive word on a daytime talk show and is not even slapped on the wrist. America certainly is indivisible with justice for some.

*Special note to Rosie. If you are going to be controversial, stick to one person, not an entire ethnic group. Oh, and we know you’re a lesbian, but did this guy know he was gay? That wasn't very nice either, Mr. O'Donnell.

He's already brought sexy back

Sports: Urban Meyer/NCAA higher ups/some Coach’s Poll/AP Poll(you’re still important to someone, wieners)/Harris Poll voters. Lloyd Carr said it best: “My statement is that I don't think they (Florida Gators) would have moved ahead of us if USC had won their game(vs. UCLA).” Tom Brady also contributed a nice phrase in defending the fact that Michigan did not win their conference. If conference champions HAD to play for the National Championship then Florida should go, but “that's not the way the BCS works. It is supposed to be the two best teams in college football.” It works entirely on the Polls and the computers. As a result, the two best teams should go and not necessarily teams from different conferences. I know, I know, Florida beat the stuffing out of Div. 1-AA Western Carolina 62-0 to end WCU's season with a final record of 2-9 (1 win over a 1-AA school). Still, Florida averaged a huge +6.88 margin in conference games including a 6 point victory over Vandy. Michigan barely beat Vanderbilt by 20 points and averaged a +13.625 in conference games. It might seem like I’m just upset and you would be right, but that’s what America is all about. You get upset, figure out what you want, and then riot to get it. Americans all over the country need to take down the NCAA for their horrible treatment of nearly every controversial subject, not just this one.

Technology: Sony, for including a blu-ray player on the PS3. Despite the enormous enthusiasm from people to convert their nearly complete DVD collections into BluRay discs, Sony has taken a hit for their inclusion of the BluRay player on the PS3. The feature has also included a $150-200 mark up on the price of the PS3. Also, the system might not have had so many delays in production if this feature was not included. However, I’m glad BluRay discs of movies were available for purchase before the BluRay player was, because that’s exactly the kind of forward thinking anticipation I want when impulse buying a movie. Sony may want to consider adding a Betamax player to the PS4.

Television: Steve Carell for The Office. I almost want to blame Ricky Gervais, but these awards will focus on American wieners (pay no attention to the award immediately above this one). I’ve seen many, many episodes of this series and I like the entire cast, save for Carell. Can you believe how he made those borderline racist/insensitive/etc. remarks in front of a black man/handicapped guy, etc.? That is so funny and what a delivery!!! I really believe he is a moronic boss that is not in touch with the common employee. Hysterical good times, chum. I almost wish they went in a direction more like the original British version that doesn’t worry about being funny, at all. Like all categories, there was stiff competition, but the overwhelming popularity of this show sealed the deal for Steve Carell.

P.S. My office is exactly like the show.

Word: Every year it seems one word gets overused, abused, or otherwise falls afoul of my vocabulary. This word has bugged me for years and so gets the inaugural Weiner Award. Eclectic. Yes, inevitably the word shows up when people describe their taste in music, i.e. the selection on their IPod. You mean you don’t listen to only Rap, or Country, or The Beatles? Shocking, because I will only listen to The Presidents of the United States of America. I wish they would put out more stuff, but what can I do? I don’t want to stereotype a whole group of people (actually I do), but college age and 20-something assholes tend to use the word to show that they have a great vocabulary. Fine, I would just like to say that I am impressed and believe you are really really REALLY smart and you don’t have to use the word ever again.

People that dress like this are not actually smart.

Young Female Celebrity Famous for being Famous: As usual (remember last year’s award) this always goes down to the wire. Fortunately, one filly came through at the end. Lindsay Lohan. Nicole Richie gave her a late season run for her money, but the fallout from her DUI won’t really count until next year. On the plus side, she is setting herself up for a great year. Back to LiLo, she really hasn’t done anything, for the purposes of the upcoming joke, since The Parent Trap, except grow breasts and turn 18. Earlier in the year, LiLo got caught on camera not wearing underwear. And, until a few weeks ago, that would have been enough to win, but Britney came charging hard in the final weeks to close the gap (between her and Lindsay, not the one between her legs). However, our girl Ms. Lohan dug down deep and pulled out a winner just before the season ended…Alcoholics Anonymous. I really didn’t want to post her full quote, but it’s just too damn good. (The best parts are underlined)

"I've been going to AA, for a year by the way. It's no one's business. That's why it's anonymous! I haven't had a drink in seven days. Or anything. I'm not even legal, so why would I? I don't drink when I go to clubs. I drink with my friends at home, but there's no need to. I feel better not drinking. It's more fun. I just wanted to, like, find a balance. I was too caught up. I was like going out just to get it out of my system. I was going out too much and I knew that, and I have more to live for than that."

Specifically, the best part is when she says she has “been going to AA, for a year” and she hasn’t “had a drink in seven days.” Or maybe it's when she says she hasn't had a drink in seven days, but why would she since she's underage. Either way, she's well on her way to sobriety. I want to wish her best of luck in the new year and success in the ’07 campaign.

She often describes herself as 'classy'

Well children, that wraps up the 2006 Weiner Awards. I know, I know, we had some fun at the expense of others, but that's really what people of varying degrees of fame are for in this day and age. Congrats to all of our winners, you can pick up your award in person at the SixTalkingHeads home office.

Apocalypto Movie Review

Mel Gibson is no stranger to success in the box office. Contrary to some recent reports, the Passion of the Christ is not the only movie Mel Gibson has made. He has also had success with Braveheart and Forever Young. Mel has also had tremendous success with movies in which he starred: the Lethal Weapon series, Mad Max series and even the surprise hit of 2000 that started the claymation revolution, Chicken Run.

