Textual Frustration?

For someone who always had a boyfriend (I’m the girl that goes from one boyfriend to the next)….I can’t believe that I’ve been single for 1 year now. Its crazy…I haven’t been single since I was 17 years old. That’s 11 years ago!!! Being single has been a very liberating experience. It’s like a weight has lifted off my shoulders; I can finally become my own person and not have to worry about this “other” person.

So, in my quest (3 year plan – don’t ask) to find a new boyfriend and potentially a husband, I started to think about how I met each one of my former boyfriends:
First one, I met in high school (lasted 2 years);
The second two, I met in college (lasted 4 to 5 years between the two);
And the last one, I met at a cousin’s wedding (3 to 4 years).

We were all at some common place that pulled us together and eventually turned into a lasting relationship. But ever since my last boyfriend and I broke up a year ago, I struggle to meet quality guys that may actually lead to something more. I find that at the age of 28, I’m still getting “played” by guys.

Not to say I don’t meet guys, but those guys are the random ones I meet at happy hour or during a night out. They seem to think I’m just chatting them up, and then throw one night stand proposals my way (remember I’m in the UK). I just don’t know how or where to meet a quality guy at this age. It seems if you don’t meet your one true love at university, you’re pretty much stuck. You may be lucky to meet “the one” at a bar or at work. But you have to admit, outside of the college world, it’s hard (maybe not impossible) to meet someone.

In the age where technology is all around us, the dating world has definitely changed. It started with video dating, and then it was chatting on Internet chat sites, and now it’s online dating (look at Match.com and Yahoo personals). The ways in which we connect and build relationships with each other have changed drastically from the time when writing love letters was a way to show affection.

But have you ever heard of meeting a guy and then having a relationship over text messages? Well if you think it’s weird, I have to admit it happened to me. Here’s my story.

A few months ago I met a younger guy during a night out with some co-workers. Long story short…I got drunk (figures) and ended up kissing him. I didn’t think too much of it, just felt it was a fun night out. “Happy Times” as I like to say. Apparently, I must have given him my phone number because later that week I received a text message from him telling me he had fun that night. I thought the message was sweet and noticed he ended the message with an “X.” I wasn’t sure what the X meant, but apparently in the UK, just like in the states, it means kisses (they don’t use the Os). And I found out later, if you get more than one X after a text message that means the person is really into you.

So a few weeks go by and I realize that we are texting each other daily. It started off with reminiscing about our night out together to talking about how we wanted to see each other again. We weren’t just texting one liners; we were actually having full conversations with each other. I would spend a few hours a day texting him! By week 2, I started to get double Xs and triple Xs after each line. I also started receiving texts late at night and early in the morning asking how I was doing. I actually started having feelings for this guy and I didn’t even talk to him once on the phone! Was I really having a relationship via text messaging?

I told some of my friends about what was happening and they started asking me questions like “are you textually frustrated?”, “are you getting texted (fed) up?”, “Av, just take it one text at a time!”

After the fourth week (and especially after getting made fun of by my friends), I started to think this was kind of weird. The most I ever used text messaging for in the past was to let someone know I was going to be late. I’m not that knowledgeable about ‘predictive text technology,’ that would enable me to have an efficient, full text conversation with someone. Not to mention, my cell phone bill sky rocketed because I didn’t take into account that I would be texting more than 250 times in a month! I knew this needed to end…not only for the sake of my feelings but also for the sake of my pocket book.

However, before I could end this text messaging fling, I started to notice something. By week 3, he started ending his messages with a XX and then in week 4 ending them with just an X. By the end of week 4, I started to get no X after each text message. After seeing the X’s drop from week to week, I soon realized I was getting broken up with via a text message! Soon I received no text messages at all from him. WTF? Not only did I have a 5 week relationship with a guy over text messages, but I got broken up with by that channel of communication as well! Is this the new ‘post it note’ breakup? All I could ask myself was “is this for real?” Did I actually have feelings for this guy and am I actually really upset that I got broken up with. OMG – I was actually upset.

I’m 28 years old and consider myself to have a good head on my shoulders and sound enough judgment not to get caught up with something that isn’t real. I ’m still having trouble believing that I actually got sucked into this text messaging phenomenon. Is this the new thing? Could you have a real relationship with someone via text messaging? Or are people just getting too lazy to have a normal conversation on the phone or in person? Well whatever it is I know that I am not jumping on this band wagon anymore and if it means calling me old fashion in this day and age…then so be it.

For now, I’m going to stick with conventional mechanisms of communication with a potential guy: via a face to face conversation and/or a simple phone call. Hopefully, I don’t become outdated and will still be able to find a guy to have a real relationship with. No texting allowed!

Off The Top of My Head - Jason - June 7, 2007

A sampling that is perhaps the most "blog-like" of any of our articles, "Off The Top of My Head" is a series of opinion pieces wherein the writers at STH take an opportunity to discuss their take on sports, work, politics, religion, or simply just life as we know it. Use these columns as an opportunity to get to know us. Use them as an opportunity to bash us. One thing you can't use them for is toilet paper...unless you print them out...and that's just sad.

Barry and the Bonds-Haters:

This is a topic that I've visited before, but it's one that's worth re-hashing. I had an opportunity to take in a Giants/Phillies game last weekend with a fellow TalkingHead. Bonds was penciled in as a starter. If I'm finger counting correctly, this is the fourth time I've seen Bonds play - all since the HR outburst started in the early 2000's. It was interesting to note that despite the hatred that 90% of Americans continually spew towards Barry, he undoubtedly has that "it" factor that few other athletes (and even people) possess. In the face of the fans' undying "hatred" for Bonds, camera flashes were popping and the entire ballpark was standing every time he came to the plate. Sure - people booed - but they didn't leave. They can say they were voicing their displeasure - that they were relishing the opportunity to razz him. Seems like alot of effort for a guy you have no interest in watching play.

Oh yeah - the game was sold out.

Iran and the Nukes:

With the news that the 8 G's are meeting in Europe again came more tough talk from the Bush Administration on Iran. The debate about Iran's nuclear energy/weapons capabilities has raged for years, and with each claim out of Tehran that Iran's nuclear science is not quite where they want it to be, there are looks of concern and fear painted firmly on the faces of various world leaders. My question, and my obvious ignorance, on this topic is as follows:

Why aren't they allowed to have nukes?

Seriously. From what I can tell they haven't signed a treaty. Last time I checked, we still have a ton of nukes. I understand that Iranian nuclear weapons can invoke thoughts of danger and fright, but does that fear really engender us with the right to tell a sovereign nation what it can and cannot do? Any wisdom on the topic would be appreciated.

Billy and the Magic:

Absolutely had to touch on this one. The sporting world has been on fire the last few days regarding Billy Donovan's decision to leave Florida for the NBA's Magic (the team, not the former player). Shockingly, the news of Donovan's departure from Florida was followed by news of an even more unexpected event - his return.
In the days that have followed Donovan's decis...er...indecision, members of the national sports media have been lambasting him for "going back on his word," "backing out on a contract," and generally being a wussy girly man. Call me what you will (like a wussy girly man), but I'm not really offended by Donovan's wavering. Despite the manly maxims about sticktuitiveness, keeping your word, etc., I think it is refreshing for a prominent name in sports to confess when he made a mistake, and work to correct that wrong before it is too late. Honestly - how many of us have been in Donovan's situation and simply went through with the option we didn't really want because we thought it was too late to turn back. Isn't it better to make the decision that is right for your? Don't you want to have that opportunity? I say we should cut the guy a break.

