How to Succeed in Fantasy Football Without Really Trying

Ok, the title is a little misleading. I actually spend an embarrassing amount of time trying to succeed, but I don’t think that is something of which I am especially proud. Regardless, it sounds catchier than “How to Consistently Manage to Come Up with Improbable Wins Against Far Better Fantasy Football Teams.” I think.

I am going to start by NOT rattling off my roster. It might make this column more useful or funny to hardcore Fantasyists(?), but I fear that actually exposing just how laughable my team is might mess with whatever mojo I have going right now.

Here is where I stand in our ten team league:

• Third fewest points scored
• Fourth worst in Power Ranking
• Haven’t broken 100 points ever in a week
• No single player has broken 30 points in one week
• Two players remain on my roster from draft day
• Zero players worth keeping in our keeper league
• Third place regular season finish
• League Championship finalist this upcoming week
  

Other craziness:

Mike Furrey, Wali Lundy, Tony Scheffler have all made starts for me in weeks I won. If you are nodding your head and thinking, “Those are solid fantasy players,” please go take a walk outside. It’s a nice day, and you could use the sun.

My losses largely came at the hands of non-playoff teams. I caught LaDanian Tomlinson on his bye week. The one and only week of the season that I outscored Ricky, fellow Talking Head, was the week we played each other. The following week? The league doormat takes me behind the woodshed and spanks me senseless.

Last week’s playoff opponent had Drew Brees, Antonio Gates, Andre Johnson, and the Bear’s Defense combine for a total of 13 points....and I still only won by 7.

So, what is my secret?

I do play the waiver wire pretty hard and read all the “Sit ‘Em, Play ‘Em” columns that I can Google, but last week’s efforts landed me a goose egg from Marty Booker and an underwhelming nine points from the Jets’ D. I fancy myself a diamond in the rough spotting GM virtuoso, but have no real scoring improvement of which to speak. That can’t be it.

Really, it has just come down to my opponent having their worst possible week when they play me. That can only be attributed to karma, and apparently, I have the good kind in spades. I always try to help people when they are moving, assuming I’m in the mood. I also rarely pass gas in elevators, unless I am going more than three floors (that would be unhealthy). When I find money lying on the floor in taxis, I use it to pay my fare, which is, essentially, turning it in to the authorities. It is a martyr’s life, but it is the only one I know.

To prepare for this week’s championship, I will be kicking my efforts into high gear . I am facing the return of LT and a team with an average score of nearly double my own. I suggest the rest of you with big games prepare diligently as well. Except for you, team AC Slater, cuz you’re about to be steamrolled by the Karma-town Express!

Good luck to everyone in the last week or so, and remember, there are no losers in pretend football.

A quick thought:

Last week, I read that Mark Bavaro’s novel about a NFL tight end struggling with injuries and money problems will soon be on bookshelves. Great. Thanks guy. With a few exceptions,I think sports figures are so smothered and exposed from such a young age that very few of them get to develop into genuinely interesting people. At this point, the only athlete with a story I would actually read would be Bison Dele. Unfortunately, no one will ever hear what really went down on that boat, but the way the details trickled in day by day was surreal. Anyone who needs a refresher, check out http://denver.rockymountainnews.com/dele/index.shtml

Fantasy Lineup Picks - Week 11

Aloha – welcome back for Week 11 of the fantasy season. As always, this is the place where I offer my weekly picks of who to get in your lineup, who to sit, and what defenses are scary good or possibly ripe for the picking. I should note as a disclaimer that yes, I have received all your "funny" emails and messages about my recommendation to sit Ocho Stinko last week. I now know how infinitely stupid am and how all of you knew that he was going to break the Bengals' single game receiving record. I look forward to reading your fantasy picks articles in the near future - until then...

Use 'em:

1. Steve McNair: I was always on the fence about McNair, even in his "glory" days. We were force fed story after story about how tough he was, but for all of his toughness he seemed to be battling a different injury every other week. Perhaps Peyton should start floating info on his injuries and he'll be seen as less of a choke artist and more of a "tough guy." Well...probably not...but I do like his funny commercials. Billick has the Ravens playing for his job of late and McNair's stats seem to be benefitting. Get him in the lineup if you need a qb.

2. Thomas Jones: Diligent research brought to light that Jones has rushed for more yards in his first three seasons with the Bears than any other running back in team history not named Walter Payton. Are you for real? You mean he's better than Curtis Enis AND Anthony Thomas? The man does deserve his props though. Fortunately for Jones's fantasy owners, Cedric Benson has been working through the Ricky Williams 12 Step program on how to alienate yourself from your team. Jones gets a weak Jets run defense this week so I'd say start him if you've got him.

3. Anthony Thomas:

Actual conversation:

"So, I'm kind of screwed now that Portis went down...luckily I picked up Anthony Thomas last week."

