2006 Wiener Awards

As you may or may not know, I enjoy calling people or things I do not care for wieners. Since the new year is approaching fast, it’s always fun to take a look back on the past year to see what transpired. The inaugural awards (1st annual is a very wiener thing to say) will be given in several categories of my choosing. Of course, you can disagree all you want and that is your right as an American. However, if you are not an American then go fight England for your right to say what you want. If you are English, go oppress the Scots, Irish, Welsh, Indians, or other ethnic group to continue your right to say what you want. And now...the alphabetical presentation of the 2006 Weiner Awards.

Comedy: This is a hard category to pick. Comedy is a serious business and it pains my heart to see no-talent, hack comedians labeled as brilliant innovators and lovingly adored by the general public. Our Founding Fathers knew the general public was an ignorant mass and that’s why they created the electrical college for Presidential elections. Fortunately, the Weiner Awards are here to put comedy challenged comedians in their place (by not mentioning them further in association with the word comedy). So, before we move on to what you may term ‘mountains of negativity’ flowing from the following paragraphs, I’m going to give out a Big Weiner Award for someone doing something great in the world of comedy. This is an inspirational award, so I’m going to give it to someone truly inspiring. I’d like to present the Big Weiner Award for comedy to………Norm MacDonald. He did actually put out a sketch comedy CD this year, so he does qualify, but it wasn’t that great. Wait, wait, wait. I’m forgetting his appearance on The Daily Show shortly after the untimely death of The Crocodile Hunter. That was genius and not very offensive when it gets down to it.

Film: Movie executives who could not tell the difference between Snakes on a Plane internet hype and Borat internet hype. The moment anyone heard of Snakes on a Plane they assumed it was a joke. Absurd scary plot? Check. Cheesy animation? Check. Lesbians going at it in an airplane bathroom? Check. And...obviously...a must for 90% of films - Samuel L. Jackson. Checkmate! Borat, on the other hand, had a built in devoted base of fans from Da Ali G Show who could not wait for the movie to appear. Since the movie "Ali G in Da House" was a scripted affair and nothing like the TV show, fans were anxious to see how Borat adapted to the big screen…oh...and anti-Semitism sells. Another big factor in Borat’s success was his incessant appearances on television, radio, and anything else to promote the movie. Still, most people hardly knew anything about Borat and probably still don't. On opening weekend I bought tickets way in advance, showed up more than 30 minutes before the stated show time (which is itself 20+ minutes before the movie actually starts), and still had to sit in the 5th row from the front. Borat’s success can be attributed to a rabid fan base, great word of mouth, and most importantly, the constant shit-stream of “comedies” coming out of Hollywood which only enhanced the actual hilarity of this movie. While Borat was not the movie I hoped it would be, it contained several laugh out loud scenes and was overall the best comedy to come out in theaters in several years.

Music: Kanye West. What a baby. Look up award show antics/obnoxious bitching in the dictionary and you will get a picture of this guy. By the way, shouldn’t Late Registration come before College Dropout? And how can he claim Graduation (due spring 2007) after dropping out? Back to the point, he is clearly the best musician in the history of the universe (and any other parallel universes). Not to get overly hyperbolic, but his claims and behavior are worthy of the ’06 Weiner in Music. When it came down to it, I had to give him a Weiner because let’s face it, if I did not then these awards lose credibility. Take that MTV Europe Video Music Awards appearance. In case you didn’t catch that last reference, West proclaimed that if his video for “Touch the Sky” did not win at the MTV Europe show then, you guessed it, “this award show loses all credibility.” The best part of the show was when his video did not win. Well, the BEST part was slightly after that, when the winner was on stage. West crashed the stage and wondered out loud how his video could lose since it cost 1 million dollars to make, had Pamela Anderson in it, and he “went jumping across canyons and shit.” Even though he said he didn’t see the winning video, he knew his was better.