Hate-Rod and the Unwritten Rules of Baseball:

Speaking of universally hated girly men - is this guy on a mission to become unlikeable? Somewhere along the progression of his slap fight with Varitek, his slapping the ball out of Arroyo's glove, his ridiculous contract, and his constant obsession with making stupid comments to reporters, Alex Rodriguez went from being the next Ken Griffey Jr. to being one of the most hated players in the game. Not surprisingly, the public wasn't itching to jump to his support during this most recent "I've got it" gaffe. While I try not to jump to conclusions, I must admit it is disheartening that it is Rodriguez, not the aforementioned Griffey, who will have a legitimate shot at breaking what will soon be Big Barry's career HR record. Speaking of steroids - A-Rod is certainly looking alot bigger these days than he was when he played in Seattle...

Sheffield's Foot and His Mouth:

In an interview that was surprisingly under-reported, Gary Sheffield recently pontificated on race theory according to Gary - the results were interesting...to say the least. It's hard to decide which is more surprising - that Sheffield still has stupid things left to say or that he's always surprised when his comments are "misinterpreted." Perhaps CNN could slide him in as one of the 42 candidates in the Republican or Democratic debates they have been televising - talk about your automatic sound bites...


That's it for today folks - feel free to add. Let us know what's on your mind...

To Believe?

We all have dreams that fairy tales can come true if you just believe. Believe in what? People tell me all the time… “Av, put yourself out there. The reason why you are single is because you don’t make an effort to find anyone.” I want to ask Why? Why should I put myself out there? To be rejected? I spent the first 23 years of my life putting myself out there. Yes, I had more confidence then…I was cute then and had a lot going for me. Now, well I guess the confidence has gone and I wouldn’t dare take a chance on telling a guy I was interested. And why should I? I’m looking for someone that frankly has the balls to tell me that he’s interested in me. Am I just around too many shy guys or is the message out there that “he’s just not that into you.” Well whatever it is…I’m sick of looking…I’m sick of hoping…and I’m sick of believing that there is one person for everyone. Should I become comfortable with fact that I’ll be alone forever?

Well the truth is I don’t want to be alone. I want to believe in fairy tales. I want to believe that there is a perfect man for this imperfect woman. Why not? If we don’t have hope, what’s the whole point of life? We need hope to move us forward…we need faith to help us get through the tough times. We need to believe that if you do wish upon a star, all your dreams can come true…even if your dream is to find the perfect man.

Notes from the author: As I’m on a two year adventure in the UK, I would like to share my thoughts, experiences, and my reflections of my life in this ongoing column that I would like to call the “The Wandering I.” Please come back and read my stories about relationships, culture, and self discovery.

Correction Needed?

Investors were shocked after today's 140 point retreat of the Dow Jones industrial average. Following today's pullback, many investors are starting to wonder if the real pullback has finally begun.

Over the past month stocks have been in full rally mode. The Dow Jones Industrial Average (DJIA) has surged to an all-time high and a strong earnings season has propelled most stocks and mutual funds out of this orbit. But was all of the good news we received as of late all it was cracked up to be? Or where investors really caught in a hoax that slightly mirrored the late 1990 tech bubble?

Consumer spending is down and the retail markets are in shambles. Our deficit is the highest its ever been. We are in the middle of a three year war with no exit strategy. The housing bubble is on the brink of disaster. There is a question mark surrounding politics with our ally to the East. A deficit could be looming. All of these thoughts bring up one question you might want to start considering...should you be investing?

Now I'm not saying the end of the US Financial markets is near or that you need to pull everything out of the market right now! My financial background can assure you that I am a true proponent of long term investing and the buy and hold strategy. Therefore, if you are currently investing in a 401k or an Individual Retirement Account and are years away from retirement, you might as well skip the rest of this piece and check out some of the other great articles we have to offer. However, if you are playing around in the stock market or are a short-term trader who is thinking about using your assets in a year or less, you might want to listen up.

Historically the summer stock market months are ones you want to stay away from. Why is this you ask? After raping you all year round on high commissions and every type of sales load you can imagine, your friendly neighborhood broker (no, not spiderman) is off vacationing with his family and counting your hard earned money. Therefore, you will usually see the stock market begin to trail off starting in May and restarting its engine towards the end of the calendar year. This year, there are plenty of analysts who seem to think otherwise. My thinking however is you might want to be overly cautious. Sure, nobody wants to miss out on the next Google or the next Microsoft, but if you need your hard earned cash in the next year or so you may want to reconsider. What are your thoughts if you lose 10% of your down payment on your families dream house, or lose 15% of little Johnny's college education? With short-term interest rates at 5% you can easily stash your hard earned cash away for some quick and easy money. Sure its not as exciting as hitting a four bagger, but its not nearly as risky either. If you are investing for the short term you may want to check out Vanguard's Prime Money Market Portfolio which is currently yielding 5.11%. That's not too shabby for doing absolutely nothing and knowing your money will be there when you need it next.

Remember in the stock market you don't want to be a chaser. The stock market is clearly built on emotions, and when everyone starts making easy money, you may want to reevaluate. People who play in the stock market usually end up getting burned. The funny thing is, the guy in the cubicle next to you will only tell you about the time he hit one out of the park.

Best of Luck,

Pikes

Off the Top of My Head - Pischl

Following close on the heels of yesterday's rants by my good friend Jason, I feel it's only fair that I let out a few of my own rants.

Bonds Away
It is only a matter of time before everyone's favorite villian steps to the dish with 754 career homeruns. His name is Bonds - Barry Bonds. He's the greatest player to play the game during my 26 year lifetime. Yet, I can't help but feel undeniable spite for Barry during his chase of such a hallowed record.

I'll admit it. My dislike for the man who wears a hat 7 times the size of my waste goes way back. He was part of the Pittsburgh Pirates' teams that pounded on my Phillies relentlessly back in the late 80s and early 90s. In 1993, Bonds somehow managed to wriggle yet another MVP award from my favorite players grasp. That's right, I haven't forgotten about Lenny Dykstra getting shafted just so Bonds could get more fuel for his seemlessly insatiable ego (ironically, Dykstra is also an alleged steriod user).

After this, Barry moved out west and I honestly forgot about him for some time. That was until he got jealous of all the attention being given to McGwire and Sosa. No longer would Bonds be the skinny, scrawny all-around threat he built his early career upon, he would become the real life version of the Incredible Hulk...minus all the green. If that's what it took Barry to be happy, so be it. On the other hand, I'm not too happy about it.

Bonds is walking a very fine line here. Baseball is supposed to be America's game. It is meant to be a reflection of everything we believe to be true about America. There are unwritten rules, morals and dreams that enrapture the game and it's history in the same way that we get caught up in our own ways, means and beliefs. We don't like when these things get shattered, altered or cheated.

If Barry really is completely sure that he did not cheat his way to the one of the most storied records in baseball, then I am all for him hitting number 756. But if Bonds has knowingly cheated in any way, then it is time for him to walk away now. Leave the game and leave our minds with memories of Barry having the dignity and grace to show respect for not only the game and those who played it fairly, but also for all the reflections of the game and this country. This is not about media portrayal, demeanor, race, religion or what he had for breakfast. This is about unwritten rules, morals and dreams which underlie everything the people in this country believe in.

I want to remember Barry as the most talented baseball player I've ever seen play the game. But right now, I find it hard to remember his speed, his defense and his passion for the game. Barry was the greatest and we should remember him as such without losing hope in everything we believe in.

It's simple for Barry. Stare dead into the camera and make us all believe once again in the purity and majestic nature of America's game. The other option is to take one last intentional walk and leave the game behind.

Z is for Zabransky
The most shocking moment in last month's NFL draft was not the free fall of Brady Quinn or the Eagles selection of Kevin Kolb. The most shocking moment was the 32 NFL teams passing on Jared Zabransky.

Perhaps I'm a little jaded by the fact that "Z" ranks among my favorite college players of all-time. But how can you not love this guy? How does he not get the respect of being drafted after a tremendous college career? Why doesn't any NFL team have blue turf?

