Lacrosse?

Are you tired of watching college sports, knowing that the juggernaut team will always win? It’s time you started following the top division of collegiate men’s lacrosse. You may not be familiar with some of these schools being at the top of any sports list (Cornell?, Albany?), but those teams have certainly earned it so far this year. The Big Red of Cornell are currently ranked 1st in the nation. When is the last time you heard of Cornell’s football team (1-AA) or basketball team doing something great? The beauty of lacrosse is that its recent explosion in popularity has meant an explosion in talent. Everyone knows a kid that was a great basketball player. Did that kid ever do anything with his skills? There are nearly 300 Division I Men’s basketball teams, but you will probably hear of only 10 teams really competing for the championship in any given season. Lacrosse was like that in the not too distant past, but with the talent base growing, those great players can’t all attend the same few colleges. New opportunities are opening up for lesser known schools and the fans are in a postition to benefit. While the lacrosse world is still small and very interconnected, it’s never too late to jump on board.

So far, this year has seen something amazing. The #1 team has changed four consecutive weeks. The season started out with defending national champion Virginia being upset by Drexel…in Charlottesville, VA. The torch was then passed to Georgetown, but the pollsters voted Duke number one the following week. During the third week of the season, both Georgetown and Duke lost. The newest #1 team is Cornell. Albany is pushing them with victories over then #2 Johns Hopkins and then #10 Delaware. You might be thinking that at the end of the season the champion will be Hopkins, Syracuse, Duke, or Virginia, but don’t count out the new guys. Cornell lost 3 games by a total of 4 goals last year. Albany finished 8-7. However, during that season they beat national runner up Massachusetts, and hung tough with Syracuse and Hopkins.

Just because the top teams can't hang on to the top spot, that doesn't mean lacrosse is a weak game. Instead, this trend highlights a strength, specificically strength of schedule. Division I lacrosse teams pound on each other during the season, and it's a wonder they have any gas left for the playoffs. Despite not being able to take nearly any team lightly, we all love to see two heavyweights compete. The top 5 teams in the preseason poll were Virginia, Hopkins, Duke, Princeton, and Syracuse. Hopkins and Princeton have already played each other. Duke and Virginia meet later in the season in an ACC clash (and probably in the ACC tourney too). Syracuse plays Hopkins, Virginia, AND Princeton...oh, and they also play Massachusetts, Albany and Cornell. Eight of their thirteen games are against teams currently ranked, including 1, 2, and 3. Hopkins plays 10 out of 13 games against teams currently ranked. 2 of their 3 other games are against teams that were ranked at some point this season. When will you ever see those kinds of schedule in another sport? Wouldn’t you love to see a college football schedule with Ohio State playing Florida, LSU, and USC inside of a month and a half and THEN having to finish up with Michigan? You might be saying to yourself, "Nobody can go undefeated and who wants a 12-3 National Champion?" I’d take a 12-3 champion that played a tough schedule and won when it counted. Besides, Virginia went 17-0 last year with 11 games against teams that were ranked at the end of the year.

The next big lacrosse clash is Hopkins and Syracuse on St. Patty's Day, quickly followed by Duke and Cornell on the 20th. What channel you ask? Hopkins and Syracuse will probably make it on ESPNU because it’s a Saturday, but Duke and Cornell will go uncovered by TV. ESPNU carries some games on Saturdays, but without you loyal fans pushing to see this kind of action, it will be relegated behind bowling, baseball, and basketball (both men's and women's). Do you want to live in that kind of world? Besides, if you need any more encouragement to go watch some college lacrosse, there are crushing hits and mind boggling displays of athleticism each and every game. This sport has everything except your eyes. So, why aren’t YOU watching?

To Catch Ratings…And A Few Predators

For those that do not know, To Catch a Predator is the greatest show on the NBC network. The basic premise is that this division of Dateline hires a social activist group, Perverted Justice, to talk to men (and perhaps women) online about all things sexual while the group pretends to be underage boys or girls. The decoys then invite the predator to a sting operation in which the actual police arrest them. However, before the arrest is made, our intrepid reporter, Chris Hansen, interviews them about their intent on coming to the house and other information which drives ratings higher.

The show sounds like a good idea in that it takes perverts off the streets. Yet, somewhere between the altruistic intent of finding the perverts and arresting them the show loses its commendable objective. For example, in one show the predator is in the house talking to the decoy. The decoy asks if he ever ‘did it’ on a pool table. Chris Hansen’s voice over then takes over to say that we, the viewers at home, will not get a chance to see the man’s billiard skills. During the ensuing interview, Hansen is surprised that the man claims he is religious. He then asks the man if having sex with 13 year old girls is part of his beliefs. Keeping on the topic of religion, a different predator brings up his faith. Hansen responds by reading dirty chat logs and asks if those passages are in the Old or New Testament. In another episode, the man that comes to the decoy house is a science teacher. That fact is repeated over and over so that Hansen’s voice over has a humorous effect… “This science teacher is still hoping for a biological reaction.” Simply great journalism. Ironically, this predator had mentioned the Dateline show in the chat. In still another episode, Hansen asked a predator if he had seen the show and when answered in the affirmative, the follow up question is whether he likes the show. The predator responds “It’s a pretty good show.”

After the question and answer session ends, Hansen announces that he is doing a story for Dateline, which apparently never ends or changes. Once he says this, the crew of five or six men emerges into the room and virtually surrounds the predator. Usually, a predator decides to leave or ask Hansen what they should do next. He tells them they are free to leave, but leaves out the fact that police are waiting for them.

