Why All NFL Coaches Should Be Fired - And Replaced With 12 Year Olds

Given Dennis Green's eloquent musings after last night's game, one is left to wonder about the state of coaching in the NFL. In the Bears/Cardinals game, both coaches took advantage of the national spotlight to showcase their ineptitude in the second half. Green continually called for unsuccessful inside runs against a stout front seven while Can't Buy Me Lovie Smith refused to control an obviously shaken Rex Grossman, who was continually ignoring the underneath route. A hopeful Bears or Cardinals fan might anticipate that their coach would take control at this point. Anyone with a passing knowledge of the game would expect a "good" NFL coach to change his game plan to reflect what wasn't working. Unfortunately many NFL coaches, particularly those on display on Monday night, simply are not "good." Unfortunately, as Green put it best after the game, "They were who we thought they were!" In a word (well...two) they were conservative and unimaginative.

Such is the state with coaching in the NFL these days. A game plan goes awry, yet the man with the goofy headset refuses to adjust or take a chance that might spring his team for the W. The only person in the stadium with the power to change the course of the game refuses to do so because he fears that he will face the blame of a loss. What could be an exciting fight to the finish instead becomes a snooze-fest filled with punts, draw plays, and field goals.

In the face of what is obviously a dire problem, the league must react with a powerful response. In what will be his first meaningful act as commissioner since signing all the footballs (how long must that take?), Roger Goodell must step to the podium and announce that the NFL has instituted a new age limitation - no head coach can remain in his job after he has reached his 13th birthday.

The conservative coaching problem in the NFL is an ill for which there is only one cure - youth. Imagine the excitement of a game coached by two sixth graders wearing their favorite player's jersey. No longer would we see a punt on fourth and one from the forty - more likely most punters would be cut all together. The league would be abuzz when 11 year-old Jimmy Thompson from Wichita, Kansas inserts Larry Johnson at quarterback to run the Chief's new option offense. No twelve-year-old has ever heard of going to the well one too many times and fans would learn this as Peyton Manning is ordered to run the "hail mary" on 15 consecutive plays.

The joys of watching the exciting games on the field would only be matched by the drama to be found between the Sundays. Dennis Green's rant on Monday night would pale in comparison to a sobbing ten-year-old throwing a tantrum and subsequently cutting his entire defense on Monday morning. A division leading team could be left in chaos when their genius young coach quits because he wants to play soccer. Perhaps most exciting would be the moments when our young football dictators would be relieved by those who always come to the rescue, their mothers. Imagine the excitement leading up to the game where Billy Parcells IV comes down with strep throat and is replaced on game day by his mom, Phillis. Phillis trudges through her coaching debut cringing at each on field collision and reminding her players that grass stains are impossible to remove.

The youth movement in the NFL is an idea whose time has come. NFL coaches today are a known commodity. Denny Green had it right, "They are who we thought they were." Wouldn't it be nice if they were someone else?