In all seriousness, Zabransky is the kind of football player teams love. He's tough and cocky. He doesn't fold under pressure or wilt after a mistake (Did all the scouts miss the Fiesta Bowl?). Zabransky led his team to an undefeated season. He completed 66% of his passes as a senior with 23 TDs and 8 INTs (half his INT total from his junior campaign). He's smart and mobile. He was the third fastest player on the entire Bronco squad. I just don't get how all of that gets over looked.

Kudos to EA Sports for making him the cover boy for their best sports franchise. Gamers who pick up College Football 2008 will have to stare at Zabransky every time they pick up the game. Furthermore, we have chocolate covered Kudos to give the Houston Texans for signing him as an undrafted free agent. I have no doubt he'll be on the squad for years to come. I will also order his jersey as soon as possible because my Boise State one is looking a little ragged after 2 years of use. I hope Matt Schaub bites the big one and Zabransky takes over and turns the woe-be-gone Texans into one of the best franchises in the NFL. It may sound crazy, but I fully believe it will happen.

He'll be the greatest story since Tom Brady; which would only make me about the giddiest M-Fer in all the land. It's no secret that Tom Brady's story is old and needs to be replaced. It's also no secrect that I don't think we should care about Brady anymore. No one will care about a sixth round pick from one of college football's most storied programs when they hear about the undrafted free agent from a school in Idaho who just wouldn't stop shocking the world.

It's only a matter of time before Journey's song about a small-town boy becomes the theme song for a quarterback who's a whole lot more than just a one-hit wonder.

Off The Top of My Head - Jason - May 8, 2007

A sampling that is perhaps the most "blog-like" of any of our articles, "Off The Top of My Head" is a series of opinion pieces wherein the writers at STH take an opportunity to discuss their take on sports, work, politics, religion, or simply just life as we know it. Use these columns as an opportunity to get to know us. Use them as an opportunity to bash us. One thing you can't use them for is toilet paper...unless you print them out...and that's just sad.

Barry Lamar Bonds:

Given the seething nationwide hatred for Mr. Balco, it's probably about time we start referring to him by three names, an honor usually reserved for assassins and stuffy British guys. The past week has seen a non-stop avalanche of Bonds related talk. "Will you be happy if Barry breaks the record?" "Is Barry a hall of famer?" "Did you know that Barry is black?" Regardless of the question - the answer is simple...we hate Barry! He's a cheater, a jerk, an arrogant bastard, and he has a large head...literally.

Unfortunately, somewhere amongst my months of media driven Bonds-hating training I seem to have lost my way. I don't really care if he breaks the record - and I don't really hate him. The daily slams against Bonds actually seem to be getting a bit one-sided in my mind. Where was this outrage when Shawn Merriman got busted? Why doesn't anyone accuse Roger Clemens of playing a little too well a little too late in life? Why is it so easy for us to abhor the steroid abuse of athletes when we are a society of addicts who can't go to sleep or have sex without first downing a mouthful of pills?

The saddest part of the Bonds scenario is the amazing athlete that we have all forgotten. "Little Bonds", as I fondly remember him, was a multi-time MVP in his own right, a threat in every aspect of the game who rarely missed a start and was a terror both at the plate and on the base paths. A certain first ballot hall of famer before he hit 73 homeruns, Barry will now have to spend his life wondering how breaking records made him a lesser athlete in the eyes of many. At least he's easy to hate.

Roger Clemens & Bret Favre:

Speaking of old men who need to retire, is anybody else getting sick of this song and dance? "I'm not coming back...no wait...I am." "I'll be back at mid-season." "I can't believe this team doesn't want to hinge their future on an aging veteran in the twilight of his prime!" While the talent and accomplishments of both Favre and Clemens are unquestioned, their sense of reality at the tail end of their careers seems to have become warped.

Can you imagine behaving in this manner at your job? Is there even a modern workplace equivalent? Imagine an employee who drafts a lengthy letter of resignation, attends his/her own going away party, then shows up at 11am on Thursday of the next week and resumes his/her job as usual...only to do the same thing again two weeks later. Would anyone talk to that employee after the second or third fake departure? Would you?

Though most of us would probably grow tired of this behavior if Bret from accounting were the perpetrator instead of Bret from the Packers, but sports fans seem reluctant to call out their heroes when said heroes refuse to attend training camp and show up halfway through the season (physically or mentally) with the stated mission of "winning the title". Perhaps I'm being naive, but wouldn't the concept of "team" be vastly improved if all the players showed up at the beginning of the season?

Transformers:

Is anyone else totally geeked about the release of the Transformers movie? Despite the excitement, I can't help but maintain an underlying concern that the final product will not meet what I admit are my ridiculously high expectations. Capturing the true beauty of the vehicle tranformation process that takes place just prior to Optimus Prime's tagline of "Autobots - Roll Out!" has to rank as one of the hardest tasks in cinematic history. While the previews have left a little to be desired in the way of overall appearance, I'll probably just be happy to hear the trademark series of whistles and chirps that signify the tell tale activity of a Transformer. Transformers hits Theatres in July.

In the meantime...did anybody see Spiderman?

That's it for today folks - feel free to add. Let us know what's on your mind.

What is Racism Anyway?

Call him an idiot or a buffoon…either one should work. One thing we can all take away from the latest race scandal in the U.S. is Don Imus can’t dance. Now before you think I’m trying to put down the smooth 66 year-old's dance moves, my opinion is based solely on Don Imus dancing around the topic of his racist remarks. Mr. Imus claims he isn’t a racist, but should we honestly believe him?

Did we believe Michael Richards a few short months ago when he apologized on Reverand Al Sharpton’s radio program? Why is it that every white male in America who makes a racist remark feels that they have to go on Sharpton’s show to apologize to the black community? Isn’t Al Sharpton one of the biggest racists of them all?

Now before our lovely readers think this TalkingHead is picking a side in what seems like the never-ending race war, I will be the first to admit that the comments Mr. Imus made were completely inappropriate and idiotic. However, Monday’s nonsense on the Al Sharpton show was a total disgrace to everyone in the U.S - not just the white and black communities.

Does anyone remember back in 1987 when Al Sharpton criticized and practically destroyed the career of a white New York prosecutor named Steven Pagones? Back then, Rev. Sharpton called Pagones a “racist and a rapist,” among several other accusations. Sharpton became an overnight media sensation when a young black female named Tawana Brawley accused several white men of holding her hostage and repeatedly raping her. The final result was that the Tawana Brawley case was deemed a complete hoax - it became a blackeye on Sharpton’s permanent record. Did Mr. Sharpton ever apologize for using the race card on Steven Pagones and almost destroying his entire career? Not once.

On Monday, Al Sharpton called Don Imus a racist and told him that he should resign from his position permanently. Don Imus was brilliant (not really) enough to open his mouth and say, “I can’t win with you people,” which infuriated the good Reverend even more. Imus even went as far as to say, "I bet I've slept in a house with more black children then you ever have," referring to his ranch for children with cancer. Once again, Mr. Imus shows us his intelligence (or lack thereof) and probably should resign after his inappropriate comments about the Rutgers women’s basketball team. His past history of racist remarks should have had him canned several years ago anyway.

Don Imus should have apologized in a forum that doesn’t make a mockery of a problem in America that will never go away. Also, believe me when I say that Al Sharpton is no angel in the sky. It’s extremely easy to criticize someone when it comes to race. In this case though, maybe an apology is needed from both sides of the spectrum.

In The News - April 10, 2007...

While we've never been accused of taking ourselves too seriously here at STH, it is sometimes appropriate to take a step back, gain some perspective, and give an honest assessment of life's important events. This is not one of those times. Here's a quick take on recent happenings around the globe - the intent is one of humor, but as always, take from it what you will.