One thing that really irritates me as a viewer is when Hansen repeats the chat transcript, but bleeps out certain words. For instance, “I wnat you to ---- my ----.” [sic] What is dotted out? I don’t know. Dateline also repeatedly shows the nude pictures the predators send to the decoy, but they are always blurred. What’s the point of showing a picture of a predator masturbating if you are going to blur it out? When one predator says he likes to play, the decoy responds with the naïve “Play what?” The response is “I like to ---- ----.” What the hell does that mean? Throw us a bone Hansen!

After the predators leave the house and are arrested, Dateline either films or obtains footage of the official police interrogation. Usually, the men claim that “honestly” they were not going to do anything illegal. Too late, it’s illegal to use a computer to seduce a minor in the state that the sting takes place! Many seem regretful, others seem ashamed. However, the fun does not end once they are at the police station. One conversation went as follows.

Police: Do you talk to a lot of underage people online?
Predator: I talk to everyone.
Police: And do you send them pornographic pictures and videos?
Predator: Yeah.
Police: And of you masturbating?
Predator: That’s unfortunate.

It sure is! I bet the Dateline staff is laughing at the unblurred image of your staff.

While To Catch a Predator does expose potential child molesters and probably forces some sort of mark on their record, its primary purpose is to generate ratings. For this reason, and for this reason alone, the show deserves harsh criticism. The style in which the show is made also deserves criticism for its haughty commentary. While some might see this series as nothing more than apropos of modern times, it is somewhat painful to watch knowing that they are making money off the, albeit well deserved, misery of others.

Where others have failed, you can learn. What you can learn by watching this show.
1. Find out if you can be arrested for seducing a minor with a computer in your state. If yes, move.
2. The decoys are all 18 or older, but pretend to be minors online. You should also pretend to be a minor until you can confirm your targets real age.
3. Meet your chat buddy in public pursuant to #2.
4. What are you reading these tips for, Sicko! You disgust me and should be executed or at the least exiled to Thailand. Why Thailand? You won’t know if it’s a young girl or a young boy. Feel lucky today? And if that’s your thing, get out of America anyway.

Norbit: A Short Review of Hollywood Racism

Not since Do the Right Thing has the film industry come up with such stereotyped/racist behavior trying to pass itself off as mainstream theater. Norbit cannot be considered a simple farce/comedy, because its implications are clearly designed to hinder fat black women world wide. Eddie Murphy should have his accolades for Dreamgirls revoked after supplying the storyline for this movie with his brother, Charles Murphy. The Murphy boys then passed off the story to Jay Scherick and David Ronn, collaborators on Guess Who, a remake of the equally offensive original, in which miscegeny is laughed at. Racial purity is no laughing matter. The fact that this movie could get made in modern Hollywood shows just how conservative the film industry really is…and by conservative, I mean racist Republican in nature.

Suggesting that all fat, black women are irritating, loud, and incapable of getting a man clearly means the producers of this movie have never seen a group of fat black women talking. However, the most offensive element in this movie may be Eddie Murphy’s “acting.” A black man playing a fat black woman has been done every year for the past decade. Perhaps Murphy will bring this disgusting practice to an end since he originated the mockery in The Nutty Professor (1996). While Tyler Perry has perhaps elevated the role to an art form in the Madea series, he may only be dating Tyra Banks to mine more material for his future projects. Either way, black men should not continue the humiliation of black women on film, because ethnic groups must unite or risk facing further hegemonic domination from the powerful white caste.

The very least the producers could do would have been to cast the real life version of Murphy’s character Rasputia, MoNique, so that a fat black woman could get paid for this role. Instead, Eddie Murphy adds more bank to his roll so that he can continue his child support payments. Surprisingly, the most powerful black woman, Oprah Winfrey, has not yet commented on the movie. One word from her would have squashed this movie faster than the dreams of most under privileged South African girls.

In short, the clear audacity that white Hollywood has shown in taking advantage of fat black women exposes the true prejudices prevalent in society today. The fact that white people are not outraged even just a little bit over this shameful movie confirms their covert racism. What's next, a remake of Gone With the Wind from Mammy's perspective?

And So It Begins...NFL Draft 2007

NFL Draft 2007: Best 10 Underclassmen

Now that the deadline for final decisions is over, an accurate picture of the draftees is available. Many underclassmen have a great impact on teams based on the needs of that team and the ability of the player. This list will simply note which players have the best potential in the NFL, regardless of position and without placing them on specific teams. Mock drafts will come later, (oh yes...they will come), but for right now let’s just have some fun with the players themselves.

10. You’ll notice no Ohio State, Florida, or USC players will make the list. This is your chance to add them. Place the desired player here and make up reasons as to why they are good, then finish your 40 and continue your pathetic life.

9. John Abbate, LB, Wake Forest --- While his numbers don’t look overly impressive (120 Tackles, 3 Sacks, 1 INT, 1 FF) - he was unquestionably the heart and soul of the Demon Deacons Defense. At 5’ 11” 245lbs, his size will not thrill you, but the same can be said about Zach Thomas. Of course, Thomas is basically the only player you will hear Abbate compared to since they play the same position, have the same size and the same instincts (AND both are white). Actually, you could say Simoneau, but that’s insulting to Abbate. Where as Thomas has proven his ability in the NFL Abbate will have a steep learning curve, but if he is as persistent in the NFL as he was in the NCAA he should have no problem fitting in.

Negatives: Size

8. Michael Bush, RB, Louisville --- Louisville isn’t known for its running game, which is not a discredit to Michael Bush, but rather another adversity Bush has had to overcome. While this 250 lb monster might not be as electrifyingly fast as last years Bush, he certainly can avoid angry opponents better than George W. Michael Bush put up solid numbers in his best campaign with the Cardinals (1143 yds. on 205 carries for 5.6 ypc and 25 TDs) [yes, he scored 2.5 times a game in the ’05 season]. His leg injury is a concern, but he will have had nearly a whole year of rehab before the season starts.