Kanye West does not care about George W. Bush

Was that just a singular moment where he lost his temper in a fit of passion? Maybe, but this character has a history of displaying exactly how much sand is wedged in his vagina. In 2004 at the American Music Awards he said, "I was the best new artist (despite not winning that award) this year," and "I got 10 Grammy nominations, and won three — even if I should have won all 10.” Modesty aside, Kanye can proudly put this award right up on the empty shelf space he is saving for when he finally does win every award on the planet. I wonder if Stockholm is listening, because not only is he making music, he is bridging the gap between gays and straights. “West says he changed his ways, though, when he learned one of his cousins was gay. ‘It was kind of like a turning point when I was like, ‘Yo, this is my cousin. I love him and I’ve been discriminating against gays.” Thank goodness he is just as well spoken when he has time to compose his remarks as when he says them off the cuff. Here's to many more award show defeats for Mr. West so that we get to see his true nature.

Politics: Pick your own. Everyone feels differently about this topic and I’m rather tired of explaining why both major political parties suck. Anyway, I suppose I have to give it out, so this year the winner is The American Public excluding myself and a few others. Politics, politically correct, what’s the difference anymore? Poor Michael Richards is lambasted for his use of the word n-i-g-g-e-r, but nothing is done about Rosie O’Donnell’s use of the phrase “ching chong.” You probably didn’t even know she used it. Her full quote was

“You know, you can imagine in China it's like `ching chong, ching chong chong, Danny DeVito, ching chong chong chong, drunk, "The View," ching chong.”

Great TV, even though I’m pretty sure China wouldn’t allow an American broadcast of women talking on their airwaves. Sexist Policy? Maybe. Smart? Yes. Regardless, Americans do have a long and bumpy history with slavery and the n-word (again that’s nigger for those that missed it the first time), but we also have a history with the Chinese. The short version goes like this. Thanks for building the railroads, get the hell out. You can learn more by consulting your set of encyclopedias under the heading Chinese Exclusion Act (1882). Thank goodness it was quickly repealed by 1943. Anyway, Rosie O’Donnell did apologize, in fact

“she told the audience: 'To say ching chong to someone is very offensive, and some Asian people have told me it's as bad as the n-word. Which I was like, `Really? I didn't know that.”

Really, how could she have known saying ‘ching chong’ would be offensive to Asians? Think of the odds on that one. Another bone of contention is that she said "ching chong" in her apology. Michael Richards COULDN'T apologize by saying the n-word again or else he might have been lynched. There's irony for you. Ok, let’s just put an addendum on the award that says “and specifically to Rosie O’Donnell.” Back to this n*****/c**** c**** debate. Yes, Americans (of all colors) have a hard time deciding what is appropriate and how to react to someone that steps over the line. It’s not a black and white issue, but somewhere in between and comparable to a mulatto colored topic. In the end, it is not fair to arbitrarily strip a man of all his dignity over the misguided use of the word, while another individual spouts an equally offensive word on a daytime talk show and is not even slapped on the wrist. America certainly is indivisible with justice for some.

*Special note to Rosie. If you are going to be controversial, stick to one person, not an entire ethnic group. Oh, and we know you’re a lesbian, but did this guy know he was gay? That wasn't very nice either, Mr. O'Donnell.

He's already brought sexy back

Sports: Urban Meyer/NCAA higher ups/some Coach’s Poll/AP Poll(you’re still important to someone, wieners)/Harris Poll voters. Lloyd Carr said it best: “My statement is that I don't think they (Florida Gators) would have moved ahead of us if USC had won their game(vs. UCLA).” Tom Brady also contributed a nice phrase in defending the fact that Michigan did not win their conference. If conference champions HAD to play for the National Championship then Florida should go, but “that's not the way the BCS works. It is supposed to be the two best teams in college football.” It works entirely on the Polls and the computers. As a result, the two best teams should go and not necessarily teams from different conferences. I know, I know, Florida beat the stuffing out of Div. 1-AA Western Carolina 62-0 to end WCU's season with a final record of 2-9 (1 win over a 1-AA school). Still, Florida averaged a huge +6.88 margin in conference games including a 6 point victory over Vandy. Michigan barely beat Vanderbilt by 20 points and averaged a +13.625 in conference games. It might seem like I’m just upset and you would be right, but that’s what America is all about. You get upset, figure out what you want, and then riot to get it. Americans all over the country need to take down the NCAA for their horrible treatment of nearly every controversial subject, not just this one.