- IN THE NEWS -

Watch Out NASCAR...

In perhaps one of the most important news stories of the year, a group estimated to be in the hundreds took to world renowned Lombard Street in San Francisco on Sunday for a race of epic proportions. The participants were all consenting adults - their vehicles of choice were Big Wheels. Yes...those Big Wheels.

***Author's Note*** Was there ever a greater toy for a child? Big Wheels were the beer muscles of our youth - once you hit the cockpit of your G.I. Joe Cruiser, nobody could stand in your way and you knew that you could do anything you put your mind to (except for peddling up a steep hill, as the plastic tires would just spin incessantly). An afternoon of Big Wheeling led to a sense of accomplishment and satisfaction that no Camry or Accord could rival today. Who knew it would be all downhill from age 4?

Follow That Cab!

From the files of "great ideas that got old very quickly", a Queens, New York couple has negotiated a flat fare with a cabbie to drive them to not so nearby Sedona...Arizona. The couple, who apparently can't drive themselves and have somehow trudged through life oblivious to the concept of "air travel", will pay the "lucky" taxi driver $3000 to make the round trip journey. No word on how many mixed cd's the couple has burned for the trip - the over/under for the first "oh shit - this was a bad idea!" moment is 5 and 1/2 hours.

It was THIS BIG...

In an unfortunate instance of irony, fisherman in Alaska reeled in a 90 year old rockfish that may have been one of the oldest creatures in the region - at least until they killed it. The whopping sea creature - which will immediately be made into 5000 fish sticks - was 44 inches long and tipped the scales at nearly 60 pounds. Officials are working to confirm - but they're pretty sure the creature was originally won at a carnival.

Not Your Grandfather's Video Game?

Apparently satisfied that no child over the age of 5 will ever go outside again, video game maker Nintendo is now targeting an equally vulnerable population - the elderly. As CNN.com reports, Nintendo's Wii gaming system has been catching on with retirement communities throughout the country. Wii's interactive technology allows the elderly participants an opportunity to "exercise" without risking the injuries generally associated with more dangerous activities such as "actually moving" and "seeing the sunlight". [Insert your own mental image of the elderly playing Wii - or just keep it to yourself and enjoy it for the day]

In related news, the former Nintendo employee who designed both "The Power Glove" and "The Power Pad" is desperately searching for a tall building to leap from.

"And My Skin Didn't Even Wrinkle..."

Even as we Americans get fatter and lazier, 52 year-old Slovenian Martin Strel has once again broken his own world record for distance swimming - this time by swimming nearly the entire length of the Amazon River (you probably already knew - but that is 3,272 miles). Strel completed his incredible journey despite bouts with Piranhas and an apparent onset of the runs. Strel explained as he emerged from the water that he swam the river not because "it was there", but because "chicks dig Piranha bites." For our elderly readers, we'll try to keep you posted on the release date for "Nintendo Wii - Swim the Amazon".

Darfur: What the Hell is Going on There?

"If you can't explain it simply, you don't understand it well enough."

- Albert Einstein

Start with the punch line and draw them in?…nah.

Lead with a flourish, then build to a crescendo?…not quite.

Keep it simple stupid?

Somewhere amongst the endless supply of writers’ handbooks, there lies the perfect antidote for nearly every literary conundrum. Writer’s block?...just start typing. Can’t decide where to start?...work backwards from the end. Spilled water on your keyboard?...unplug your computer – then freak out. Absent from these life-saving guides is the solution to a problem that most of us encounter more often than we’d like to admit – how do we explain that which we don’t completely understand? More aptly – why should we even try?

The ongoing crisis in Darfur is a situation that is at once simply tragic and tragically complicated. Can it be explained away in one article? No. Am I the one to be doing the explaining? Probably not. Fortunately, as Einstein surmised, sometimes simplicity is a powerful common denominator. It is in that vein that I will attempt to explain to you what I have learned about Darfur – as simply as possible. Along the way I’m likely to make mistakes – please don’t hesitate to correct me. It’s not likely that you, or I, will ever fully understand the nature of this crisis – it is important that we try.

Understanding Darfur has to go deeper than a George Clooney commercial or a summer benefit concert. To truly understand, we have to address the questions that many of us quietly ask ourselves when we hear that thousands of people are dying in a far-off place. The questions might sound a little something like this: “What The Hell is Going on There?”....“Ok – So Why Should I Care?”...and…hopefully…“What Can Be Done To Help?”

Glad you asked…

What The Hell is Going on There?

Darfur is a region in the western portion of Sudan, a place that you might have heard your kids refer to as “the largest country in Africa.” Though the Nile River meanders through eastern and to a lesser extent central Sudan, Darfur and other regions in western Sudan are sans-waterfront property. As you may have surmised, living in central Africa with no local body of water is a shitty way to go through life. Vegetation is sparse, the soil is dry and arid, and your only genuine hope for a comfortable existence comes from up above – in the form of rain clouds. Unfortunately for Darfur locals, the rain clouds disbanded in the mid-1980’s and they’ve yet to return for a reunion tour. Quality of life in the region has nosedived - those with the ability to do so have migrated east. Darfur has become the wasteland of western Sudan (picture the worst place you can think of in America and multiply exponentially).


In a testament to their fortitude and perseverance, some Sudanese have continued to call Darfur home – by the millions. To segregate for the purposes of explanation, the remaining Sudanese in Darfur consist of two separate (and entirely unfriendly) groups: farmers and herders. Unfortunately, these groups find differences not only in their means of obtaining food, but also in their ethnic origins – the herders are descended from Arab ancestors while the farmers generally pay homage to black-African heritage. When famine hit due to lack of rain in the mid 1980’s, the farmers began to consume more land, cutting off traditional migration routes from the herders and leaving them uniformly pissed off.

Further adding flame to this long-standing fire is the instability of the Sudanese government itself. Mired in what appears to be an ongoing civil war with continued uprisings in the south, the government essentially turned a blind eye to Darfur in the 1990’s and into the new millennium. During the uprisings, an Arab-influenced government took power, a development that no doubt added to the lack of concern for the predominantly non-Arab Darfur.

By the early 2000’s, the uprisings against the government in southern Sudan were beginning to spread North, into areas like Darfur. Non-Arabs in Darfur, fed up with the underdevelopment and political marginalization of their homeland, began to organize into rebel groups. In February 2003, one of these rebel groups (the Darfur Liberation Front – DLF) began organized attacks against Sudanese government outposts, embarrassing the Sudanese government by exposing what appeared to be military weakness. In response to the rebel attacks in Darfur, the Sudanese government began increased efforts to arm a group of local militia-men called the Janjaweed. The Janjaweed are Arab descendants of herders and they had a bit of an axe to grind with the non-Arabs in Darfur.

What happens next depends on who is telling the story. The Sudanese government claims that a local conflict or “civil war” has erupted between different sects in the Darfur region. The government downplays the body counts and refers to the conflict as “controlled.” In contrast, the United States has gone on record to state that since 2003 there has been an ongoing genocide in Darfur. The U.S. version of the story (that many outside Sudan agree with) is that the Janjaweed have become an uncontrolled group of mercenaries who, instead of targeting members of specific rebel groups, have instead lashed out against every day citizens in Darfur – so long as they are non-Arab. The result is that an estimated 400,000 people have been killed in Darfur in less than 4 years – with in excess of 2 million being displaced from their villages and homes (which have been burned to the ground). The Janjaweed pursued the fleeing villagers to the Western border of Sudan and into Chad, where refugee camps the size of small cities have sprung up. Lack of food, water and necessities constitute the general standard of living.