Negatives: Size (i.e. Ron Dayne factor) and injury.

7. Darrelle Revis, CB, Pittsburgh --- Most people thought Revis would declare for the draft, because they couldn’t see him shining for yet another season while Pittsburgh is still building up its program (i.e. "sucks again"). Those people were right. Revis may not be the first CB taken (think Leon Hall) or even be the best junior CB in the NCAA (think Antoine Cason), but he certainly has the talent to develop into the best. This two-time 1st team Big East player will hear his name called in the first two rounds of the NFL Draft and with teams always in need of talented DB’s he should have plenty of opportunity to prove himself.

Negatives: Coached by Dave Wannstedt

6. Marshawn Lynch, RB, California --- Lynch is an amazing college running back. However, great players in college don’t always translate to great pro players. The plus side is that he played in a BCS conference and faced some good defenses throughout his career. Lynch played behind J.J. Arrington at Cal and we all know the success Arrington has had in Arizona. Then again, it’s Arizona, where Edge could barely find running room. Marshawn has shown consistency at Cal with two 1200+yards seasons and two seasons of 10 or more rushing TD’s (he had an astonishing 8 TD’s his freshman year behind 2,000 yard rusher Arrington).

Negatives: Slight injury concern. Arrington...Version 2.0?

5. JaMarcus Russell, QB, LSU --- He shot up draft boards after the bowl game against Notre Dame, but who doesn’t (see Troy Smith Fiesta Bowl 2006)? Russell always knows which way the gun show is and to prove it he can throw a football 60 yards from his knees. Scouts love his size and the aforementioned gun on his arm, but he can put good touch on the football and can even move a little bit if he has to (he is black after all(kidding...I see you Byron Leftwich)). While he may benefit from draft hype, Russell should do fine in a vertical system provided he isn’t asked to do too much his rookie year.

Negatives: Bad completion % in 2 losses.

4. Adrian Peterson, RB, Oklahoma---We all know AP has talent. The question is whether he can stay healthy enough to use that talent. Peterson played well when he played and showed the country why he was a Heisman contender as a freshman. Bob Stoops did one hell of a coaching job this year considering he lost his star QB before the season and AP in the middle of the season. Oklahoma persevered and won the conference championship and earned their way to the BCS where they showed they will never give up and mounted a great comeback against Boise State. Regardless of the other Sooners and Stoops, Peterson is an amazing talent that should adapt quickly to the pro game.

Negatives: Injury concern.

3. Sidney Rice, WR, South Carolina--- Sidney Rice played for two seasons and set the Gamecocks TD record at WR. In naught five Rice had a season in which his yardage was higher than the next five (5) SC players combined. Basically, Rice can get his stats even if the other team knows he is getting the ball. Even though Spurrier loves to pass his teams have not been great at it. They also can’t hold on to their younger players. I wonder what he is doing that drives them to leave without really capturing loads of glory on the field? Despite Rice’s overwhelming talent, I think he would have benefited from another year in college. Ideally he can find a roster spot on a team that does not need him right away.

Negatives: Youth (immaturity on/off field)

2. Calvin Johnson, WR, Georgia Tech---A man among boys in the college ranks, Johnson put up very good numbers, even though Reggie Ball was throwing the passes. Assuming the QB talent is greater in the pros, Johnson should be a great NFL wideout. Ga Tech coaches somehow missed the fact that Notre Dame could not cover Calvin in their first game of the year and handed the Irish the game in the second half.

Negatives: Took one year too many to turn pro. Not used to playing with a good quarterback.

1. Alan Branch, DT, Michigan--- I was overjoyed when I learned Michigan had recruited this behemoth from New Mexico a few years ago. He was projected as an offensive linemen, but his massive figure set him on the path to DT. Before the 2005 season he dropped about 30 lbs. to play at 315. He bulked back up to play in the middle of the 3-4 this year. While his numbers aren’t flashy, Branch certainly clogged the middle of the field despite playing in a 3-4 scheme. His presence can only be replaced, not replicated. With more and more NFL teams playing in a 3-4 base or occasionally using the package, Branch will be valuable to many teams. However, he does not necessarily have to play in a 3-4. Look for this DT to go in the top 10.

Negatives: Left the University of Michigan early, why would anyone do that?

*Stay with us throughout the spring for more Draft coverage*

2006 Wiener Awards

As you may or may not know, I enjoy calling people or things I do not care for wieners. Since the new year is approaching fast, it’s always fun to take a look back on the past year to see what transpired. The inaugural awards (1st annual is a very wiener thing to say) will be given in several categories of my choosing. Of course, you can disagree all you want and that is your right as an American. However, if you are not an American then go fight England for your right to say what you want. If you are English, go oppress the Scots, Irish, Welsh, Indians, or other ethnic group to continue your right to say what you want. And now...the alphabetical presentation of the 2006 Weiner Awards.

Comedy: This is a hard category to pick. Comedy is a serious business and it pains my heart to see no-talent, hack comedians labeled as brilliant innovators and lovingly adored by the general public. Our Founding Fathers knew the general public was an ignorant mass and that’s why they created the electrical college for Presidential elections. Fortunately, the Weiner Awards are here to put comedy challenged comedians in their place (by not mentioning them further in association with the word comedy). So, before we move on to what you may term ‘mountains of negativity’ flowing from the following paragraphs, I’m going to give out a Big Weiner Award for someone doing something great in the world of comedy. This is an inspirational award, so I’m going to give it to someone truly inspiring. I’d like to present the Big Weiner Award for comedy to………Norm MacDonald. He did actually put out a sketch comedy CD this year, so he does qualify, but it wasn’t that great. Wait, wait, wait. I’m forgetting his appearance on The Daily Show shortly after the untimely death of The Crocodile Hunter. That was genius and not very offensive when it gets down to it.

