How to Succeed in Fantasy Football Without Really Trying

Ok, the title is a little misleading. I actually spend an embarrassing amount of time trying to succeed, but I don’t think that is something of which I am especially proud. Regardless, it sounds catchier than “How to Consistently Manage to Come Up with Improbable Wins Against Far Better Fantasy Football Teams.” I think.

I am going to start by NOT rattling off my roster. It might make this column more useful or funny to hardcore Fantasyists(?), but I fear that actually exposing just how laughable my team is might mess with whatever mojo I have going right now.

Here is where I stand in our ten team league:

• Third fewest points scored
• Fourth worst in Power Ranking
• Haven’t broken 100 points ever in a week
• No single player has broken 30 points in one week
• Two players remain on my roster from draft day
• Zero players worth keeping in our keeper league
• Third place regular season finish
• League Championship finalist this upcoming week
  

Other craziness:

Mike Furrey, Wali Lundy, Tony Scheffler have all made starts for me in weeks I won. If you are nodding your head and thinking, “Those are solid fantasy players,” please go take a walk outside. It’s a nice day, and you could use the sun.

My losses largely came at the hands of non-playoff teams. I caught LaDanian Tomlinson on his bye week. The one and only week of the season that I outscored Ricky, fellow Talking Head, was the week we played each other. The following week? The league doormat takes me behind the woodshed and spanks me senseless.

Last week’s playoff opponent had Drew Brees, Antonio Gates, Andre Johnson, and the Bear’s Defense combine for a total of 13 points....and I still only won by 7.

So, what is my secret?

I do play the waiver wire pretty hard and read all the “Sit ‘Em, Play ‘Em” columns that I can Google, but last week’s efforts landed me a goose egg from Marty Booker and an underwhelming nine points from the Jets’ D. I fancy myself a diamond in the rough spotting GM virtuoso, but have no real scoring improvement of which to speak. That can’t be it.

Really, it has just come down to my opponent having their worst possible week when they play me. That can only be attributed to karma, and apparently, I have the good kind in spades. I always try to help people when they are moving, assuming I’m in the mood. I also rarely pass gas in elevators, unless I am going more than three floors (that would be unhealthy). When I find money lying on the floor in taxis, I use it to pay my fare, which is, essentially, turning it in to the authorities. It is a martyr’s life, but it is the only one I know.

To prepare for this week’s championship, I will be kicking my efforts into high gear . I am facing the return of LT and a team with an average score of nearly double my own. I suggest the rest of you with big games prepare diligently as well. Except for you, team AC Slater, cuz you’re about to be steamrolled by the Karma-town Express!

Good luck to everyone in the last week or so, and remember, there are no losers in pretend football.

A quick thought:

Last week, I read that Mark Bavaro’s novel about a NFL tight end struggling with injuries and money problems will soon be on bookshelves. Great. Thanks guy. With a few exceptions,I think sports figures are so smothered and exposed from such a young age that very few of them get to develop into genuinely interesting people. At this point, the only athlete with a story I would actually read would be Bison Dele. Unfortunately, no one will ever hear what really went down on that boat, but the way the details trickled in day by day was surreal. Anyone who needs a refresher, check out http://denver.rockymountainnews.com/dele/index.shtml