Parity in the Booth

Lately, I have been reading a lot about the comic genius of the Borat movie, as I’m sure many other people have. We know he’s got this brilliant schtick of getting the unwitting to give these unthinkably offensive and desperately funny sound bites. At first, we can't be sure if he is serious, but eventually it becomes obvious that Sasha Baron Cohen has the same intent as most comedians: to make people examine themselves a bit, get them talking, and maybe laugh at themselves. But I can’t help but ask, haven’t sports announcers been doing this for years? I mean, Jimmy the Greek didn’t really think the American public wanted to hear him wax scientific/sociological on the topic of race in sports, did he? Lamar Thomas certainly wasn’t providing actual commentary on the brawl in Miami this year, was he?

Yes and yes.

Wait, seriously? They weren’t just being provocative?

Nope.

Wow.

Fans and critics of modern sports continuously go on about the effects of parity on the playing field, but nowhere is talent more watered down or spread thinner than in the announcer’s booth. I think we glanced upon the rocky bottom just this year when, within a few weeks, there were incidents involving the aforementioned Lamar Thomas, Brian Kinchen , and Steve Foley , all of whom were either dismissed or suspended from their jobs for insensitive comments made during a broadcast. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion on the severity with which these men were punished for what may have been, notably in Foley’s case, intended as a joke. That said, what disappoints me most is that these guys are well paid professional interpreters of action. The networks are supplying them because they can express things in a way the common viewer lacks the sophistication to do. Yet, Brian Kinchen can’t find a better way to describe a specific play than “kinda gay?” During the ALCS (which everyone was calling the real World Series), Foley was so hard up for a way to kill some time that he started a little stereotype-based comedy routine. Whatever insight these guys are brought in to offer is being lost in the delivery.

We see that there is an even larger problem when you consider that the announcers are most new fans' first “emissaries of sport.” Keeping in mind the different-is-bad stigmas that sadly pervade the history of sports, locker room style grunting coming out of the speakers is going to reinforce the notion that women/minorities/homosexuals aren’t valued as sports fans. For that matter, fans in general looking for any consistent quality are regularly disappointed. Several publications include weekly critiques of the blatant abuse of the public ear the Monday after a football weekend, and these columns never seem to be grasping for material. I used to hate watching games in a bar with no sound, but recently I don’t seem to miss it. I even find myself just as content to track moderate-interest games via a web site and then catch the highlights later. A number of factors could be included as catalysts for this personal change, but at least part of it is not wanting to hear the latest retired jock who took one too many blows to the head. Commentating is the new pension plan; a right bestowed on anyone who put in their time with the league. Consequently, the networks that pay such a high price for the mere opportunity to provide coverage to the public are up to their necks in mediocrity.

Here’s a tip for the HR managers responsible for filling positions left vacant by the gentlemen recently given their walking papers: screen your applicants! Most other jobs do it, and it will save you embarrassing situations like the ones mentioned. Stop giving instant free rides to people for the sake of name recognition, no one cares if it is Troy Aikman or Troy McClure weighing in, as long as they have something relevant to say. People don’t have to be perfect to do this job, Marv Albert pushed buttons I didn’t even know existed, but they should be as competent as he is. In the meantime, for you commentators, you also can practice screening thoughts before you let an offensive little nugget fly, especially when situations become a little jocular. Sometimes young kids who have trouble controlling their words use the acronym/tool called WAIT - it stands for Why Am I Talking? Had Jimmy the Greek, Lamar Thomas, and many others (this goes for you too, Kramer) asked themselves that question occasionally, watching sports on television might not require the ingestion of such large grains of salt.

We as fans should hold the broadcasting companies accountable for a higher quality production. We pay for the stadiums, buy the tickets, sport the gear...these are our teams. Can’t we at least unmute their games?