Film: Movie executives who could not tell the difference between Snakes on a Plane internet hype and Borat internet hype. The moment anyone heard of Snakes on a Plane they assumed it was a joke. Absurd scary plot? Check. Cheesy animation? Check. Lesbians going at it in an airplane bathroom? Check. And...obviously...a must for 90% of films - Samuel L. Jackson. Checkmate! Borat, on the other hand, had a built in devoted base of fans from Da Ali G Show who could not wait for the movie to appear. Since the movie "Ali G in Da House" was a scripted affair and nothing like the TV show, fans were anxious to see how Borat adapted to the big screen…oh...and anti-Semitism sells. Another big factor in Borat’s success was his incessant appearances on television, radio, and anything else to promote the movie. Still, most people hardly knew anything about Borat and probably still don't. On opening weekend I bought tickets way in advance, showed up more than 30 minutes before the stated show time (which is itself 20+ minutes before the movie actually starts), and still had to sit in the 5th row from the front. Borat’s success can be attributed to a rabid fan base, great word of mouth, and most importantly, the constant shit-stream of “comedies” coming out of Hollywood which only enhanced the actual hilarity of this movie. While Borat was not the movie I hoped it would be, it contained several laugh out loud scenes and was overall the best comedy to come out in theaters in several years.

Music: Kanye West. What a baby. Look up award show antics/obnoxious bitching in the dictionary and you will get a picture of this guy. By the way, shouldn’t Late Registration come before College Dropout? And how can he claim Graduation (due spring 2007) after dropping out? Back to the point, he is clearly the best musician in the history of the universe (and any other parallel universes). Not to get overly hyperbolic, but his claims and behavior are worthy of the ’06 Weiner in Music. When it came down to it, I had to give him a Weiner because let’s face it, if I did not then these awards lose credibility. Take that MTV Europe Video Music Awards appearance. In case you didn’t catch that last reference, West proclaimed that if his video for “Touch the Sky” did not win at the MTV Europe show then, you guessed it, “this award show loses all credibility.” The best part of the show was when his video did not win. Well, the BEST part was slightly after that, when the winner was on stage. West crashed the stage and wondered out loud how his video could lose since it cost 1 million dollars to make, had Pamela Anderson in it, and he “went jumping across canyons and shit.” Even though he said he didn’t see the winning video, he knew his was better.















Kanye West does not care about George W. Bush

Was that just a singular moment where he lost his temper in a fit of passion? Maybe, but this character has a history of displaying exactly how much sand is wedged in his vagina. In 2004 at the American Music Awards he said, "I was the best new artist (despite not winning that award) this year," and "I got 10 Grammy nominations, and won three — even if I should have won all 10.” Modesty aside, Kanye can proudly put this award right up on the empty shelf space he is saving for when he finally does win every award on the planet. I wonder if Stockholm is listening, because not only is he making music, he is bridging the gap between gays and straights. “West says he changed his ways, though, when he learned one of his cousins was gay. ‘It was kind of like a turning point when I was like, ‘Yo, this is my cousin. I love him and I’ve been discriminating against gays.” Thank goodness he is just as well spoken when he has time to compose his remarks as when he says them off the cuff. Here's to many more award show defeats for Mr. West so that we get to see his true nature.

Politics: Pick your own. Everyone feels differently about this topic and I’m rather tired of explaining why both major political parties suck. Anyway, I suppose I have to give it out, so this year the winner is The American Public excluding myself and a few others. Politics, politically correct, what’s the difference anymore? Poor Michael Richards is lambasted for his use of the word n-i-g-g-e-r, but nothing is done about Rosie O’Donnell’s use of the phrase “ching chong.” You probably didn’t even know she used it. Her full quote was

“You know, you can imagine in China it's like `ching chong, ching chong chong, Danny DeVito, ching chong chong chong, drunk, "The View," ching chong.”

Great TV, even though I’m pretty sure China wouldn’t allow an American broadcast of women talking on their airwaves. Sexist Policy? Maybe. Smart? Yes. Regardless, Americans do have a long and bumpy history with slavery and the n-word (again that’s nigger for those that missed it the first time), but we also have a history with the Chinese. The short version goes like this. Thanks for building the railroads, get the hell out. You can learn more by consulting your set of encyclopedias under the heading Chinese Exclusion Act (1882). Thank goodness it was quickly repealed by 1943. Anyway, Rosie O’Donnell did apologize, in fact

“she told the audience: 'To say ching chong to someone is very offensive, and some Asian people have told me it's as bad as the n-word. Which I was like, `Really? I didn't know that.”

Really, how could she have known saying ‘ching chong’ would be offensive to Asians? Think of the odds on that one. Another bone of contention is that she said "ching chong" in her apology. Michael Richards COULDN'T apologize by saying the n-word again or else he might have been lynched. There's irony for you. Ok, let’s just put an addendum on the award that says “and specifically to Rosie O’Donnell.” Back to this n*****/c**** c**** debate. Yes, Americans (of all colors) have a hard time deciding what is appropriate and how to react to someone that steps over the line. It’s not a black and white issue, but somewhere in between and comparable to a mulatto colored topic. In the end, it is not fair to arbitrarily strip a man of all his dignity over the misguided use of the word, while another individual spouts an equally offensive word on a daytime talk show and is not even slapped on the wrist. America certainly is indivisible with justice for some.