Perhaps most troubling in this time of turmoil are the reports from Darfur refugees about how the attacks on their villages were carried out. The Janjaweed are largely unsophisticated in their warfare techniques – many travel via horseback and while they now have automatic weapons and some explosives (thanks to the Sudanese government), they do not make use of heavily armored military vehicles or more advanced fighting technology. Contrasting the unsophisticated weaponry of the Janjaweed are the reports of villagers who have survived the attacks in Darfur. A number of these survivors have indicated that their villages were showered with “bombs from above,” an event that suggests not only an aerial assault, but an assault carried out by the Sudanese government. The horrifying possibility is that the Sudanese military was attacking its own people in Darfur. Unfortunately, the conditions in Darfur and the inhabitability of the region have made it difficult to establish proof of these alleged air raids.


Regardless of specifics, the situation in Darfur is dire. International response has been mixed. The U.S. has termed the conflict a genocide, but has limited avenues for which to pursue relief (as well as limited interests in the region – an article for another day). The United Nations has stopped short of using the term genocide, but has stated that “crimes of war” are taking place. In the face of this damning situation, the Sudanese government has been strongly resistant to outside help – stating that any concentrated outside intervention into Darfur would be treated as an invading army.

In January 2007, the government and several of the non-Arab rebel groups signed a cease-fire – peace lasted mere weeks before another attack took place. The current approach by outside nations to the Darfur “conflict” is to send aid to the refugees in Chad and Darfur, and attempt to foster continued peace talks between the government and the rebels. The ongoing suffering in the refugee camps constitutes the only images that you MAY have seen on TV – the suffering of the dead has been mostly forgotten. As we march further into 2007, there has been no end to the tragedy in Darfur and there is an apparent international apathy (particularly in the U.S.) that the tragedy has continued.


And so the cycle comes full circle. Einstein said to keep it simple, but we have digressed into a discussion of farmers, herders, and Janjaweed. Can't we simplify this complicated situation? Can't we just call it what we intuitively see it as? Isn’t it really just conflict and suffering in a far away place that we don’t really identify with or care about? I’ll tackle that question in Part 2 of this series but for now I’ll leave you with this thought…

In December 2004, a tsunami killed in excess of 200,000 people along coastal areas of the Indian Ocean. International response was swift and powerful. Telethons, charity concerts and lemonade stands came to the aid of those in need as the rebuilding efforts began. In the months preceding and 2 years subsequent to that tsunami, in excess of 400,000 people have been killed in Darfur, yet the telethons are few and far between and the lemonade stands are non-existent. The people of Darfur have long yearned for a local water source or continued supply of rain – perhaps they should have just prayed for a tsunami.

For Next Time: Part 2 – Why Should We Care?

Can We Be Pragmatic in the War on Drugs?

It's time to elect a new mayor here in Philadelphia, and not a day goes by without at least one candidate proposing some dynamic new policy that is sure to wipe out all social ills in one fell swoop. The strategies range from improbable (a steep toll for all cars entering Center City during peak hours) to ethically questionable (random pat downs in traditionally crime-ridden neighborhoods), but all of them are espoused in hopes of rallying the voting public and propelling the candidate into office. They are often borrowed from successful operations in other cities, but all usually make their appeal by an apparent effort to "get tough" on something. Pragmatism has never tested well in the polls; therefore no one should be surprised if the words "safe injection sites" never reach the public ear.

What is a safe injection site? U.S. residents not intimately involved with the harm reduction movement may have never heard of such a thing, but the concept is just one of many ideas centered on reducing the spread of HIV/AIDS and other diseases related to drug use. Safe injection sites are essentially government provided health facilities for intravenous drug users to inject drugs (purchased elsewhere) in a safe space under the supervision of trained professional staff. It is not an easy thing to accept, tax dollars enabling drug use (and I hope readers feel free to post thoughts, whether incensed or inspired by the idea, in the comments section), but as time passes, it is becoming more and more apparent that our country's drug problem isn't going away. The substances may change with the decade and the social class, but addiction is something that crosses all political and socioeconomic lines, from Brittany in rehab to the guy sleeping on my stoop. Until we find the cure-all that completely erases this element from society, it behooves us to treat the public health issues that it imposes. This is where these sites come in to effect. Clean needles help to prevent spread of HIV, Hepatitis C, and other diseases, protecting not only the user, but also the people that they come in contact with. Staff are given instruction on dealing with preventing overdose during use, potentially saving thousands of lives, not to mention (if you prefer to think about it economically) the millions of dollars in emergency care that are associated with overdoses.

The worth of such services are obvious when viewed from the perspective of those who use or are directly affected by the use of intravenous drugs; however, the issue is clearly much more complex than that. The United Nations recently gave warning denouncing state sponsored facilities in Canada (as well as those located in Australia, Germany, Luxembourg, the Netherlands, Norway, Spain, and Switzerland) stating that Canada is “encouraging illicit trafficking.” This is the obvious case against such practice, and there is a widely held fear of an influx of "undesirables" and, accordingly, crime to the immediate surrounding areas. It is reasonable to think that even if a city was in favor of safe injection on the whole, it would be nearly impossible to find a neighborhood that wouldn't actively oppose setting it up in their back yard.

This was certainly the case in Vancouver, B.C. prior to 2003. The city's Downtown Eastside has long been known as an area struggling to deal the presence of a large number of illicit drug users. As the problem grew, businesses in the area found fewer and fewer consumers willing to enter an area with such an openly visible drug culture. The documentary Fix: The Story of an Addicted City chronicles the fight to win the support of lawmakers and neighborhood groups to bring North America's first safe injection site to the city. Despite fierce opposition, an advocacy group made up of users and their allies was eventually able to convert a former retail space into a facility, called Insite, under an exemption of Canada's controlled substance laws.

Now, three years after its inception, Canadian officials are assessing the program's impact on the estimated 5,000 neighborhood users and the surrounding community. Research by the Vancouver Coastal Health Authority (more details can be seen here) found that the program not only took drug use off the street to the tune of 600 visits per day, but it also made it safer for the users, increased enrollment in treatment plans, and had no effect on relapse rates by former users. 456 overdoses resulted in zero fatalities. Hard numbers are difficult to produce regarding any change in the rate of blood-borne illnesses, but participants were practicing safe injection in the facility and being educated about the dangers of sharing needles in the street. Criminologists hired by the government have been quoted as saying that none of the fears voiced by the community regarding legal injection have been realized. Is this not progress?

Despite the positive health outcomes associated with the programing, widespread growth remains nonexistent. The U.N.'s scolding comes at a time when funds for Insite and other similar initiatives have been threatened to be cut. There are obvious social and political roadblocks that prevent more cities from adopting such measures, but should communities be forced to hit rock bottom before offering some solution that takes the problem for what it is? The other plans that call for more guns and more cops are going unheard in areas that can afford neither. Those that can afford to sweep drug use into the jails must remember that once an inmate is released, prison health becomes public health. Enormous steps have been taken in the fight against AIDS, but how often do we hear about the more than 4 million cases caused by unsafe injection? Across the nation, needle exchange programs are becoming more common and acceptable; safe injection sites take the next logical step to ensuring a safe environment for a very real and largely ignored portion of society.

Big city mayors, like the one who will soon take over City Hall here in Philadelphia, are in a unique position to implement cutting edge techniques where they are needed most. Concerning illicit drug use, safe injection sites may or may not be the answer, but the safety of the public warrants innovation in all areas. Let's hope that we have the presence of mind to seize ideas, no matter how personally unsettling they may be, when they present themselves.

The opinions preceeding belong solely to Beej. STH has no standard drug policy or position.

STH Story Time...

We're all about continuing to push the envelope here at STH. In an effort to involve you, our readers, or at least just to have some fun amongst ourselves, this week will mark the first (and possibly only?) installment of STH Story Time. The concept is simple. I'll get the ball rolling - the rest is up to you. As always, everything is printed in good fun and we take no responsibility for any animals harmed nor hearts broken during the telling of this story.