[without sarcasm] "Oh yeah...that's a good thing."

Sometimes you just can't explain these things. Thomas has been better in the past two weeks than McGahee was before he went down. No wonder people like Ocho Cinco make me look stupid.

4. Joey Galloway: We're stepping into the way back machine for wide receivers this week. Galloway hasn't been the same this year as he was last (he's actually been much more like the Galloway of...well...every other year he played). Expected decline aside, Joey (can grown men still call themselves that?) matches up with a Skins defense this week that has been running a scheme that is entirely new to the NFL - it is called the Cover-20 (meaning that they refuse to cover anyone who runs more than 20 yards downfield). Joey still has some jets, so look for him to get open deep once or twice.

5. Muhsin Muhammad: Not the sexiest pick at wideout, but the Moose has scored in three straight games and looks to make it four this week against the Jets. Rex seems to like the greater NYC area alot more than his other road locals, so he'll probably keep looking Moose's way this week. On the subject, but somewhat unrelated...remember when Muhammad got like 18 TDs a couple of years ago with the Panthers? What the hell was that? Has anybody ever jumped from semi-dependable role player to ultra stud and back again in such a short amount of time. What was that Jamal Lewis? You had something to say?

6. Kellen Winslow: Apparently he's a stud tight end and he gets the ball on almost every passing play. Apparently the Browns were resurrected in Cleveland and they play a game almost every Sunday. I haven't actually seen any proof of any of this, but Winslow does have alot of fantasy points.

7. Chiefs Defense: So let me get this straight. The Raiders have to play in Kansas City and in their crack game plan for the week they can't decide between Aaron Brooks and Andrew Walter? Does it even matter? Do you even need me to write the jokes for this one? Take the Chefs and tune in for a game that will leave da raiders Shell shocked.

8. The "Idiot Kicker": Kickers are a fickle bunch but I've got to believe that if any kicker was ever going to get up for any game, it would be Vanderjagt and it would be this game. Can't you see him staring down Peyton in pregame stretches and then taking two hop-steps and lofting a 35 yarder? Boo ya! Is there a less intimidating sight in the NFL than a vengeful kicker? We'll find out this week.

While the above 8 will have you preparing to polish the league fantasy trophy, here are 8 that might leave you strategizing early for next year's draft...

Lose 'em (at least for this week)

1. Brad Johnson: I'm not sure anyone has aged faster over the course of a season than Brad Johnson has this year. It's not unlike in Lord of the Rings when Bilbo gives Frodo the ring of power and then proceeds to age about 900 years overnight. Did I just say that? Thank god I already have a fiance - I'd obviously be in trouble in the dating world. As for Brad...bench him...he sucks.

2. Leon Washington: I had him here last week and he lived up (or would it be down?) to my expectations. Now he gets to face the Bears fresh off a week of controversy regarding his trading card picture. I'd crack wise about trading card collectors but then I'd just get a ton of emails about my comment above. Consider yourselves safe for one week...geeks.

3. Travis Henry: Did you ever wait for a bus that was extremely late? By "bus"...I mean the local transit type and by "late"...I mean somewhere close to 4 hours. But you stuck it out...you waited for that bus and you'd be damned if you're going to move. You wouldn't move because you knew as soon as you did, that stupid Route 64 would have hauled ass around the corner taking on free fares, packed to the windows with SI swimsuit models. Well Travis Henry is that bus for me. I've been calling his number for weeks, but he keeps making me look stupid. Well watch out Travis, this is MY week - I've got a feeling my bus is just about to pull into the shelter courtesy of the Eagles defense and you, my friend, will have nowhere to run.

4. Drew Bennett: I guess I might as well stick with the Titans while I'm at it. I've always had a mantra regarding Drew Bennett in fantasy football - it goes a little something like this..."DON'T START DREW BENNETT." A few seasons back, Drew had something like 8 touchdowns in two games courtesy of Billy Volek. Ever since then, fantasy owners have had this weird crush on the guy. It's almost like no matter how mediocre he is, there's one owner in each league who will say "hey...I remember that one game a few years ago he had like 4 touchdowns - maybe I should..." NO. YOU SHOULDN'T. You'll thank me in the long run.

5. TJ Houshmanmagillagorilla: You can google it on the spelling, but you know who I'm talking about. This is apparently my slot for Bengals receivers and you know I couldn't go there with my boy Ocho again (sorry Ocho...I've always loved ya!). Ocho's counterpart had his head removed via a high tackle last week and he appears to have fallen out of favor with Captain Carson. I expect that trend to continue this week.

Side Note: Do any of you out there have a deeply hidden fear that fantasy football will go the way of Dungeons and Dragons or some other dork game like Risk? Can't you imagine a Kramer-type character playing "retro" fantasy football on a futuristic subway in some sitcom years from now? "The Houshmandzadeh is NOT WEAK!" Yeah...I never worry about that either.