*Special note to Rosie. If you are going to be controversial, stick to one person, not an entire ethnic group. Oh, and we know you’re a lesbian, but did this guy know he was gay? That wasn't very nice either, Mr. O'Donnell.

He's already brought sexy back

Sports: Urban Meyer/NCAA higher ups/some Coach’s Poll/AP Poll(you’re still important to someone, wieners)/Harris Poll voters. Lloyd Carr said it best: “My statement is that I don't think they (Florida Gators) would have moved ahead of us if USC had won their game(vs. UCLA).” Tom Brady also contributed a nice phrase in defending the fact that Michigan did not win their conference. If conference champions HAD to play for the National Championship then Florida should go, but “that's not the way the BCS works. It is supposed to be the two best teams in college football.” It works entirely on the Polls and the computers. As a result, the two best teams should go and not necessarily teams from different conferences. I know, I know, Florida beat the stuffing out of Div. 1-AA Western Carolina 62-0 to end WCU's season with a final record of 2-9 (1 win over a 1-AA school). Still, Florida averaged a huge +6.88 margin in conference games including a 6 point victory over Vandy. Michigan barely beat Vanderbilt by 20 points and averaged a +13.625 in conference games. It might seem like I’m just upset and you would be right, but that’s what America is all about. You get upset, figure out what you want, and then riot to get it. Americans all over the country need to take down the NCAA for their horrible treatment of nearly every controversial subject, not just this one.

Technology: Sony, for including a blu-ray player on the PS3. Despite the enormous enthusiasm from people to convert their nearly complete DVD collections into BluRay discs, Sony has taken a hit for their inclusion of the BluRay player on the PS3. The feature has also included a $150-200 mark up on the price of the PS3. Also, the system might not have had so many delays in production if this feature was not included. However, I’m glad BluRay discs of movies were available for purchase before the BluRay player was, because that’s exactly the kind of forward thinking anticipation I want when impulse buying a movie. Sony may want to consider adding a Betamax player to the PS4.

Television: Steve Carell for The Office. I almost want to blame Ricky Gervais, but these awards will focus on American wieners (pay no attention to the award immediately above this one). I’ve seen many, many episodes of this series and I like the entire cast, save for Carell. Can you believe how he made those borderline racist/insensitive/etc. remarks in front of a black man/handicapped guy, etc.? That is so funny and what a delivery!!! I really believe he is a moronic boss that is not in touch with the common employee. Hysterical good times, chum. I almost wish they went in a direction more like the original British version that doesn’t worry about being funny, at all. Like all categories, there was stiff competition, but the overwhelming popularity of this show sealed the deal for Steve Carell.

P.S. My office is exactly like the show.

Word: Every year it seems one word gets overused, abused, or otherwise falls afoul of my vocabulary. This word has bugged me for years and so gets the inaugural Weiner Award. Eclectic. Yes, inevitably the word shows up when people describe their taste in music, i.e. the selection on their IPod. You mean you don’t listen to only Rap, or Country, or The Beatles? Shocking, because I will only listen to The Presidents of the United States of America. I wish they would put out more stuff, but what can I do? I don’t want to stereotype a whole group of people (actually I do), but college age and 20-something assholes tend to use the word to show that they have a great vocabulary. Fine, I would just like to say that I am impressed and believe you are really really REALLY smart and you don’t have to use the word ever again.

People that dress like this are not actually smart.

Young Female Celebrity Famous for being Famous: As usual (remember last year’s award) this always goes down to the wire. Fortunately, one filly came through at the end. Lindsay Lohan. Nicole Richie gave her a late season run for her money, but the fallout from her DUI won’t really count until next year. On the plus side, she is setting herself up for a great year. Back to LiLo, she really hasn’t done anything, for the purposes of the upcoming joke, since The Parent Trap, except grow breasts and turn 18. Earlier in the year, LiLo got caught on camera not wearing underwear. And, until a few weeks ago, that would have been enough to win, but Britney came charging hard in the final weeks to close the gap (between her and Lindsay, not the one between her legs). However, our girl Ms. Lohan dug down deep and pulled out a winner just before the season ended…Alcoholics Anonymous. I really didn’t want to post her full quote, but it’s just too damn good. (The best parts are underlined)

"I've been going to AA, for a year by the way. It's no one's business. That's why it's anonymous! I haven't had a drink in seven days. Or anything. I'm not even legal, so why would I? I don't drink when I go to clubs. I drink with my friends at home, but there's no need to. I feel better not drinking. It's more fun. I just wanted to, like, find a balance. I was too caught up. I was like going out just to get it out of my system. I was going out too much and I knew that, and I have more to live for than that."

Specifically, the best part is when she says she has “been going to AA, for a year” and she hasn’t “had a drink in seven days.” Or maybe it's when she says she hasn't had a drink in seven days, but why would she since she's underage. Either way, she's well on her way to sobriety. I want to wish her best of luck in the new year and success in the ’07 campaign.

She often describes herself as 'classy'

Well children, that wraps up the 2006 Weiner Awards. I know, I know, we had some fun at the expense of others, but that's really what people of varying degrees of fame are for in this day and age. Congrats to all of our winners, you can pick up your award in person at the SixTalkingHeads home office.

The Next Band Asked Me To Read This...

