Living in Denver: An Ex-Resident's Tips for Iverson

I was out for dinner last week, and I ran into an acquaintance I had known from a few years back. After explaining that I had just moved back to Philadelphia from Denver, he jokingly asked if I had been part of the Iverson trade. We all had a good laugh at the absurdity of the comment (even though I will probably have the same impact on the Sixers as Joe Smith will - none), but upon further thought, I realized that I had, in fact, essentially swapped spots with AI. That being the case, I think it is my duty as a human to give him this parting gift as thanks for all the things that he has done for us, the good people of Philly. I can impart my year of experience to help him avoid some of the mistakes that I made when moving from the East Coast to the Wild West - these tips will also be helpful for anyone heading out west to find some actual snow this winter. Without further ado, I proudly present:

Ben’s Guide to Living Mile High.

Tip 1. Never Speed Traveling To and From the Airport
I list this first because I’ve heard you like to drive fast Allen, and because anyone in their right mind flies to Colorado. To get there by car, you would most likely have to drive through Kansas and the high plains. While it may not seem like much, I have heard stories of people resorting to cannibalism along the endless stretches of uninhabited wasteland that you find in the Jayhawk state; under no circumstances is this a route worth taking.

Back to the tip. Denver’s airport is a solid 35 minute drive from the city when there is no traffic; often, it will easily take an hour. In the event that you are running behind schedule for your flight, be aware that the city of Aurora (where the airport is) probably equals the GDP of most third world countries with fines paid out of the pockets of people speeding to Denver International. I agreed with many other nonnative Coloradans that the state’s drivers are terrible for the most part. However, you can be sure that when flow of traffic generally sticks close to the posted speed limits, it’s (maybe) not because they are stoned, but because they have probably been burned at least once.

Tip 2. Know Your Liquor Laws
I’m not even positive that you drink, but here is a heads up: Colorado people like their alcohol. Even though it is the home of Coors, microbrews are king. New Belgium beers are popular choices, and lots of restaurants even haven home-brewed offerings. When skiing or snowboarding in the mountains, stick to spiked hot drinks; they will warm you up while making you forget the bruises you got from trying to split a stand of trees like they were some weak-ass double team.

Colorado is great for centrally located booze purchasing, unlike Pennsylvania. Wine, liquor, and beer can all be purchased from the same place. Most neighborhoods and strip malls usually have at least one such store, but selection and price will vary greatly. Argonaut Liquors on Colfax will always have what you need for cheap. Grocery and convenience stores also have beer for sale in cooler aisles, but it is usually 3.2 beer. For the uninformed, 3.2 beer is a lower-alcohol-content version of the conventional beers that are widely distributed to bars and liquor stores. These are to be generally avoided, unless it is a Sunday, because they are all that you can buy. Side note: Should you venture west to Utah, state law restricts beer sales to nothing stronger than 3.2. Shudder.

As in PA, bars all close at 2:00 AM, but last calls tend to happen much earlier. There are a few late night spots to continue the party into the wee hours, but only Gatorade or Red Bull available to drink. Then again, you are Allen Iverson, and these rules may not apply to you.

Tip 3. The Unwritten Law of Washington Park
Somewhere in the Colorado’s State Constitution, invisibly nestled between articles XII and XIII is an edict that is somehow the most efficiently and unknowingly enforced law in the land. I imagine it reads something like this:

On any day that shall fall between Friday and Monday, wherein the sun is not more than 30 percent obscured by clouds and the median temperature is not less than 70 degrees, every resident with a pulse shall recreate within the borders of Washington Park.

Given the large number of warm and sunny days in Denver, you can interpret that as generally any weekend day, this park will be so teeming with people that it will start to look like salmon spawning. And, for the most part, people are there for a similar reason, to find a suitable mate and reproduce.

Endlessly lapping the perimeter will be fully uniformed teams of cyclists practicing their drafting techniques, joggers from all over the city who drive their cars just so they can pound out a few miles on these crowded paths, rollerbladers, apparently they still exist, and one guy on one of those bikes that you lay down to pedal. Inside the lap makers, people keep to an amazingly strict zoning scheme that is dependent on their desired activity. Yuppie parents with young kids stay towards the northern end of the park. The playground is there, it is close to the parking lot for quick Volvo-escape, and there is a reduced risk of coming into contact with the hippies that may be milling around other parts of the park. The line of trees that separates the playground from the playing field is reserved for people who came to watch the activities. They are designated bag-watchers, dog-minders, and scorekeepers. Nalgene water bottles come standard. Then you have the playing fields, which go in this specific order from north to south: ultimate frisbee, volleyball, soccer, basketball. Allen, when considering which group to join, consider that the level of basketball talent is comparable to a bunch of drunken seven year olds, don’t bother. Strange as it may seem and slighting my beloved ultimate frisbee, your best bet is probably volleyball. The people come en masse equipped with their own nets and boundary lines. There is no shortage of impressive plays and talented players, and I know your all out style would be a hit. Plus the girls are smokin. Just watch out for....

Tip 4. Mind the Feces
Everyone in Denver has a dog. Everyone. However, very few of the owners bother to actually clean up after their pets. Keep in mind that small dog ownership is absolutely restricted to the coastal regions of the United States. In the middle of the country, any animal that can’t pull a sled of medical supplies 35 miles through the snow isn’t worth having. So needless to say, they eat like horses and craps are huge as a result. I’m not sure why people don’t pick it up off the sidewalk. Maybe it’s because they are soooo laid back; “Like, if nature wanted dogs to poop in bags they would make their own like a silk worm, man.” Riiiight. There also aren’t very many garbage cans along the sidewalks of residential neighborhoods, so I assume they are just lazy. Regardless there is dog poop everywhere. Also, watch out for the goose shite in areas surrounding lakes/ponds. The warm winters attract lots of migrant birds, many of which fail to ever return home in the summer. It’s a Colorado thing, you get stuck there. The bottom line is that you should always check your shoes before you walk in the house.

Tip 5. Never Forget Where You Came From
Colorado attracts people from all over; a lot of the people have come to find themselves a new start against the ever present backdrop of picture perfect mountain views. Along the way, I always found myself just fading into the crowd of people from somewhere else ready to get comfortable and live out my days quietly and comfortably. And then something would trigger my memory of my life before the mountains, parks, and dogs. Something you said last week echoes this feeling: “This city [Philly] made me into the man I am today.” Never forget that drive that you have that inspired this city time and again. It’s that us against the world mentality that makes you great, and this is a city that pounds that into people. I hope that you get the championship you so deserve in Denver, and the next day, get your ass back to the city that adores you. I’ll organize the parade down Broad Street.



Follow up from last week:
I lost my fantasy football championship game by 3 points, here was my lineup - try to imagine picking these guys on your league’s draft day at the beginning of this season:

QB - Michael Vick
RB - Ladell Betts
RB - Ron Dayne
WR - Bernard Berrian
WR - Jerricho Cotchery
TE - Tony Scheffler
K - Nate Kaeding
Def/ST - Kansas City

SO CLOSE!!!!!!!