6. Emmitt Smith: I kid. I kid. Just wanted to make sure you’re all still dancin.


6(a). L.J. Smith: Uh oh! I might be going out on a limb here, but hear me out. Smith's numbers have fallen off considerably the past few weeks - which isn't particularly surprising if you've seen the type of pass plays Chunky Donnie and the Eagles have been running. Against the Redskins, I think Donnie actually punted the ball on one play to a streaking Donte Stallworth who appeared to have about 35 yards on the nearest defender. I'd be concerned about whether there's going to be a need to dump off the ball to Smith in this wide open, bombs away attack. [L.J. will now of course shatter the Eagles single game receiving record]

7. Jay Feeley: A kicker who was mostly Mr. Dependable last season has become Mr. "I Need Depends" in the clutch this year. Now he has to go on the road to play a Jacksonville team that has a pretty good scoring defense. Hey, kickers can't break single game receiving records...right?

8. Cowboys D: Despite all that young talent, the 'Boys D has been a little inconsistent this season. This is not the week for one of those inconsistencies to flare up and it's certianly not the week to be starting a defense who plays the Colts. Speaking of this game, what's with the low spread? Are the Colts somehow considered a "weak" 9-0? They can't even be solid favorites against a quarterback named Tony Romo? I've got a feeling Peyton might have one of those 4 TD games up his sleeve and I'm not looking for Tony to match it.

The BIG Fives

Finally we have The BIG Fives - these are the top five and bottom five rushing and passing defenses among active teams this week. If all else fails, look to these lists before calling in the team to draw straws.

Rushing Defense

1. Vikings
2. Ravens
3. Patriots
4. Cowboys
5. Broncos

28. Jets
29. Rams
30. Browns
31. Titans
32. Colts

Passing Defense

1. Bears
2. Colts
3. Raiders
4. Dolphins
5. Jag-u-ars

28. Bengals
29. Cardinals
30. Falcons
31. Packers
32. Redskins

That's about it for this week folks. Choose wisely and remember...if all else fails...at least you're not a dancing loser like Mario Lopez.

Fantasy Linup Picks - Week 10

Hey Kids – I’m back for another try at the weekly fantasy picks. As always, this is the place where I offer my weekly picks of who to get in your lineup, who to sit, and what defenses are scary good or possibly ripe for the picking. Follow this advice you’ll have lots to brag about on your next date.

I'll start with the studs of the week...

Use 'em:

1. Jon Kitna: In recent weeks, Jon Kitna has become an invaluable fantasy option. Yes, you read that right…Jon Kitna…invaluable fantasy option. With Roy Williams having a strong season and the Lions putting up a ton of points, look for Kitna to put up good numbers again this week against a weak Niners defense.

2. Jamal Lewis: Several weeks ago I discussed the “Hot Ex-Girlfriend Effect” in light of the turnaround of Travis Henry. To briefly recap, the hot ex-girlfriend is the horribly bitchy girl that your buddy rightfully broke up with, yet falls for again years later when he sees her at the bar. He happily takes her home…but you and I both know how it’s going to end. Jamal Lewis fits the category this season, but with a terrible Titans run defense on tap, he’ll be good enough for the one game hookup. Look for 75-plus yards and a score in Tennessee.

3. Joseph Addai: It’s hard to start a Colts running back this season considering the way Peyton has been playing, but Addai has been doing his best to change your mind. As Dominic Rhodes has stumbled his way to the bench, Addai seems to be getting better every week. The improvement will continue this week against the Bills, a fantasy bonus that you won’t want to miss out on.

4. Roy Williams: Who knew “The Legend” was such a looney? For that matter, what are they putting in the water down there in Austin? First Ricky Williams rewrote the book on NFL weird, then Cedric Benson made enemies of pretty much everyone in a Bears uniform, now we have Roy Dubs making ridiculous predictions every time a tape recorder is shoved in his face. Perhaps one day he’ll learn to shut up and play, but as you wait for that development don’t hesitate to start inserting “The Legend” in your lineup on a weekly basis.

5. Marques Colston: Before hearing his name pronounced, I was holding out hope that he went with a cool French/hippy inflection like “Mar….Kay”. Unfortunately for me, Marcus decided differently. Considering his incredibly play, Joe Horn’s absence, and Drew Brees’s hot streak, the pronunciation of his name is about the only thing open to criticism from Colston these days. Get him in your lineup and keep him there…you’ll thank me later.

6. Jeremy Shockey: First glance would make Shockey out to be a bad start this week. He’s been gimpy all season, the Bears are coming to town, and Amani Toomer is no longer around to help spread the field. While these are all valid points, I’m still recommending Shockey as a start this week. Plax already jinxed himself with the bears CBs, so Eli’s going to have to throw the ball to somebody.