Tenacious D: Concert and Movie Review


The Concert:

Part I The Opener

On the evening of November 29th, 2006 the band known as Tenacious D performed at the Tweeter Center in Camden, New Jersey. Filling a full two thirds of the venue, the band set out to cement their status as the greatest band of all time. However, before moving on to the meat of the show, we have to start with the potatoes. Comedian Neil Hamburger opened for The D and as soon as he came on stage the yelling started…from the audience. Hamburger responded with a fierce invective aimed at a few audience members in the front rows. The give and take flew freely along with rather profane language going both ways. While his Tony Clifton-esque act went over exactly the way it was supposed to, his jokes missed more often than they hit. However, he did connect squarely on the chin with the audience on one occasion, managing to shut them up when he delivered the punch line to this joke:

Why did God send Terri Schiavo to Hell? (answer at end of the column)

Overall, Hamburger was a great opener in that he provided a punching bag for the crowd and wound them up to ready themselves for The D.

Part II: The First Act

Everyone knows The D rock hard as an acoustic band. Opening the show the way their debut album opened, Kielbasa got the crowd pumped to hear more hard rocking and tasty lyrics. The theatrics on display, combined with the music of course, provided for a great show. Early on, the sounds of the Flash Gordon theme song, (a Queen original and theme of the great 1980 movie) graced the ears of the audience. What a special show this was to be. The stage was a replica of KG’s living room and a few songs into the set in walks number 1 D fan, Lee. He made himself at home and delivered what appeared to be a smoking apparatus to KG. Lee also brought out a Saxaboom, which JB played perfectly. After a puff, or two, the show resumed and Lee exited the premises. Not long afterwards JB tried to get KG to go “electric” and he brought an electric guitar on stage. Upon plugging it in, they were electrocuted and wound up, via video segment, in a fiery, smelly, red place. You don’t know it is hell for sure Jables proclaimed, because "who has gone there and come back and really knows what it’s like”?

Part III: The Second Act

Wondering around their new home, The D spied a fellow who looked an awful lot like Jesus. After they questioned him about his looks, he revealed he was in fact the anti-Christ. Yes, they were in hell, but that is no reason for The D to stop rocking. In fact, they added an electric guitar, bass, and drums, enhancing the already formidable rock power of two acoustic guitars. Backed by a trio of Hell’s inhabitants (the anti-Christ, Colonel Sanders, and Charlie Chaplin (turns out he’s gay)) the full band wowed the crowd with various tunes too powerful to write about. All I can manage to spurt out is a mention of the highlight of second half of the concert, a cover of Pinball Wizard by The Who.

Part IV: The Encore

Returning to the stage, our heroes played Fuck Her Gently and then perhaps their most famous song, Tribute. Rocking hard for the entire concert, KG and JB delivered a monster performance with high energy and the charm we have come to know and love from Tenacious D. Overall, it would not be a stretch to say The D definitely rocked.


Tenacious D in The Pick of Destiny

Yes, this movie has a plot. Yes, this movie has great cameos from Amy Poehler and Tim Robbins. Yes, this movie has new songs of hard rocking from Tenacious D. Lastly...this movie has lots of jokes D fans will enjoy. While it is clearly not an epic, big budget affair, it should provide plenty of enjoyment for fans of the band. I direct all of you non-fans to the HBO episodes so that you can get fully endoctrinated into the world of The D before exposing yourself to the magnitude of the movie. You'll thank me later.


Answer: For the sin of sloth.

Casino Royale: A Review with Spoilers

I cannot say I have seen a large portion of the Bond canon, but from what I’ve seen they are cheesy yet somehow not over the top. They are packed with ridiculous storylines and explosions yet somehow...still believable. Casino Royale tries to continues with that tradition, but manages to fall short. A prime example can be found in the opening sequence, which features amazing aerial displays of running and jumping that are in fact are real. The problem, is that the sequences actually seem very fake. While past Bonds passed off fake stunts as real, this Bond passes off a real stunt as real, but the stunt is so unbelievable it throws off the whole Bond dynamic.

I’ll start with the bad news (and there is plenty of it). For you nitpickers out there (or people that care about continuity), this is supposed to the "first" Bond. This is where Bond gets his 007 designation and thus his adventures can begin...but what will these adventures involve? Judy Dench (who incidentally is terrible at everything) laments about how she misses the Cold War. Come again? Are we to believe that James Bond, the same James Bond that defeated the menace of international communism time and time again, gets his 007 moniker AFTER the Cold War ends? Someone has explained that Bond is a “timeless” character, but frankly that is just a bunch of nonsense. I don’t care if the teen market doesn't know what the Soviet Union was, screw them for their ignorance and have Bond punch a KGB agent - not some terrorist-supporting weapons dealer.

Daniel Craig’s Bond is a relative novice to the world of international espionage and changes were made to the character to reflect this. That does not mean that Bond cannot get any (and every) pretty face he encounters. What it means is that he drives a Ford (almost as stylish as an Aston Martin) and does not have an elaborate introduction to new technological features via Q. The other big problem with this Bond is the way he orders a martini. When asked how he would like his signature drink Bond replies with an uncharacteristic “Do I look like I give a damn!?” Who is this man?

Aside from the chronological gaffes, there are other problems with the plot. For starters, the Bond villain is an asthmatic math nerd. He doesn't exactly inspire terror in the hearts of the audience with a dastardly plan...he is in fact trying to save his ass with a high stakes poker game at the Casino Royale. Honestly, I could not decide if the African War Lord/General terrorist or the math nerd was the villain…until Bond killed the warlord.