Technology: Sony, for including a blu-ray player on the PS3. Despite the enormous enthusiasm from people to convert their nearly complete DVD collections into BluRay discs, Sony has taken a hit for their inclusion of the BluRay player on the PS3. The feature has also included a $150-200 mark up on the price of the PS3. Also, the system might not have had so many delays in production if this feature was not included. However, I’m glad BluRay discs of movies were available for purchase before the BluRay player was, because that’s exactly the kind of forward thinking anticipation I want when impulse buying a movie. Sony may want to consider adding a Betamax player to the PS4.

Television: Steve Carell for The Office. I almost want to blame Ricky Gervais, but these awards will focus on American wieners (pay no attention to the award immediately above this one). I’ve seen many, many episodes of this series and I like the entire cast, save for Carell. Can you believe how he made those borderline racist/insensitive/etc. remarks in front of a black man/handicapped guy, etc.? That is so funny and what a delivery!!! I really believe he is a moronic boss that is not in touch with the common employee. Hysterical good times, chum. I almost wish they went in a direction more like the original British version that doesn’t worry about being funny, at all. Like all categories, there was stiff competition, but the overwhelming popularity of this show sealed the deal for Steve Carell.

P.S. My office is exactly like the show.

Word: Every year it seems one word gets overused, abused, or otherwise falls afoul of my vocabulary. This word has bugged me for years and so gets the inaugural Weiner Award. Eclectic. Yes, inevitably the word shows up when people describe their taste in music, i.e. the selection on their IPod. You mean you don’t listen to only Rap, or Country, or The Beatles? Shocking, because I will only listen to The Presidents of the United States of America. I wish they would put out more stuff, but what can I do? I don’t want to stereotype a whole group of people (actually I do), but college age and 20-something assholes tend to use the word to show that they have a great vocabulary. Fine, I would just like to say that I am impressed and believe you are really really REALLY smart and you don’t have to use the word ever again.

People that dress like this are not actually smart.

Young Female Celebrity Famous for being Famous: As usual (remember last year’s award) this always goes down to the wire. Fortunately, one filly came through at the end. Lindsay Lohan. Nicole Richie gave her a late season run for her money, but the fallout from her DUI won’t really count until next year. On the plus side, she is setting herself up for a great year. Back to LiLo, she really hasn’t done anything, for the purposes of the upcoming joke, since The Parent Trap, except grow breasts and turn 18. Earlier in the year, LiLo got caught on camera not wearing underwear. And, until a few weeks ago, that would have been enough to win, but Britney came charging hard in the final weeks to close the gap (between her and Lindsay, not the one between her legs). However, our girl Ms. Lohan dug down deep and pulled out a winner just before the season ended…Alcoholics Anonymous. I really didn’t want to post her full quote, but it’s just too damn good. (The best parts are underlined)

"I've been going to AA, for a year by the way. It's no one's business. That's why it's anonymous! I haven't had a drink in seven days. Or anything. I'm not even legal, so why would I? I don't drink when I go to clubs. I drink with my friends at home, but there's no need to. I feel better not drinking. It's more fun. I just wanted to, like, find a balance. I was too caught up. I was like going out just to get it out of my system. I was going out too much and I knew that, and I have more to live for than that."

Specifically, the best part is when she says she has “been going to AA, for a year” and she hasn’t “had a drink in seven days.” Or maybe it's when she says she hasn't had a drink in seven days, but why would she since she's underage. Either way, she's well on her way to sobriety. I want to wish her best of luck in the new year and success in the ’07 campaign.

She often describes herself as 'classy'

Well children, that wraps up the 2006 Weiner Awards. I know, I know, we had some fun at the expense of others, but that's really what people of varying degrees of fame are for in this day and age. Congrats to all of our winners, you can pick up your award in person at the SixTalkingHeads home office.