7. Broncos Defense: Start one of the best defenses in the league? Profound advice on my part right? Well…actually…yeah. Despite their strong play this season, the Broncos Defense have yet to grace the top 5 of fantasy defenses. They are getting close though and they are a great fantasy play this week as they face an Oakland team whose mediocrity is now beyond description.

8. Jason Elam: Elam has yet to hit 10 fantasy points all season, which is surprising from a guy who plays for a team that doesn’t get in the end zone much. While the Raiders defense hasn’t been winning many games, they have done a good job at tightening up in the red zone. Somebody has to score points for the Broncos and Elam could be the guy this week.

While the above 8 will have you brushing elbows with the league elite, here are 8 that might leave you crying into your Tuesday morning Coco Puffs...

Lose 'em (at least for this week)

1. Rex Grossman: Where do I begin? Remember in the Monday Night game against Arizona when Rex was hitting every open Cards defender? Well the Gross Man nearly outdid himself at home last week when he hit a streaking Jason Taylor on the hash for a Dolphins TD. Did you see the replay? What was he thinking? The Giants defense is banged up this week, but I’m thinking our boy Rex will find a way to get them a score or two. This won’t help your fantasy cause in the least. You know what to do with him.

2. Leon Washington: Washington has been a hot pickup in fantasy circles. His success in the NFL surprises me considering he was a bit of a letdown at FSU. That said, Curtis Martin unfortunately seems to be done in the NFL and nobody else on the Jets would step up, so the job is apparently Washington’s to lose. He might have a future in the league, but the future isn’t this week and it isn’t against the Pats third ranked run defense.

3. Travis Henry: And we come full circle…back to the “Hot Ex-Girlfriend Effect.” Admit it…you saw Henry blowing up a few weeks ago and you said to yourself “Man…those are some good numbers…I remember when he was in Buffalo…he was REALLY good…and I can get him in a trade straight up for Peyton Manning?...” I hope you didn’t get sucked in, but if you did, this is the week to jump off the bandwagon. The Ravens happen to have a decent defense…Travis won’t be looking so hot after Sundays game.

4. Lee Evans: In his past two games, Evans has been targeted 10 times but has only been able to muster 3 receptions. While one of these receptions went for a touchdown, the lack of overall production has to be concerning to Evans’ owners. This week Lee takes on a surprisingly strong Colts pass defense (which may or may not be a reflection of their run defense). The Colts picked off Tom Brady about 9 times last week…this doesn’t look good for J.P. Losman, Evans, or the Bills. Leave them all on the bench.

5. Chad Johnson:

Where have you gone, Ocho Cinco?
Our nation turns it's lonely eyes to you.
What's that you say, Mr. Lewis?
Chatting Chad has left and gone away,
Hey hey hey.

Bench him.

6. Larry Johnson: I kid. I kid. Just wanted to make sure you’re still paying attention.

6(a). Owen Daniels: How can I explain this? Most fantasy leagues have 10 or 12 teams. Through simple math, we can see that there are only a certain number of tight ends who should be started on a weekly basis – you know their names (if you don’t, I can’t help you anyways). Simply put, Owen Daniels isn’t one of those names yet and he shouldn’t be considered one of the top tight ends in the league. I realize the guy has 5 touchdowns, but for whatever reason I’m just not sold. Start him at your own risk – and don’t say I didn’t warn you.

7. Jeff Reed: Not that a lot of people are starting him, but if you considering it this is definitely not the week to do so. Reed’s Steelers play the Saints on Sunday, which leads me to what is probably the most interesting stat I’ve read this week. The New Orleans Saints have only given up four…yes FOUR…field goals the entire season. That averages out to half a field goal per game. I’m not really sure what this stat means but for some reason it really impresses me. Does their defense exercise a break but don’t bend mentality? Are the goal posts smaller than league regulations? Do they let air out of all the footballs? Whatever the reason, nobody seems to kick field goals against the Saints, and I doubt Reed will be the one to reverse the trend.

8. Seahawks D: Sure, they looked good last week, but we all know who they were playing. Judging by their Monday Night games (the only times I’ve seen them), the Raiders appear to have reached a level of offensive incompetence the likes of which we’ve never seen before. At this point, it’s going to be a tough call whether you take the Raiders or the Amsterdam Admirals when you play one of those “let’s pick crappy teams” matchups in Madden 2008. Unfortunately for the Seahawks, they only play the Raiders once this season. Next up is Holt, Jackson, Bulger and the Rams. I’d look elsewhere.

The BIG Fives

Finally we have The BIG Fives - these are the top five and bottom five rushing and passing defenses among active teams this week. If all else fails, look to these lists before reaching in your pocket for a coin to flip.