Mel Gibson is also no stranger to overindulgent, dragged out, when-is-this-movie-going-to-end-because-I've-had-enough-gore-for-the-day movies. I came into this movie expecting a looooooong "epic" movie about the Mayans. That's exactly what I got. To qualify as a "Mel Gibson movie" these days, there are a few simple ingredients:

1. loooooooong and extended scenes that really don't add to the story, but are in the movie because Mel thinks he's just too awesome to have his work cut
2. lots of violence and people dying
3. lots of blood and gore
4. lots of explosions and pyrotechnics.

I'm sure fans of the movie would argue that those extended scenes were necessary to "tell the story" of the Mayans. But do you really want to sit in the theater any more than necessary? Save it for the Extended DVD version Mel...please.

Lots of violence and people dying is trademark Mel Gibson. Maybe it's the movies he picks or maybe Mel Gibson thinks that the violence and death are good things. Either way, these movies usually make a lot of money.

Another part of Mel Gibson's M.O. is excess blood and gore. This plethora of graphic violence will definitely placate the normal moviegoer. For example, I present to you a Spoiler!

Without spoiling too much, there is a scene in the movie where they are standing on the Mayan pyramids in the jungle and people are being sacrificed. The executioner chops off the head, displays it to the bloodlusted and frenzied crowd then lets it roll down about 5 stories of stairs.

End spoiler. Also, throughout the movie, many others were dying horrible deaths. Maybe Mel thought it was necessary. "Hey! That's how life was back then!" Maybe it was, maybe it wasn't. No one really knows. Surely Mel is entitled to his own fantasy world, isn't he? An example of the bloody nature of Mel's fantasies results in another Spoiler!

During the main character's dream, he sees a man that looks like the dude from American Idol who sings Like a Virgin, and the man is holding something: his own pulsating heart in his hand. Kalima! Kalima!

End spoiler.

You may be asking, how did he pull off explosions and pyrotechnics in a mythical Mayan civilization? I don't know...he just does. Perhaps its because he's Mel Gibson!

Even after reading this rant, you will probably not change your mind about whether to watch the movie. Knowing what I know now about the movie, I would probably go watch it again. After all...a movie is meant to entertain, isn't it? I must admit...I was entertained...even if it was only for the second half.

Casino Royale: A Review with Spoilers

I cannot say I have seen a large portion of the Bond canon, but from what I’ve seen they are cheesy yet somehow not over the top. They are packed with ridiculous storylines and explosions yet somehow...still believable. Casino Royale tries to continues with that tradition, but manages to fall short. A prime example can be found in the opening sequence, which features amazing aerial displays of running and jumping that are in fact are real. The problem, is that the sequences actually seem very fake. While past Bonds passed off fake stunts as real, this Bond passes off a real stunt as real, but the stunt is so unbelievable it throws off the whole Bond dynamic.

I’ll start with the bad news (and there is plenty of it). For you nitpickers out there (or people that care about continuity), this is supposed to the "first" Bond. This is where Bond gets his 007 designation and thus his adventures can begin...but what will these adventures involve? Judy Dench (who incidentally is terrible at everything) laments about how she misses the Cold War. Come again? Are we to believe that James Bond, the same James Bond that defeated the menace of international communism time and time again, gets his 007 moniker AFTER the Cold War ends? Someone has explained that Bond is a “timeless” character, but frankly that is just a bunch of nonsense. I don’t care if the teen market doesn't know what the Soviet Union was, screw them for their ignorance and have Bond punch a KGB agent - not some terrorist-supporting weapons dealer.

Daniel Craig’s Bond is a relative novice to the world of international espionage and changes were made to the character to reflect this. That does not mean that Bond cannot get any (and every) pretty face he encounters. What it means is that he drives a Ford (almost as stylish as an Aston Martin) and does not have an elaborate introduction to new technological features via Q. The other big problem with this Bond is the way he orders a martini. When asked how he would like his signature drink Bond replies with an uncharacteristic “Do I look like I give a damn!?” Who is this man?

Aside from the chronological gaffes, there are other problems with the plot. For starters, the Bond villain is an asthmatic math nerd. He doesn't exactly inspire terror in the hearts of the audience with a dastardly plan...he is in fact trying to save his ass with a high stakes poker game at the Casino Royale. Honestly, I could not decide if the African War Lord/General terrorist or the math nerd was the villain…until Bond killed the warlord.

The last big drain on my patience was the audience. I would hope the audience you view the movie with is much different than the one I had. It is acceptable NOT to laugh at the cheesy jokes. They are not very funny (nor are they intended to be), but they do add a nice light element to the film...except when people poop their pants laughing at them. Such a response ruins the whole atmosphere of the movie. One such "joke" occured when Bond and the Bond girl exchanged some dialogue about how much “Money” Bond is worth to which he replies “every Penny.” Hold on...I think I’ve got this one figured out…isn’t there a recurring character named Moneypenny? Yes, except she is not in this movie.

While the movie has many drawbacks, it does have a few positives. Three, to be precise...

Daniel Craig is great as James Bond. A blonde Bond? I really didn't even notice his hair color most of the time due to all the explosions taking place around him. Craig had enough charisma to shift between his suave lady killing style and the actual killing of ladies and men, as needed. Surprisingly, the biggest question going into the movie was whether Craig could pull it off. I was amazed that he did with all the terrible inclusions the film had, but I give him his props for a commendable performance.

The last two good things about this movie come as a pair...

I searched for a "good" picture of Eva Green’s cleavage, but I could not find one. It was quite an exhaustive search too. You’d think the studio would hype them up. She’s a good Bond girl...but I don't think she will be in any more films. Wink, Wink.

Overall, Casino Royale was entertaining and Craig did a fantastic job. While the movie does drag on and you’re never quite sure when it will end, it is worth seeing…at least as a rental without the audience ruining the mood.