I awoke to the unmistakable sensation of a warm moist tongue running over my skin. My sheets were on the floor again - and there was Sebastian trying to chew my toes off. For a dog that Julie dropped off for a "one night stay" who was supposed to be "no trouble at all," Sebastian was certainly making quite an effort towards wearing out his welcome. Though I considered admonishing this rambunctious 1-year-old Golden Retriever on the finer points of morning etiquette, I realized that his interest was waning...and this was not the morning for lectures. Following a rewarding bowl of Cocoa Puffs and one last glance toward Katie Couric, I gathered what wits I had left and slipped out the door into the chilly autumn morning.

As I strolled down the sidewalk to the bus stop, I checked my duffel bag one last time. Cell phone...check. Bottle of water...check. Crossword puzzle...check. Wallet... Machete... Seeing that all was in order, I slouched into a seat near the back of the bus, realizing for the first time that Sebastian had been strangely quiet this morning. Perhaps he was bored with me already. Perhaps he realized the patent absurdity of a talking dog in the eyes of the "civilized" world. More likely, I'd like to think he knew that no lecture, however impassioned, was going to distract me from doing what I needed to do today...

In The News - February 26, 2007...

While we've never been accused of taking ourselves too seriously here at STH, it is sometimes appropriate to take a step back, gain some perspective, and give an honest assessment of life's important events. This is not one of those times. Here's a quick take on recent happenings around the globe - the intent is one of humor, but as always, take from it what you will.

- IN THE NEWS -

The Forever Stamp...

In an apparent attempt to generate activity in the all important pen-pal market, the United States Postal Service is toying with the idea of implementing a Forever Stamp. Though the name calls to mind a marking you might give your girlfriend in place of an engagement ring, the idea is that the stamps would be bought in bulk with the expectation that the cost of using snail mail will continue to rise. For those who didn't already leave in a rush to the local Post Office, wouldn't you much rather see the return of the Pony Express? That I would pay for.

Crash Test Dummies...

In an brazen attempt to elude local traffic cops, a suburban New Yorker has been driving in the HOV Lane of the Long Island Expressway with a fully clothed dummy as his only passenger. After accepting his $90 ticket, word has it this law breaking scoundrel gave in to his passenger's nagging and promptly drove full speed into a concrete wall.

"Has Your Dog Been Digging In My Yard Again?"...

From the HOLY SHIT! files, a ginormous sinkhole opened in a residential area of Guatemala City on Friday. The hole is estimated to be over 330 feet deep. Unfortunately, hundreds of people were displaced when the ground gave way and at least two were killed. Perhaps I missed this day in high school science, but how exactly does a 300 foot sinkhole appear on a whim? Could you think of a more scary sight appearing in your neighborhood? Was Anna Nichole Smith really more interesting/important than this event? Thoughts and prayers to those affected by this crazy happening - perhaps people will eventually realize that Al Gore is on to something.

F*** You "World Hunger Crisis"...

A Clearfield, Pennsylvania restaurant made all Pennsylvanians proud this week when they added a 120+ pound burger to the menu. You can read all the gluttonous details, but suffice it to say that a 120 pound burger is just as disgusting as it sounds. Here's hoping the Pennsylvania legislature can think of a worthy fine to pass against the schmucks who throw down $379 to consume this mess. No word on the price for foot long french fries.

"What You Mean I Can't Marry Her? She's My Sister!"

In more embarrassing news for Pennsylvanians, it has been brought to the attention of STH that there is a recent trend sweeping the nation (read: NASCAR nation) that involves fake testicles and truck hitches. Yeah - I scoffed too, but a Google search reveals this rumor is all too true. Thankfully, lawmakers in Maryland aren't going to sit back and take it, as a movement is afoot to grab these truck accessory aficionados by the...well...you know. Godspeed Maryland - we've got your back.

Calling all Pigs

The Chinese New Year is one of those holidays when for a day we borrow the identity of another culture (unless of course you are Chinese). St. Patrick’s Day and Cinco de Mayo are other examples of when we mask our true heritage and honor others by imbibing in copious amounts of whiskey and tequila (or maybe that’s just me). But just as one should know that St. Patrick cast the snakes out of Ireland, or that Mexico defeated the French at Puebla, one should also know what Chinese New Year is (before drinking too much tea). As one might suspect, it is celebrating the start of a new year according to the Chinese calendar, as opposed to the Gregorian one most of us use. It begins with the second new moon (this is why it typically falls in February) and ends 15 days later when the second full moon has risen. This 2 week period is known in China as the Spring Festival. It begins with the New Year and ends with the Lantern Festival (also called Little New Year). It is a time for people to honor their ancestors and celebrate with family. This is accomplished through eating auspicious foods, such as dumplings and rice cakes, lighting firecrackers, giving money wrapped in red, and watching the dragon/lion dance.

According to the Chinese calendar, the current year is 4705 – the year of the Pig, or Boar. If you were born in 1935, 1947, 1959, 1971, 1983, 1995, or 2007, then you are a Pig. Guys, when used in this context, this is not a bad thing. Characteristically speaking, pigs tend to be chivalrous, pure, and selfless. You are honest, tolerant, loyal, and tend to keep friends for life. You are non-confrontational and stubbornly optimistic. Therefore, you are also naïve and easily taken advantage of. You have a voracious appetite for reading, and although are a bit reserved, will talk ad neauseum if the subject is of great interest. You are also polite and always aim to please.

In addition to the pig there are 11 other animals that help complete the Chinese zodiac. You are probably familiar with these if you have ever perused the place mat at your local Chinese restaurant. There are numerous stories as to how the 12 animals were selected for the circle. One tells of a tournament held to determine all the animals’ skills and abilities. The top finishers were chosen for the zodiac. Another recounts how all the animals were asked to cross the river. The rat finished first. The pig last. Yet another talks of the emperor asking his advisor’s to show him the 12 greatest animals on the planet. After showing him only 11, the emperor became enraged and ordered the men to immediately find a twelfth. The first animal spotted just happened to be a farmer's pig. Whatever story you have heard, below are the animals listed in order. I have also added the birth year and some personal characteristics of these animals, or rather people. By now you’re probably thinking this information is good for little more than cocktail parties. But let me share a little secret with you. It also comes in handy with the ladies. After all, chicks love astrology. Example: Have you ever asked a girl her birthday, and in turn she asks yours? Then she comments that you must be an Aries and she too is a fire sign. Adding that you two would totally get along because you are both creative and caring and blah blah blah etc. You can thank me later. In the meantime, read on and see if you discover anything new about yourself. If you’re lucky, next time I’ll explain how to identify your compatible Chinese sign.

Rat (’60,’72, ’84) hardworking, ambitious, perfectionists, loving
Ox (’61, ‘73’ ’85) calm, patient, eloquent speakers, hot-tempered
Tiger (’62, ’74, ’86) free-spirited, indecisive, authoritative, suspicious of others
Rabbit (’63, ’75, ’87) cautious, reserved, gentle, fashionable
Dragon (’64, ’76) energetic, confident, sensitive, honest
Snake (’65, ’77) quiet, pensive, passionate, attractive
Horse (’66, ’78) charismatic, cheerful, self-reliant, adventurous
Sheep (’67, ’79) creative, shy, charming, practical
Monkey (’68, ’80) clever, care-free, diplomatic, fickle
Rooster (’69, ’81) eccentric, trustworthy, sociable, outspoken
Dog (’70, ’82) faithful, honest, judgmental, stubborn

The Great Ones...