Rushing Defense

1. Vikings
2. Ravens
3. Patriots
4. Chargers
5. Cowboys

28. Rams
29. Browns
30. Jets
31. Titans
32. Colts

Passing Defense

1. Bears
2. Raiders
3. Colts
4. Dolphins
5. Saints

28. Patriots
29. Broncos
30. Redskins
31. Falcons
32. Packers

That's about it for this week folks. Choose wisely and if all else fails, blame it on the voting machines.

Fantasy Lineup Picks - Week 8

Hey Kids – time for another round of the weekly fantasy roundup. As always, this is the place where I offer my weekly picks of who to get in your lineup, who to sit, and what defenses are scary good or possibly ripe for the picking. Follow this advice closely and you’ll spend hours on end bragging about your imaginary sports triumphs.

I'll start with the studs of the week...

Use em':
1. Brett Favre: Halfway through his 32nd season and 8 games from his next big retirement crisis, La Frenchman has been a solid fantasy option this year. He has had two ugly games, but those starts were against the Iggles and Da’ Bears. I’m confident that Brett will have his giddy/childish game face on this weekend and the Cards D will fold accordingly.

2. Tatum Bell: I had him up here last week and he came through with a good game. Is Tatum perhaps reaching weekly starter status? Is it time for me to move on and assume that you’ve all figured that out? I guess we’ll find out next week – for this week he gets a questionable Indy run D in a game where Coach Mad Mike will certainly want to grind the clock by running the rock.

3. Rex Grossman: His last start was the stuff of legend. I touched on it last week but it’s really worth revisiting. If you saw the Cards/Bears game you know that Rex orchestrated the perfect storm of terrible quarterbacking. Good barstool question: if you had to start one quarterback from a particular time would it be T-Rex in the Cards game, Kordell Stewart right before he was yanked for Tommy Maddox, or Koy Detmer…circa…well…ever? Don’t hurt yourself with that one. These musings aside, I’m willing to give Rex a mulligan for the Cards game. Truth be told, even before the Cards game Rex had only thrown for 2 touchdowns on the road all season vs. 8 at home. He certainly can’t go any lower, so don’t be surprised if Rex bounces back in a big way against the Niners.

4. Chad Johnson: Profound insight on my part right? Who’s next on the list? Larry Johnson? Unfortunately, anyone who has had Chad Johnson this season knows where I’m coming from. He hasn’t been as good as advertised…frequently…by himself…by the NFL-N…and by ESPN. Watching Chad play second fiddle to a man with 18 syllables in his name has been as painful as watching Bill Parcells coach a game in a tube top. Love him or hate him, we want to see the “ocho cinco” score and we want to see him dance. He’ll get that chance this week against a Falcons D that has recently converted to a “two hand touch” defensive scheme.

5. Wali Lundy: Smallish UVA running back who might not be big enough to make it in the NFL and certainly won’t be a star? Solid pass catcher out of the backfield who has great vision? Does he have a twin brother? Is he going to retire after his rookie season? It’s probably too early to anoint Wali the next Tiki Torch, but it’s impossible to deny his potential. While the Texans aren’t quite there yet, you get the feeling that Kubiak and Carr can take them places and you have to love the potential of a Lundy, Carr and Johnson combination. Fresh off a big game against the Jags, Wali draws a weak Titans D this week. Expect a solid game and at least one score.

6. Laurence Maroney: Might as well make a run on the rookie backs. Maroney had a big kickoff return last week that probably didn’t help most of you who were starting him as a rb (hopefully you scoped my column and knew to keep him on the bench). This week is a different story as Sir Laurence heads home to Minnesota to run on the Metrodome turf where he was an absolute monster in college. You think Corey Dillon’s old bones are excited about hitting that fake grass/concrete? Maroney should get substantial playing time and he’ll be sure to take advantage of it, even against a tough Vikings D.

7. Travis Henry: Travis is one of those players who suffers from what I like to call the “hot ex-girlfriend effect.” Perhaps your buddy has this hot ex-girlfriend, we’ll call her Phyllis. Phyllis is smoking hot, but your buddy had only been dating her for 3 months when he found her clubbing baby seals while growing horns out of her head – total witch. Buddy sees Phyllis in the bar a year or two later – “hey, she sure looks good!” Before you can stop him, buddy is out the door with Phyllis and you’re left to finish your beer by yourself. Players like Travis Henry, Kevin Jones, Jamal Lewis, and apparently Daunte Culpepper suffer from the hot ex-girlfriend effect. They’ve burned you in the past but once they show some potential you’re all over them again (despite that sick feeling in your stomach that none of it will end very well). Fortunately, you can ignore your gut for the one night stand this week as T. Henry gets the Texans at home. He’ll be good for another solid game but I wouldn’t make any wedding plans.

