The Latest in Banned Substance News: Tom Brady

Here's the story, of a scrub named Brady, who took some pills and magically got good. He met a woman, we'll call her "Steroids," and they pulled a fast one right before our eyes. He was barely, even drafted. Now he's telling me that Visa cards are good. So it's time now, to pull the plugs out, and show the world he's not our golden son.

Does that tune sound familiar at all to you? Probably not because you've most likely been brainwashed by the hype and hoopla surrounding perhaps the third most overrated quarterback in NFL history (behind two guys named Montana and Vick respectively - and Vick may be trying to move his way off that list after his last 2 weeks, but I'll remain skeptical for now). We hear all about how humble he is, how hard he works, and how he came from no where. He was taken 199th overall in the 2000 NFL draft. He has no great receivers. He is a team leader with heart to spare and three Super Bowl rings. Blah...blah...blah. I have heard enough and the truth must be told.

Ladies and gentleman, it's time to reveal to you the real story of Tom Brady. Yes, that handsome young man who plays QB for the New England Patriots. We all know who he is. We see his mug all over the place. Does anyone else notice that he can't get that eye black off from under his eyes? Hey Tom, you're playing in a dome, at night. Why do you need eye black? We should send him a manual explaining how to use the shower. I also know a great skin doctor if that whole shower thing doesn't work out.

Enough about his looks now though, because it's his game and his rep I'm here to revoke. Did you know that when Tom Brady was a freshman at Michigan, he was listed as 6' 4'' and 215lbs? By the time he graduated, he had sprouted to 6' 5'' and was down to a slim 213lbs. That's just where it starts to get fishy. Brady is now back up to 6' 4'' and a whopping 225lbs! Hello? How do you not notice a guy shrinking an inch while putting on 12lbs? There's some shady business going on here that we can't explain and my guess is that he was/is/recreationally using steroids. Shrinking is not really a common problem for men between the ages of 22 and 29. Not to mention the fact that Brady was drafted by the Montreal Expos in 1995. I feel like that is where he found out about the wonderful world of performance enhancing drugs. In fact, I believe his name was one of the names blacked out on Jason Grimsley's affidavit. I'm putting the dots out there for everyone to see. All you need to do is connect them.

Have you ever watched a Patriots game on TV? All you hear about all day long is how great Brady is; apparently they also feel the need to tell us how awful his supporting cast is. I feel for those receivers and offense linemen and I hurt with each hit a tight end or running back takes. People forget that Brady was taken really, really, ridiculously late in the 2000 draft. They also forget that Brady spent a season doodling on white boards and revving up the practice squad. Mr. Wonderful was not always so wonderful. And yes, his team may lack some of the star names in the NFL, but his teammates are still making blocks to give him time to throw the ball, making catches, running for yards after the catch, and running the ball to keep his arm from falling off.

You can say it's the system and you can say he's always had that special something. I say Tom has gotten help from outside sources. I'm not saying it's just the steroids because I think he may have purchased contacts. He may even wear two sets at the same time because he seems to see things that other players do not. I also think he has inside information. People have claimed the Bush administration has been a little too secretive for our own good. I believe it's because they're passing information on to Mr. Brady that no one else can see. Why else would President Bush invite Brady to the White House? I don't trust that it's for winning the Super Bowl. I know what's going on. Brady is actually there collecting secret defensive plans and videos so he knows exactly what he will be facing in the upcoming week.

So the ruse is over and it's time to come clean Tom. This will save you a lot of embarrassment down the road.

The worst thing though, is that we as Americans are being duped into a false sense of love for Tom Brady. We need to turn off SportsCenter, we need to change the channel when Visa commercials are on, and we need to tear down the billboards of this so-called "hero." It's time to find a new hero.

Speaking of which, I hear that Shawn Merriman is trying to avoid suspension. Anyone want to lend him some free help on his appeal?


*Disclaimer: There is NO proof that Tom Brady has ever used a banned substance, I'm just sick of hearing about him. Perhaps Tom Brady is himself a drug released upon the rest of you to make you feel all warm and tingly inside. It doesn't work on me though, I'm too hardcore.