On Saturday, February 11, 2007, Barack Obama announced his candidacy for President in the 2008 national election. Thousands of cheering supporters were on hand in Springfield, Illinois and there were likely millions watching around the globe on CNN. Obama's supporters were frenzied not just in support of the junior senator from the state of Illinois, but in support a man who could potentially be the next President of the United States. He is a man who is faced with great challenges, but has the potential and the charisma to perhaps one day be known as a great man. If Obama can meet these challenges and reach the echelons of success that some have been forecasted for him, we will all be better for it.

Greatness is a quality that is at once difficult to define yet impossible to deny. To mark an individual with such a label is to set him or her apart from all peers, all competitors, to a level which few others could ever attain. You might be a good account executive or public relations associate, but are you great? Are you the greatest? Such labels might not get you much in corporate America, but in other arenas such as entertainment...sports...or...politics, the perceptions associated with your name can carry on forever, leaving a greater impact than any paycheck could ever buy.

It is with this innate knowledge, this subconscious measuring stick of human achievement, that we sum up every new figure who bursts upon the national scene. Shaq is good, but could he ball like Russell? Tomlinson can run, but can he move like Barry could? Clinton is savvy, but he's certainly no Kennedy. The comparisons are endless. A brief sniff of success is met with a barrage of criticism explaining that "Person B" isn't quite as magical as "Person A" was before him...or her. Much of this criticism is premature and perhaps unfair, but nonetheless it persists and it often serves to diminish one's accomplishments when they are put in the all important abyss of "perspective."

Despite the prevailing "show me" attitude of our national conscience, there occasionally comes a figure so dynamic, talented, and impressive that we cannot help but stop...and admire. We might not want this person to win every night; we might not want them to beat our team, or defeat our candidate...but we know they will. Greatness is a label predetermined for these individuals and as they begin their pursuit of that status, we are destined to watch in awe.

In my lifetime, greatness first came to fruition in the form of #23 on the Chicago Bulls. As any who watched will remember, MJ was unstoppable, particularly when the game was hanging in the balance. While I sometimes revolted against the mass of fans who had freshly discovered their love of all things Chicago, I couldn't help but watch as Jordan dominated the NBA. Even as he was still playing, his name was mentioned along with the words "best ever"...and I wanted it to be there. You probably did too.
There is something about watching someone perform at the highest levels of their given profession that has a positive impact on those who understand what they are seeing. We want them to be the best - not just to say that we saw it, but to remind ourselves that if Jordan can score 60 and McGuire can hit 70 then perhaps we can surpass those who came before us...in our jobs...our families...our lives.

The full spectrum of the "greatness" phenomenon is embodied in the career of Ken Griffey Jr. While basketball has its prominence and football is a juggernaut, baseball is THE national pastime. When Junior arrived in the early 90's, with boundless hype and whispers of unlimited potential, the sporting world paused to watch. When he began his career in a blinding fashion (once on pace to hit 800+ homers), we held our breath. Then, when he was traded to Cincinnati and injuries limited him to becoming an "average" Hall of Famer, we sighed with disappointment. The potential was lost...and with it went a little bit of inspiration.
Barack Obama is a fresh face on the political scene. With his stirring speech at the 2004 DNC and his subsequent rise to the United States Senate, he has rallied the support of many, myself included. A passionate and driven man, Obama has positioned himself for a strong run at the Democratic nomination. Despite the presence of several political heavyweights, Obama has an opportunity to garner the attention of a country that has become rife with political, economical, and social/cultural separatism. While his success and even his potential are far from certainties, his speeches and charismatic presence suggest a candidate who might just be worth fighting for.

Regardless of political persuasion, one must concede that the last 25, 30, maybe even 40 years have been devoid of the type of inspiring political figure that we celebrated on yesterday's national holiday. Even with the present Commander excluded, have there been any political Jordan's, Ruth's, Gretzky's or Jim Brown's in your lifetime? Anybody to tell the kids about? Anybody to stop and watch? While some were more prominent (Reagan, Clinton) than others (Carter, Bush...Bush), none have captured the sparkle of the nation's eye the way MJ did when he took off from the foul line. None have left us gasping in awe like a spin move by Barry.

As a nation who prides itself on inspiring and powerful iconic success stories, we deserve as much in our highest office. You can settle for your Gore's, Kerry's, McCain's and Quayle's...I want a superstar. Barack Obama might turn out to be the next Griffey Jr., but I think, I hope, we are willing to take that risk. I've seen enough Steve Nash MVPs - I'm ready for the next Jordan.

****The political leanings of the SixTalkingHeads are as diverse and impromptu as our haircuts. My support of Barack is neither endorsed nor possibly even known by my fellow writers. These are my thoughts...they are free...take from them what you will.****

Go Slow

Lately I’ve been looking for a way to slow things down. We are inundated by the world’s latest and greatest, but there is only so much one person can keep up with. This can be chalked up to commercialism, but it is also just the reality of life in our time. The internet has supplemented more traditional information avenues so that we have legitimate access to every video, song, or writing submitted for public review. Last week, Pischl’s article about the fleeting nature of fame, even if it is well-deserved fame, started a weeklong train of thought regarding how we can embrace the things we enjoy while they are readily available, or before we forget they ever existed.

The question continued to ferment after an interview with the founders of Dork Magazine, in which we discussed how great it is to go through old movies and music and find something personally resonant. Even greater is if that thing found its way to you without expectation, whether it be a rating from Rotten Tomatoes, lauding or loathing from a friend, or a general perception of what it represents (see Prince’s reputation as a Michael Jackson rip off or sexually deviant sideshow, more on that later). Taking photos on my walk to work has been one way I’ve been trying to grab some of these moments, but I am always looking for more. Thankfully, the same technology that makes the new available also makes the past revisit-able.

Yesterday, I had the sublime pleasure that is a work snow day, and when one is snowed in, there is no better way to spend it than watching movies. In the pre-Netflix days, this usually meant choosing from my fifteen-title library, only three or four of which I actually watch. Slightly more ambitious movie watching involved a trip to Blockbuster or TLA (a local and much preferred alternative), but I always manage to spend three hours looking for the perfect selection. Netflix has changed that, because the truth is that it doesn’t matter what I watch as long as it is something. (There are a few specific situations where this rule does not hold, but Netflix doesn’t really carry “adult movies” anyway.) Not to sound like I’m shilling for them, but did I mention they have 70,000 titles? They are also piloting a program that allows members a certain allotment of online movie watching per month to eliminate those occasions where one finds themselves without anything to watch.

Some might say that the lag between ordering and watching is a major negative, but that is particularly why it fills my recent need for slower living. So by the time The Godfather II and Leaving Las Vegas showed up, I had completely forgotten they were even in my queue. By eliminating all that indecision at the rental store, I was able to watch two great movies that I had never seen before without the buildup. Also, it allows for more subtle timing. Watching Nicholas Cage try to drink himself to death was a twisted yet genius Valentine’s Day choice that I never could have pulled off intentionally. I feel like I can repeat this same scenario for the rest of the winter. I’ve got sixty movies already lined up, and I am free to add more on a whim. It’s a beautiful thing.

Another random and fantastic blast from the past came during half time of the catatonic and misnamed Super Bowl XLI. I didn’t grow up in a Prince-loving household; in fact, the general rule was that pop music was guilty until proved innocent. I certainly knew of him, but my only real exposure was from 1999 being played at every school dance ever held. Seeing how little I really knew or cared about the man or his music, I passively adopted the general perception he was the pop culture enigma that gained a strange cult following based on his own general strangeness. I was vaguely aware that “The Artist” was a seriously influential musician, but generally shared most people’s ambivalence towards his upcoming performance on the largest stage in television (my expectations for scheduled entertainment are so low that as long as Michael McDonald is not involved, I’m happy). The performance has been rehashed ad nauseum because of the sexual overtones, but I’m still wowed by how much the entire package affected me. I got it; the showmanship is just part of a much larger package. The man is a master musician. Throw in some rain and an obvious yet perfect song selection, and you have something great. Give or take five years, and I might not have cared, but Prince will always define this particular Super Bowl Sunday for me. For a few minutes, stadium rock didn't seem like such an archaic concept, and something old was something new for me.