8. Donald Driver: See discussion of his qb above. Donald Duck is in for a potential shootout in cheeseland and he won’t have Greg Jennings (didn’t he used to be a news anchor?) lining up opposite him to steal any balls. Look for about 7 catches and maybe 100 yards to go with a Lambeau Leap inducing score.

9. Chiefs D/Seahawks D: That’s right, a double dipper! It’s looking like Dandy Damon might not make the start for K.C. which can only bode well for the Seahawks. Pretty boy Brodie Croyle had 2 interceptions in his only meaningful NFL action of the season in Week 6 – imagine if he had attempted more than 7 passes! The only thing to like in this game is the under as the Seahawks will be free to stack the line for Larry Johnson and the Chefs D will be treated to an afternoon buffet of Seneca Wallace.

10. Adam Vinatieri: Perhaps the only injured kicker worth stashing on your roster, Vinatieri appears to be rounding back to form. This week takes him to the not so friendly confines of Invesco Stadium Field…at…Mile High…Place…uh…he’s playing in Denver. If there’s one thing Vinatieri seems to love it’s kicking in clutch situations and adverse weather conditions. He’ll get both this week so don’t be surprised if he comes through with some big kicks.

While the above 10 will have you bragging about your fantasy victories here are 10 that I wouldn’t be getting too cocky about starting...

Lose em' (at least for this week)

1. Joseph Addai: While he appears to be making a move toward the Colts starting job, this is not the week Addai should be starting in your lineup. The Browncos D Line has been nothing short of a wall this year, allowing only two touchdowns the entire season. If the Colts are going to win this game it will be on the arm of Peyton Manning and he won’t be using it to handoff to Addai.

2. Cadillac Williams: While he has experienced a bit of a renaissance the last few weeks, the Cadillac isn’t going to enjoy his drive through North Jersey. The Giants are truly starting to click and it’s going to take a big effort from the Bucs just to make this game competitive. While the G-men have some injuries on the D-Line they have more than enough depth to overcome. If you have a better option at rb, use him.

3. Chester Taylor: Oh, Uncle Chester. I had you down here last week and you decided to burn me with a career effort. I watch Sportscenter though Uncle Chester - don’t think the fact that nearly 100 of your 160 rushing yards came on one carry will escape me. I can generate some impressive numbers too, and those numbers tell me that you only ran for an average of 2.9 yards on your other 25 carries. Couple that with only 2 tds on an astounding 137 carries this season and I’ll take my chances with someone who isn’t playing the tough Pats run defense.

4. Fred Taylor: In an amazing feat of endurance, everyone’s favorite piñata has somehow endured to the 8th game of the season. As a reward, Fred gets a trip to Philly to face an angry Iggles team. If I had to pick a Jags runner to start from this game it would be backup Maurice Jones-Drew because he’s a dependable receiver out of the backfield who is able to create plays in space. The Jags had trouble with the Texans so they could be in for a world of hurt in Philly - save the piñata for a different party.

5. Deion Branch: If someone becomes a fixture on the “Lose Em” list should I eventually retire their name and assume you know not to play them? I guess we’ll cross that bridge when we come to it, but for now we have Mr. Branch as our second repeat offender of the week. The deck is stacked grossly against Deion this week as he is playing in a hostile environment with no running game and a terribly inexperienced (and possibly untalented qb). He might climb off the “Lose Em” list when the Hass returns but for now leave Branch on the bench.

6. Alex Smith (QB): This doesn’t mean you should consider starting Alex Smith (TE), but I only deal with one A. Smith at a time. This Smith has been surprisingly dependable this year, with only one truly terrible start in Week 4 against the Chiefs. Interestingly, this is only the third Niners road game of the year and Alex has historically suffered in foreign confines. Chicago is not the place to reverse that trend.

7. Chargers D: While the Chargers D has been “strong” this year you got the feeling that they were beginning to “deflate” last week. It was almost as though they had lost their “juice” – like they were no longer “pumped up” for the game. Ok…enough of that. This defense seems to be dropping players left and right and this week they face a Rams offense that has been extremely hot of late. Even though they’ve been solid at home it wouldn’t be a bad idea to seek out an alternative D this week.

8. De'Shaun Foster: I took the risk of recommending him as a starter last week - that backfired excellently. You won’t see the same mistake again this week. Despite a great performance by the Tiki Torch on Monday night, the Cowboys have a very solid run defense. Add to that the fact that DeAngelo Williams could potentially be making a return to the lineup and our buddy De’Shaun is in a bad spot.