The last big drain on my patience was the audience. I would hope the audience you view the movie with is much different than the one I had. It is acceptable NOT to laugh at the cheesy jokes. They are not very funny (nor are they intended to be), but they do add a nice light element to the film...except when people poop their pants laughing at them. Such a response ruins the whole atmosphere of the movie. One such "joke" occured when Bond and the Bond girl exchanged some dialogue about how much “Money” Bond is worth to which he replies “every Penny.” Hold on...I think I’ve got this one figured out…isn’t there a recurring character named Moneypenny? Yes, except she is not in this movie.

While the movie has many drawbacks, it does have a few positives. Three, to be precise...

Daniel Craig is great as James Bond. A blonde Bond? I really didn't even notice his hair color most of the time due to all the explosions taking place around him. Craig had enough charisma to shift between his suave lady killing style and the actual killing of ladies and men, as needed. Surprisingly, the biggest question going into the movie was whether Craig could pull it off. I was amazed that he did with all the terrible inclusions the film had, but I give him his props for a commendable performance.

The last two good things about this movie come as a pair...

I searched for a "good" picture of Eva Green’s cleavage, but I could not find one. It was quite an exhaustive search too. You’d think the studio would hype them up. She’s a good Bond girl...but I don't think she will be in any more films. Wink, Wink.

Overall, Casino Royale was entertaining and Craig did a fantastic job. While the movie does drag on and you’re never quite sure when it will end, it is worth seeing…at least as a rental without the audience ruining the mood.

Did you forget about the NHL? Shame, Shame

Out of the four major sports in America (NFL, NHL, College Football, and College Lacrosse), none is more overlooked than hockey. Sure, you can make an argument for collegiate lacrosse, but that’s sillier than suggesting Wagner could have taken down UVA last year. Hockey remains a sport largely ignored by the American public, but don’t worry, here’s a refresher to keep you up-to-date on the beginning of the NHL season.

The Buffalo Sabres tied the NHL record for best start with 10 wins to open the season. The Minnesota Wild have 9 wins through 10 games to provide another startling record, and the Atlanta Thrashers have a 7 point lead over their division foes after just 12 games - the very division the last two Stanley Cup Champions call home. This is not your slightly older sibling’s NHL anymore. In fact, it’s probably your younger sibling’s NHL, because you gave up on hockey after the lockout, didn’t you? You want to remain in the glory days with Philly’s Legion of Doom or Tie Domi goading some player into a fight. But wait, what’s that? John LeClair is in Pittsburgh? Mikael Renberg is in the Swedish Elite League? Eric Lindros is in Dallas, playing wing? Tie Domi retired! What’s going on! You know, maybe this new NHL isn’t worth your attention. (Speaking of Dallas, why would they take the ‘C’ away from Mike Modano? Don’t worry, they didn’t give it to Lindros, they gave it to Brendan Morrow.)

Do not fear gentle reader, the new NHL has plenty of great players. However, the adjustment may take awhile. For example, Alexander Ovechkin wears #8. Not a number you would associate with great players, but he can make it his own. Sidney Crosby wears #87 on the Penguins, and his teammate Evgeni Malkin wears #71. I do not know why they wear those numbers, but I do know they can put the puck in the net. As for scoring, there should be plenty of players breaking 50 goals this year, and Americans certainly respond to gaudy numbers. We have even been blessed with international intrigue. Evgeni Malkin fled Russia this summer to come to North America and play in the NHL, his dream, but his Russian team claims he is still under contract and wants the NHL to pay big for his rights. Nice try Russia.

The scoring race, new young players, and an action packed style mark the new game. If that is not enough to grip viewers, just turn to the league’s laughing stock, the New York Islanders. They do not wear the Gorton fisherman on their jersey’s anymore, but owner Charles Wang’s personnel moves are high comedy. Early June sees Neil Smith hired as new team General Manager. July 18th, Smith is fired, and backup goaltender Garth Snow replaces him (yes, the same Garth Snow that wore giant pads on his shoulders, even though he is 6’ 3” 210 lbs). After hiring Snow, the Islanders proceeded to sign starting goaltender Rick DiPietro to a 15 year, 67 million dollar deal, lasting until he is 40 years old. Only Magic Johnson’s 25 year deal signed with the Los Angeles Lakers in 1981 (which would have expired this past summer) has ever been longer. “The contract is guaranteed, and DiPietro will be paid in full should he retire because of injury. If he ends his career otherwise before the deal expires, he would forfeit the remaining dollars.” Gee, I can’t imagine a goaltender retiring due to injury before the age of 40. Good job Islanders management.

Wrapping up, the NHL has plenty of engaging storylines, and you should not have difficulty picking one and following it. I suggest St. Louis Blues head coach John Davidson pulling a reverse John Madden by switching from broadcasting to the bench. One other thing for you old heads, Joe Sakic recently scored his 1,500th career point, the 11th player to reach that milestone. There is something for everyone, just watch!

The Top 10 - NCAA Football: Week 9

10. Boise State (8-0)/ Rutgers (7-0) (tie) Lets face it, mid-majors do not get any respect, but here are two that are still unbeaten (yes, I'm labeling Rutgers as a mid-major). Obviously, Boise State has a better track record than Rutgers, but Greg Schiano has steadily built up the jewel of the Garden State (take that Princeton). We’ll see how long Rutgers can hold on to their lofty ranking with tough games coming up. The Broncos, on the other hand, faced no one tougher than Pac-10 also-ran Oregon State (or possibly 5-2 Hawaii). I have a soft spot for Hawaii, because it’s just so damn fun building them up as a powerhouse in NCAA Football. Rutgers probably won't go undefeated, but they did win me a drink in a bar bet - that’s more than enough for this season.
Next goal for Rutgers: keep Jersey kids in Jersey.
Next goal for BS: Continue laughing at Dan Hawkins.