This morning, I woke up to read that one of the NBA players that Pischl wished to bring back to prominence, Tim Hardaway, had already gone to work on his reemergence. It reminded me that some people and things are better left in the past. I agree with the emerging notion that Hardaway’s comments may do more to progress the issue of sexuality in sports than even John Ameche’s existence and that the general media coddling doesn’t really change attitudes; however, the words still sting the ears of anyone who thinks we can and should be doing better as a society. Differing opinions should be embraced, but a blind seething hate is something that I wish time would have forgotten.

It is unfortunate that things only seem to slow down so that we can hash out the ugly things we can’t seem to shake. So many good and interesting things go flying by into internet archives and old shoe boxes, but it’s comforting to think that they might just be waiting for the right time to reappear.

Papa Don't Preach...

In a news flash that was brilliant yet brief, Dakota Fanning's new movie Hounddog debuted at the 2007 Sundance Film Festival. In what is apparently the only riveting aspect of the movie (besides Fanning's predictable precociousness - which always makes her seems like she's 35), Fanning's twelve-year-old character is raped by an older teen. Fanning, who for her part claims the scene was tastefully shot, is only twelve herself, a fact that has some child advocacy groups up in arms. In the fallout from the movie, which was first screened for the Sundance Audience on January 22, 2007, an interesting group has stepped to the forefront to chastise the filmmakers, request an investigation by the Department of Justice, and even seek the assistance of a higher power (the First Lady). Who is this group who is railing against indecency and kiddie porn? Who is standing up for our children and striking a blow against pedophiles everywhere? Would you be surprised if I told you the answer involves the Catholic church?

Somewhere in our great country (I think it's New York if we're getting specific), there lies a powerful and influential group called the "Catholic League." Much to my initial shock and disappointment, this group does not consist of any of our favorite superheroes and it is not headed by a musclebound stud in red tights named "Bishop Strong." Instead, the Catholic League touts itself as [cue car dealer commercial voice] "THE NATION'S LARGEST CATHOLIC CIVIL RIGHTS ORGANIZATION!!!"......Huh?......Yeah - and there's more. According to the League itself, prejudice against the Catholic Church was the deepest bias in the history of the American people [cough...slavery...cough]. But wait - it gets better. How many of you out there knew not only that "Catholic baiting is the anti-Semitism of the liberals", but also that "Catholic bashing has become a staple of American society?" And here I thought it was baseball and hotdogs.


Pointless ramblings aside (mine too), the Catholic League has found the time amidst this hail of Catholic bashing to strike out and serve as a protective conscious for all of American society. It was apparently in that very role that the president of the Catholic League, Bill Donahue, decided to call upon the Department of Justice and the First Lady to assist in a tactical take down of Ms. Fanning's new movie, Hounddog. As Mr. Donahue explained, in virtually every media outlet that would hear him, it is the Catholic League's position that Hounddog is illegal child porn that must be stopped. While it is obvious to all involved that young Dakota was not actually subjected to rape (in the end, it is just acting), the suggestion of such a rape on the big screen seems to be where Mr. Donahue's contentions lie. It is the "promoting of simulated child rape movies," that Mr. Donahue wants to discourage, and he seems to be pulling out all the stops to do so.

Well that's not so bad, is it? Does anybody really want to watch kiddie porn? Ok - we probably don't want to hear the answer to that question. Does anybody want their neighbor watching kiddie porn? How about their kid's school teacher? Bus driver? You get the point. So it would seem that the League is fighting the good battle. Hollywood makes dirty kiddie porn movie...the League strikes back...we all live safely ever after. But there is one big obstacle standing in the way here - I sometimes refer to it in conversation as, "The First Amendment." You might have heard about it as "Freedom of Speech." I won't bore you with intricate details, but suffice it to say that those Hollywood guys and gals have at least some right to make the kind of movie they want to make. If we let the League start determining what is acceptable film content, we might be in for a dramatic change in American cinema.

Orwellian fears aside, there is another nagging aspect of this debate that must be addressed. As Mr. Donahue alludes, the problem with simulated child rape is not necessarily that the child actors in the film are harmed, but that watching the film might incite horrific behaviors in those who lean toward pedophilia. But is that enough reason to censor THIS film? Do movies really determine how we act in our day to day lives? Fortunately, a wise and influential group has already answered this question for us - that group is...the Catholic League.

In the spring of 2004, Mel Gibson's eagerly awaited The Passion of the Christ was released to film audiences and throngs of Christians worldwide. Commenting on the film, and on the growing criticism about the possibility that the film could ignite anti-semitism, Mr. Donahue had this to say:

“Two months have elapsed since the film was released and no Jew has been killed. Not only have there been no pogroms, there have been no reported beatings, and no reported acts of vandalism associated with the film. This is true not only in the U.S.; it is true all over the world. By now the movie has played in literally scores of countries, all without violence."

Apparently, for Mr. Donahue and the League, the proof is in the proverbial pudding. Why should we be concerned about the promotion of anti-semitic movies if watching these movies doesn't actually cause any violence? Donahue repeats this rhetoric again in a February 2004 letter to "The Jewish Community," when he explains that "[t]he idea that Christians will attack Jews in the streets after seeing The Passion of the Christ is pernicious [10 cents!]"..."[i]f the movie is likely to engender violence, then we should expect that when people finish watching it, they will be in a rage."

Just to make sure we have this right...as long as movie-goers don't stomp out of the theater in a visible rage and engage in mob violence in the street, the movie is not promoting violence? Hmm. No concerns about perpetuating stereotypes or engendering future acts of violence? Ok. So be it. You're the League - I'm just one person. BUT, while I have your attention let me ask you this, Mr. Donahue. Why do we have to give the potentially anti-semitic film a chance, but not the potentially pornographic film? Shouldn't we just wait and see whether there have been any hyped-up movie goers emerging from Hounddog and trying to grab twelve-year-olds from the popcorn line? Isn't the proof in the pudding? Why do we afford the benefit of the doubt for one exercise of the First Amendment, yet call in the First Lady for another?

The point, Mr. Donahue, is that movie patrons, citizens, and other persons generally referred to elsewhere as THE PEOPLE, should decide what is and what is not acceptable in our movie-going experiences. While the Catholic League has a nice name and probably a cool Catholic-mobile, they cannot and will not be the final arbiters of all that is acceptable in mass media. The League has shown inconsistency in the past when it fully supported a violent film that had not so subtle hints of anti-semitism. The League met this film with cheers and applause - not concern for the violence that could befall young, Jewish children. Just because the League has now become suddenly squeamish does not mean that certain filmmakers not named Mel Gibson should lose their right to make movies.

This debate cannot be concluded without acknowledging the giant elephant in the room of which we have not yet spoken. Come on over here Dumbo - pull up a chair. What's that you say? You're not an elephant, but a North American cousin of the elephant called the Hippo-crit? Interesting.

Suffice it to say that the Catholic church has had its share of problems with issues involving children, pedophiles, and the lethal combination of the two. That the civil rights super group associated with the church would choose kiddie porn as a call to arms to clean up the film industry is a stranger truth than fiction could ever wrought. While I have no interest whatsoever in watching Hounddog, I value the First Amendment rights that each American is granted upon birth. To be optimistic, perhaps the realistic and powerful rape scenes in Hounddog will bring to light a very real problem in this country and help those in need to speak out against a terrible atrocity. Perhaps it will be nothing but fodder for perverts. I guess we'll just have to wait and see. Isn't that right Mr. Donahue?