9. Maurice Morris: May I present to you Exhibit A in my ongoing demonstration of why “handcuffing” is a stupid way to build your fantasy football team. Everyone knows that running back depth is essential in fantasy football. Take yourself back to draft day…you take Shaun Alexander with a top 3 pick and you’re set (or so you thought). As you continue to build your team you have a choice to make – handcuff Alexander later or go after another good starter at rb and potentially sacrifice a Terry Glenn type at wr. The choice is simple, take the 3rd rb – always. Did anybody breathe a sigh of relief when Shaun Alexander went down this season because they had Maurice Morris and Terry Glenn? Wouldn’t you rather have a Frank Gore or a Julius Jones to plug into your lineup? Me too. Morris has been downright awful as a “handcuff” with only 158 yards in three starts. This week he lines up behind Seneca Wallace AND loses his starting right tackle. Remember this situation when you draft next year.

10. Brad Johnson: Perhaps the most dependable quarterback in fantasy football, Brad Johnson is at home this week against…wait a minute…are any of you actually starting Brad Johnson? Though he seems to have been playing forever, Johnson has never really been a stud fantasy option. He’s not getting any younger and his receiving corps isn’t getting any healthier. If you don’t have a better option, claim one – you’ll thank me Tuesday morning.

The BIG Fives

Finally we have The BIG Fives - these are the top five and bottom five rushing and passing defenses among active teams this week. If all else fails, look to these lists before reaching in your pocket for a coin to flip. The teams I've denoted with an asterisk (*) are those whose statistical ranking might be higher or lower than the actual quality of their defense. In other words - don't be too afraid of the Raiders pass defense.

Rushing Defense

1. Vikings
2. Ravens
3. Bears
4. Cowboys
5. Chargers

28. Browns
29. Bucs
30. Colts
31. Titans
32. Jets

Passing Defense

1. Raiders*
2. Chargers
3. Colts
4. Bears
5. Chiefs*

28. Falcons
29. Lions
30. Niners
31. Texans
32. Packers

That's about it for this week folks. Choose wisely and if all else fails blame it on the pine tar.

Fantasy Lineup Picks - Week 7

Hey Kids - welcome back to the weekly fantasy roundup. This is the place to look for answers to the tough lineup decisions we all face on a weekly basis. There are certain guys I'll never tell you to start - if you're benching Peyton or LT2 when they're active then you've already taken your team to depths from which I can't help you recover. For the rest of you, I offer my weekly picks of who to get in your lineup, who to sit, and what defenses are scary good or possibly ripe for the picking. Follow this advice closely and your imaginary men will march to certain victory.

I'll start with the good news...

Use em':

1. Ronnie Brown: If you drafted him you probably have no other choice, but it seems like this promising War Eagle could finally be turning the corner. After last week's big game against the Jets, Ronnie pulls another pancakce opponent in Green Bay. The Packers give up some yards through the air as well, but Ronnie has proved a threat in the passing game and Joey the Franchise isn't scaring anybody.

2. Tatum Bell: Another back who has been turning it up a notch the past few weeks. Tatum seems to be the only Bell that Mad Mike wants to ring these days and that can make his fantasy owners nothing but happy. Bring on the less than impressive Browns front seven and Tatum should be in for another solid outing.

3. Randy McMichael: The absence of Daunte has meant the reemergence of Randy for the Swimming Mammals. McMichael has had 18 catches in the past threeweeks and he seems to settle down comfortably into the zone where Joey Franchise likes to showcase his arm "strength".

4. Cards' D: Did you see the Monday night game? Anyone who did knows that Rex Grossman pulled off the closest real-life semblance of a Techmo Super Bowl game in years. Every time T-Rex dropped back to pass there were Redbirds swarming around him just like the little guys on Nintendo. I half expected a Robbie Gould kick to be blocked by an Arizona defender who had leapt 30 feet into the air superman style. Ready...Down...Hut, Hut, Hut, Hut. Look for the Cards to continue calling the other team's play when they head into the Black Eye this week to take on the hapless Raiders.

5. Andre Johnson: He's really a must-start at this point. I'm just writing this to remind you. Don't expect to read his name here next week - I know your learning curve.

6. De'Shaun Foster: With fellow De' and future stud Williams on the bench, "Don't Call Me Barry" has been starting to turn things around. After a tough outing in Baltimore last week, De'Shaun draws a Bengals D that hasn't exactly been stout against the run. Start him with confidence - at least until his next big "break".

7. Willie Parker: Another guy who has approached weekly starter status. The Falcons formerly respectable run D was absolutely shredded by the Tiki Torch last week and he's allegedly on the footsteps of retirment. The fresh legs of Parker should be good for a score or maybe even two.

8. Joey Galloway: I know what you're thinking. Fresh off his huge season last year, Joey seems to have reverted to being...well...himself. But if you look at the recievers who had big games against the Birds this year (Amani Toomer, Joe Horn?) you'll see that even the Galloway of old could be in for a big week. Joe Horn knew Joe Horn would have a studly Joe Horn type game and I think Galloway can to.

