A Hole In What?

Did you watch him? Did he close on the back nine and wrap up the game with a masterful putt? Did the crowd roar while he celebrated with some sort of awkward fist pump and/or caddie hug? Did the ugly-ass green jacket fit perfectly yet look perfectly terrible in the way that only an ugly-ass green jacket could? Do you know who “he” is?

If you do, you’re one step ahead of me. In what will be THE single most unpopular article in the history of STH, I am now ready to publicly admit a secret I have long harbored in the deepest depths of my subconscious. This is a secret so terrifying, so embarrassing, that it would have me banished from every country club in the land and shunned by every self respecting middle to upper class citizen of America…

I hate golf.

That flushing sound you just heard was the complete decimation of my future earnings potential. Everyone knows you have to love golf to be successful…right? Or if you don’t love it, you have to at least pretend...don’t you? Isn’t the golf course “where business deals are made”? Isn’t the putting green where clients are won? Aren’t I required to have an “I’d Rather Be Golfing” t-shirt by the time I’m 42?

If the answer to any of these questions is yes, I’m in for a very long and unhappy trip to middle-aged man-hood. I’m not sure when exactly it happens, but sometime during the throes of childhood every pure-blooded American male (and a surprising number of pure-blooded American females) are genetically encoded with a love for all things golf. It starts younger for some, later for others, but sometime between the keg-stands in college and that first real job, an inborn love for golf takes hold. Soon stories about wild bars and girls with “decent” faces are replaced with “great weather” and stories about handicaps, drivers, and mind blowing putts [feel free to replace my generic/imaginary boring golf drivel with your real-life boring golf drivel].

While this is obviously not an editorial calling for a new version of Golden Tee, I’ve never been one to lay down insult without reason. While you might not care and you’ll certainly disagree, allow me to present you with just a few of the reasons I look to when people ask me why I don’t golf…

1. For the Love of Nature...

I enjoy great weather as much as anyone, but when the sun peak through the clouds on a beautiful day, I think about going for a run, relaxing at the pool, or (especially in the fall) playing a game of football. For some reason the thought never enters my mind to dress up like an old man and go to a place full of actual old men who are dressed worse than I am. While I appreciate mother nature as much as the next guy, I don’t gaze upon a beautiful natural landscape and secretly hope that someone would crop the grass to half an inch, dump mountains of sand in assorted piles, and randomly place flags and small holes throughout. Golf courses might be green, but they are oddly designed and rarely do they come close to even imitating the natural beauty of the world.

2. Golfers Are Not “Athletes”!

On no…he didn’t! Sorry - it must be said. Though golf might be entertaining, challenging, and wildly competitive, golfers are “athletes” only in the way that poker players, bowlers, and NASCAR drivers are “athletes” (oops…there goes another audience). While Tiger Woods is an athletic ambassador for the game, Michelle Wie was better than you are when she was 11 and John Daly is…well...John Daly. Look around the links the next time you’re skipping work. Would you want 55 year old Eugene from accounting on your pickup basketball team? Could your great Aunt Millie run the anchor leg of a 4 x 100? Golf may be frustrating and it may make you look stupid, but it doesn’t make you an athlete.

3. All The “Cool Kids” Are Doing It…

Actually, ALL the kids are doing it. How many people do you know that DON’T golf? How many of them can walk? When the popularity of a game swells to epic proportions, the quality of that game, at all levels, is diminished. Baseball, football, basketball, and hockey avoid this pitfall because they really can’t be played consistently once one passes a certain age. This time restraint on participation adds to the ambiance and the reminiscing often associated with those sports.

In golf, there seems to be no recognizable age limit for participants, particularly amongst non-professionals. With such an absurd population of golfers, isn’t the game destined to be a bit over-hyped? Were you really aching to be the 5 millionth person to get a belt holster for your cell phone a few years back? Would you have died if your family didn’t get a mini-van in the 90’s? Have you read every Harry Potter book? Perhaps it’s my inner rebel dying to get out, but sometimes I think it’s a breath of fresh air NOT to do something that everyone else is doing.

The list could go on, but I digress. As you can see, I'm one of the few who has not been sold on the bills of goods that is golf. The next time I have a free Saturday afternoon, you might find me at the park, or perhaps with a group of friends playing a rousing game of bocce. One place you won't find me is at the country club, lacing up my sweater vest. Golf might be the way of the future, it might be a tradition of the past - but it's not a game for me.


To those who I’ve offended…you’ll get over it. In the meantime, feel free to drop a line and convince me of why I’m wrong. I might not be easily pursuaded, but I’d love to hear what you have to say.