9. Auburn (7-1) I can’t believe I’m admitting this, but I almost put Auburn ahead of Arkansas. Luckily I corrected my obvious mistake. I hate it when teams have played each other and the loser of that game sits one spot ahead of their better. Case in point: this week the AP Poll had Tennessee one spot ahead of Florida, but Florida beat UT. What in Jim Bob Cooter is going on? Maybe if the AP corrected those aberrations they would actually get a say in the BCS. In the USA Today poll, Florida jumped UT (correcting their own dunce move of last week). Unfortunately, the Harris poll voters aren’t quite as smart yet. Maybe this whole BCS thing is a little complicated, but that’s for another day.
Next goal: Rise in polls to match high BCS rating.

8. Arkansas (6-1) What’s not to love about a true freshman quarterback leading a BCS conference team? On top of that, Mitch Mustain came to Arkansas with 3 classmates and their high school coach, who is now the Razorbacks Offensive coordinator. Oh, and Arkansas also has stud RB’s and a hobbit for a linebacker. If early season losses are better than late season losses, then why isn’t this team higher in the polls? Besides, that early loss came to undefeated Southern Cal and Arkansas went on to stun Auburn in Jordan-Hare Stadium.
Next goal: Win the SEC West.

7. Clemson (7-1) Ok, Arkansas should probably be here (and maybe even Auburn), but it’s my poll. No one’s saying you have to agree, but hear me out. What’s not to love about this team outside of a 1-point loss to a tough BC squad? If Chansi Stuckey wasn't injured Clemson would be even more of an offensive super beast. Instead, they have been "forced" to rely upon 1,484 yards and 23 TDs from a two-headed monster backfield: James Davis and CJ Spiller. As if that isn't enough, Demerick Chancellor also has two 100 yard games from the RB position (albeit in scrub time against weak teams). Still, how can you not love three separate 100 yard rushers in one game, with no one exceeding 15 carries? Who needs a defense? Yet conveniently, Clemson fields a defense that just happens to allow the fewest PPG in the ACC. Even so, it might be more exciting if they'd just let the other team score so we could see that offense on the field more. Next goal: Win ACC Atlantic.
[I get it, "Atlantic" and "Coastal" divisions, just like the conference name. CLEVER!]

6. Louisville (7-0) They are undefeated and in a BCS conference. If Michael Bush was not hurt they might have moved past Texas in the rankings. That said, I still have a feeling that they will lose a game or two.
Next goal: Don’t F*** up. That, or get Bush to sign on for a senior year instead of a lucrative NFL contract.

5. Texas (7-1) I really don't think they're that great, but they did return alot of players from what I’m told is the team that won the National Championship. I could have sworn I only saw Vince Young playing in that game - didn't he win the title all by himself? Regardless, this year’s version has a good secondary and a very large go-to WR. They also have some talented RBs that can keep pressure off the QB. They got away with a gift vs. Nebraska, so until Texas can beat the Cornhuskers in the Big 12 Championship game I don't see them moving up in these rankings. I’m not saying Nebraska deserves to crack the top 10, but their only other loss was to USC, and that was by a smaller (MUCH smaller) margin than Arkansas’s loss.
Next goal: Win the Big 12 Title. If you can’t make the national championship game, complain and get into a better bowl than you deserved.

4. WVU (7-0) The Mountaineers are the real reason the option still exists in any form. Pat White and Steve Slaton lead the offense, Dan Mozes leads the offensive line, and Rich Rodriguez leads the whole thing. How far can they go? This is a team that got back to basics this year after wiping the floor with Georgia in last years Sugar Bowl (at least for the first half). WVU is no stranger to backyard brawls and the meat of their schedule still lies ahead of them (Louisville, Pitt (THE Backyard Brawl), Rutgers (yes, Rutgers can be considered on the meat of somebody’s schedule, just not the cream)). Football has a lot of food analogies...I’m hungry. Anyway, I hope WVU goes undefeated and gets a shot at the national championship. It should be noted that Pat White is the real Heisman hopeful from this team, even though we all know he won’t win.
Next goal: Beat your Big-East challengers, one at a time - next up...Louisville.

3. USC (6-0) They have not lost yet. Otherwise, they remain unimpressive.
P.S. Mitch Mustain did not start the Arkansas game.
P.P.S. It probably wouldn't have mattered.
P.P.P.S. USC should forfeit all wins under Reggie Bush.
P.P.P.P.S. Ernest Shazor should have blocked that field goal in the ’05 Rose Bowl.
P.P.P.P.P.S. Texas never deserved to be there in the first place. Mack Brown and Tom Osborne are babies.
P.P.P.P.P.P.S.U. I know PSU fans agree with me on that last one.
Next goal: Lose to a team you shouldn’t for once.

2. Ohio State (8-0) This ranking comes down to pure bias (moreso east coast/northern mid western bias). OSU really hasn’t played anyone tough this year (Colt McCoy was starting his first real college game in Texas). Why the hell is a plant your mascot anyway? (Quick thanks to wikipedia for your fast information which may or may not be correct.) Anyway, I’ll wait for the game on November 18th to prove me right.
Next goal: Win out until Nov. 18th.

[







]<---That’s the gap between first and second and it’s not even that close.


1. Michigan (8-0) Despite what I said before - I am saying you have to agree with this. The only weak spot on this team is Junior QB Chad Henne (and according to revered magazine Sports Illustrated, he is the 8th best QB in the country). And please, please, PLEASE stop saying things like “healthy Hart” and “Hart of the team” if you are a highly paid broadcast announcer. You should be ashamed and fired. Just call it like it is...Mike “Sexy” Hart.
Next goal: Win and stay healthy.