9. Chad Pennington: We can't ignore him anymore. Chad has been a pleasant surpise this year with only a slip-up at Jacksonville in Week 5 holding him back. This week he draws every fantasy quarterback's best friend - the Lions D.

10. Maurice Jones-Drew: It won't take you long to realize my stance on backup running backs - stay away from them. This also bleeds into another of my fantasy pet peeves - handcuffs. Why handcuff a stud back (and a roster spot) with a lesser back when with a little effort you could go out and get a good starter to give your team some depth? Were you really excited about starting whatever schmuck was backing up Larry Johnson when Antrel Roll showed him how to wear his helmet backwards? Flying in the face of all that strategy is Maurice. Maybe it's because he's vertically challenged like yours truely, but I really like the guy. What I like even more than his moves, strentgh and vision is the walking pinata that he plays behind - Fred Taylor. Jones-Drew has a cake matchup with the Texans this week and I'm sure they'll get him in the game early for fear of Fred's left leg suddenly shattering and raining lollipops on the field.

While the above ten I'd love to have in a lineup, here are 10 I'm nervous about...

Lose em' (at least for this week)

1. Chester Taylor: Uncle Chester hasn't found the end zone since Week One in D.C. and it doesn't look like this will be his week to return. Seattle is a tough place to play and the Seahawks D is killer against the run. If you have other options, use them.

2. Warrick Dunn: Stand-up community guy. Immensely underrated talent. Ages like fine wine. There is perhaps nothing to dislike about the guy save for his matchup this week. The Ketchup Bottlers sport a tough run D - one that held Larry Johnson to 26 yards on 15 carries last week.

3. Drew Bledsoe: Remember that huge primetime game where Drew came through in the clutch and the Cowboys won? Yeah, me neither. Unless your league awards points for back-breaking interceptions look elsewhere for a signal caller.

4. Falcons' D: As they showed last week, their run defense is far from impenetrable. Taking on Willie Parker and the Steelers is no safe way to lick your wounds. Look for Big Ben to take care of the ball again and the Falcons D to stay grounded in fantasy land.

5. T.J. Houshmandzadeh: Browse some other lists online and you'll probably find him in the first set of players. I place him here not because I see him getting worse, but because his success might be his undoing. If defenses start buying into the "TJ is the better Bengal wr" buzz they will adjust their scheme accordingly. The Panthers have the talent to shut him down.

6. Willis McGahee: Despite being at the top of the AFC in rushing, Willis has been falling off the last couple of weeks. Following a terrible home loss to the Broncos, the Pats have been red-hot, particularly with a big road win against another solid AFC back, Rudi Johnson. Crabby Bill will turn it up another notch this week leaving Willis with nowhere to run.

7. Laurence Maroney: Love his promise, love his future, not too strong on him this week. Yes the Bills gave up alot of rushing yards to the Pats in Week One but this is October and this is Buffalo where summer means you can take off your outer layer of coats and winter snow starts in August. I know that Maroney went to Minnesota, but they play in a dome. Leave the rookie on the bench this week, you'll thank me.

8. Damon Huard: Dandy Damon has come back to earth and Kansas City is holding it's collective breath awaiting the return of Trent Green. As they wait, they get to watch their Chefs cook up a way to get by San Diego, whose ferocious D has been lights out all season. Hopefully you weren't in need of this advice but just in case, leave Huard on the bench...or better yet - waivers.

9. Deion Branch: Anyone who drafted Deion Branch early last season knows how incredibly frustrating he can be on a week to week basis. A two td game will be followed by a one reception game. He finds himself in yet another "spread the ball around" offense in coffee land and there's no guarantee this will be his week. If you have other options I suggest you use them.

10. Ladell Betts: Now for a more traditional example of the backup running back problem. With players of this nature you never know when they will get in the game and for how long. Unlike Jones-Drew above who will be spelling a fragile back, Betts is stuck behind a fully recovered workhorse in Clinton Portis. Despite the Redskins best intentions to run the Colts to death, would you really be surprised to see the Horshoes up a few scores at halftime? Hopefully that's a chance you won't be taking.

The BIG Fives

Finally we have The BIG Fives - these are the top five and bottom five rushing and passing defenses among active teams this week. If all else fails, look to these lists before reaching in your pocket for a coin to flip. The teams I've denoted with an asterisk (*) are those whose statistical ranking might be higher or lower than the actual quality of their defense. In other words - don't be too afraid of the Raiders pass defense.

Rushing Defense

1. Cowboys
2. Vikings
3. Chargers
4. Seahawks
5. Steelers

28. Browns
29. Jets
30. Texans
31. Raiders
32. Colts

Passing Defense

1. Raiders*
2. Chargers
3. Colts
4. Chiefs
5. Dolphins

28. Eagles
29. Seahawks*
30. Lions
31. Texans
32. Packers

That's about it for this week folks. Choose wisely and if all else fails blame it on your draft position.